Large Snowfall Brings Threat of Immigration

December 9, 2015 MOUNT RAINIER NATIONAL PARK, WASHINGTON

Over the past week, intense weather patterns have led to over 15 feet of snow accumulating on Mount Rainer. Skiers and snowboarders have been rejoicing at the potential of a year where they might actually be able to visit the mountain, and children have begun planning tubing trips into the foothills. All in all, it looks to be a good year for business owners, with record snowfall, bringing in droves of rich dentists (or whoever the hell can afford to ski). However, not all is well. With the snow totals increasing to record levels, some concerned government officials have begun to warn of an imminent danger. Global warming may be the delusional popular threat to campaign about this year, but with rapid (but natural) climate change, the one thing we clearly have to worry about is yeti immigration.

With the foothills of Rainier looking more and more like the base of the alps every day, immigrants will soon be pouring in by the thousands. Already the Swiss Matterhorn has noticed a drop in their yeti population, and it will not be long before they are on our doorstep. To be clear, this is not condemning yetis as a population, but in order to better protect the safety of this great country, many government officials are calling for a straight ban on visas for yetis, just until the situation can be figured out.

Presidential frontrunner Donald Trump spoke on the matter yesterday stating: “Without looking at the various polling data, it is obvious to anybody the hatred is beyond comprehension [speaking on the tendency for yetis to maul mountain climbers when their territory is encroached upon.] Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by yetis that believe only in Snowhad [a yeti word for holy war against those who climb mountains in bright jackets], and have no sense of reason or respect for human life.”

Yetis have a strong cultural history of violence (as evidenced by the two or three that keep attacking people), and are a menace on every mountain that they inhabit. A group of cultural psychologists (liberals) are currently trying to advocate unsuccessfully to retain the open border policy that the United States has maintained with yetis for many years. “Our native sasquatch was once an immigrant too, and look at the economic boom he’s brought local wood carvers and the History Channel. By locking these creatures out of our country, we’re doing ourselves and the nation a great disservice,” said Dr. Renee Pollicker in an address to the Washington State legislative office this morning. She also sighted evidence of hikers stories about sharing picnics with the large ape, and the creature’s primarily docile nature.

Unfortunately, the lives of those in our country can’t be put at risk based on the good behavior of one member of the species. The only sensible solution is to keep all of the yetis out, until proper relocation services are available. Senator Mitch McConnell has already put forth a bill in the senate which will help set up relocation sites where yetis can live without bothering the area’s local inhabitants. He has also stated that to help save the country’s budget (that’s right liberals, we’re not made of money), the camps will be built with leftover, recycled pieces of the U.S.-Mexico border wall.

For more information on yeti immigration and other hot political issues, keep it tuned to The Pattison Chronicle. Make sure to tweet your support for the #NotMyMountain campaign, and write to your local congressperson.

-Ashton Macaulay, Skier, Middle-Class American, and Raging Liberal 

Guide to Creating Political Arguments

There's been a lot of buzz the past few days over a chart presented by anti-abortion representative Jason Chaffetz (See Chart Here). We here at The Pattison Chronicle didn't think it was fair for highly trained political obfuscators to have a leg-up on our readers, so we've put together another one of our world famous guides to help you understand. Behold:

THE PATTISON CHRONICLE GUIDE TO CREATING POLITICAL ARGUMENTS

Step 1: 

Pick the point you want to make. For our purposes we will be using the point that Justin Bieber has lead to the systematic destruction of the American way of life (you could really pick anyone for this).

Step 2: 

Link something to your point that helps strengthen your cause. This can be done with spurious correlations, unrelated factoids, or just plain lying. For our example, Justin Bieber is the same height as Hitler (100% True), would you let hitler sing to your kids?

Step 3:

Present your findings in a seemingly meaninful fashion. Here we have included a graph correlating attacks by ISIS with Justin Bieber record sales.

Step 4: 

Vehemently defend your point even in the face of overwhelming evidence against it. This part is key, as if you don't, people will think you are stupid.

That's it, you should have all you need to create your own ludicrous argument, and piss off your neighbors. Remember, stick to your point, and never surrender to logic! Be sure to share any campaigns that you create using our system with us on Facebook and Twitter. Without you we're just alone in a studio apartment with a cat (our headquarters), and that's no way to live. 

New Republican Candidate Sweeps the Field

It would appear that another republican candidate has entered the ever growing field for the 2016 presidential race. On Friday morning a male silverback gorilla named Bobo announced his campaign to a crowd of zookeepers in Michigan. While his candidacy may come as a surprise to some, the zookeepers had been expecting the political move for months, saying: “He’s always been a self-starter with a keen eye for economic growth. If it weren’t for him, we would have never developed our banana re-distribution program.” Bobo referred to this as trickle down bananomics, a system in which the alpha male gets all the bananas, and after he has had his share, allows the remains to be distributed to the rest of the troop.

"Washington needs it's alpha." - Bobo the Gorilla

Bobo the gorilla will be running on a platform of fiscal conservatism, focusing on the fact that he is a Washington outsider, who has never held public office. A spokesperson for Bobo’s campaign said that he is attempting to distance himself from the rest of the field by providing a strong option, without the spectacle that has become the norm. “His plan for the economy is simple. A banana in every pocket makes the world go round. The United States will invest heavily in banana plantations, and through the process create renewable jobs, and sustainable agriculture.”

Bobo as a Washington Outsider

Bobo has only been in the race for a short 3 hours, but already he is polling at the top of the GOP field, pulling most of the supporters from Donald Trump. Voters are claiming that he’s the answer to a broken system, and that the only way to truly shift the mind of the elite is to enact change. “It’s almost like he’s a different species of politician,” said a man in a crowd of Bobo supporters at the Michigan zoo today. There is still no word on how Bobo plans to hit the campaign trail, but we will keep you updated as more information is released.

"A different species of politician." - Bobo Supporter

We’ll have more on Bobo’s campaign as we get closer to the 2016 election. Until then, make sure you support his candidacy on social media with #Bobo2016 #BananasForBobo.

The Pattison Chronicle on:

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Apple’s new HC Robot Fails Turing Test

Apple, think differently, but similar to us.

For many years scientists have been arguing over whether or not true artificial intelligence (AI) can be achieved. The ultimate way to determine whether or not someone has completed this task is through what is called a Turing Test. This test involves a human operator conversing with a machine, and if they cannot tell whether or not the machine is indeed artificial, then it passes. A shocking leak today has revealed that Apple was conducting one of these tests right under the eyes of the American public.  Apple CEO Tim Cook took the stage to address the leak earlier today.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I say we have not achieved the milestone we were hoping for. While we have created a very lifelike, thinking machine, we fell short of our lofty goals. In the end, it just wasn’t human.” Tim Cook then proceeded to sweep aside a black curtain, and revealed presidential candidate Hilary Clinton, or the AppleHC for short.

How did we miss it?

Clinton has been dropping steadily in the polls ever since her opponent Bernie Sanders announced his intention to run. Her campaign has been criticized as cold and even robotic, which now makes all the more sense. “While the Apple HC may have failed the Turing Test, we have found that it makes for a great political advisor, and will still be bringing it to market at the end of the year.”

Other tech companies have been quick to criticize Apple’s big reveal with Amazon’s Jeff Bezos calling it “nothing more than a C-ticket Disneyland attraction.” Apple has also announced that they will be releasing a scaled down Apple HC-C (Hilary Clinton Cheap) model, which will launch with less foreign policy integration, but still contain the basic features.

 What do you think of Apple’s big reveal? Were you also underwhelmed? Let us know in the comments below, Facebook, and Twitter.

Obama Moves Legislative Branch to Nearby Park

August 10^th, 2015 WASHINGTON D.C.

The world’s focus over the past few days has been on the beautiful train wreck that is the Republican Party (hey, we all have to take cheap shots sometimes). With all of the spectacle, it’s almost hard to imagine that there is anything else worthy of note going on in the realm of politics (voting rights, pentagon hacks, Syrian Death Star; two out of the three are true), but a new corruption scandal is brewing in the White House. President Obama is nearing the end of his term and has decided to throw caution to the wind and make some extreme changes to the political system.

The biggest of these shifts is a restructuring of the legislative system. Rather than wiping away the filibustering and long nights of arguments with paid dinners, The President has opted for a more elegant solution. Both The Senate and Congress will be relocated from The Capitol Building to a large sandbox in a neighboring park. When asked for comment President Obama said, “If they’re going to act like children, they’re going to get treated like children.” The change went into effect this morning, and already Senator Mitch McConnell is complaining that the other political figures are picking on him, and that his lunch has been buried in sand.

There’s no way to tell if this radical solution will work, but it certainly can’t hinder the broken system. The President has assured the public that both Senators and Congressmen alike will receive juice boxes for each bipartisan bill they manage to get passed to his desk. “They already tried to pass a bill to remove them from the sandbox, but that’s what vetoes are for,” Obama said, chuckling at his press conference this afternoon.

What do you think of the radical change? Is it enough to stop the stagnation in our system? Connect with us on social media and share your thoughts!

Follow us on Twitter: https://twitter.com/thepattison

Or Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ThePattisonChronicle

Guide to Creating Info Graphics

Pattison Chronicle Headquarters SEATTLE, WA. With the political season quickly approaching, we are all about to be bombarded by infographics. Candidates will want to express their plans for the U.S. in a colorful format that really says nothing, but makes readers feel like they might have learned something. In celebration of this hellish political race that we’re already pissed about, here’s a guide to how you can create your own info graphics!

Step 1. Pick a number. It can be any number really, but all good info graphics start with an arbitrary number. Be sure to bold all numbers and words you like in your graphic.

Step 2. Pick two colors, one for text, and one for graphics. These colors should be primary colors, but in a dimmer tone to make the graphic look professional.

Step 3. Relate the initial number to another arbitrary concept that shares some common characteristic and add silhouetted graphics for emphasis.

Step 4. Repeat Step 3 two to five more times.

Step 5. End with a call to action, or a fact that ties it all together.

Well done! You’ve just created an info graphic! Share it with us, share it with your friends, and send it to your mother to show her how smart you are. We will re-post the best info graphics on our many pages, so submit you sheeple!

Guide to the 2016 Presidential Candidates

June 30th, 2015

With 2016 looming ever closer, it seems that there is a nearly endless supply of presidential candidates to choose from. We at The Pattison Chronicle believe that the key to a healthy country is to remain informed (by us, and no other news sources). It is for this reason that we constructed this helpful chart as a guide for the 2016 presidential candidates. Enjoy and share with friends to spread awareness.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to crop all those heads?

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Infographics, #feeltheBern

Man Sues Obama Over Heatwave

June 28th, 2015 SURFACE OF THE SUN?

If you live anywhere in this godforsaken hellhole of a country, then you’ve probably been experiencing the death blasts emanating from the sun in the recent weeks. These ‘heat waves’ have killed, injured, and boosted the commission of AC salespeople tenfold. However, it’s not all good news (wait, was any of that?)

I know this looks like a heat map, but actually we have no idea what it is. Could be beaver attack frequency.

Bill Sharpton of Seattle Washington has recently filed suit against President Obama for causing the heatwave. “This is God’s vengeance. If God had wanted us to have free healthcare he would have given priests superpowers.” This suit comes on the heels of the Supreme Court upholding Obamacare, a healthcare system that our interns didn’t have the time to understand or Google.

Bill’s case hinges on the fact that the heatwave led to his unemployment. He cites the fact that his motivation to put on clothes and go to work was simply lost after the temperatures rose above ninety degrees. If you’d like to take part in making this a class action lawsuit, follow the link below.

Super Scientific Formulas, and a cat, because look at her

--Ashton Macaulay, Legal Correspondent, Hater of the Heat, Sun Abolitionist. 

Has the Northwest’s Politeness Gone Too Far?

June 19th, 2015 SEATTLE WA?

Hey, I actually took this one! Shout out to Columbia Center.

The Northwest is a polite place. Sure, that’s why we all like it so much, but when does it go too far? Recently headlines have been covering the mind-bending shit-storm that is trying to merge in Seattle, but evidence of a much larger story has just become known. A Pattison Chronicle intern (who shall remain nameless so we can’t have their paystubs audited) unearthed a series of documents that call into question the very nature of Seattle’s existence. Specifically, Seattle isn’t an American city, it’s Canadian.

Well that was quick.

It all started in the winter of 1869 when Seattle was first officially incorporated (that’s a fact, we can use Wikipedia). Unfortunately, when the US survey man came through to congratulate the city on being officially recognized, no one stopped to correct him. Instead, citizens hung their heads awkwardly, and tried not to embarrass him any further. As a result, the US took a page out of Vladmir Putin’s book and annexed Canada.

Join the ranks of Chad Croeger and the Beliebers Kurt... I'm so sorry.

Not all is despair Seattle, at least now you have that indie edge that you’ve always wanted. Oh, and rest assured the US will be sanctioning imports, and the new border crossing on both edges of the city will help maintain that majestic traffic we have all come to know and love.

--Ashton Macaulay, Watcher on the Wall (Canadian Border) & Rememberer of the North

School Sued Over Religious Biology Program

June 4, 2015

SEATTLE, WA, LIBERAL SAFEHAVEN

Non-threatening High-school photo to lure in unsuspecting viewers...

A school in Seattle Washington is in hot water today after a teacher has been accused of incorporating religious ideals into a biology class. The discovery came after first grader Jaden Miller (fake name, because he’s a child, you animals), came home with a ‘science project’ assigned to him by the school. The teacher asked Jaden to care for and study a praying mantis for a week, and write up a report to share with the class. Understandably his mother was outraged, and immediately found a way to sue the school system which just has too much money to begin with (all those bribes from the church keeping the cats fat).

Pope Mantis III, 2020, 5 years after mantis uprising

“I was just shocked that they would do this. Keep it in church, you insectoid bastards!” It is worth noting that ‘insectoid’ is not the proper term for referring to a praying mantis, or any insect for that matter, but Mrs. Miller dropped biology in high school claiming secular exemption.

Jesus of Mantisereth, 2050, 20 years after The Great Mantis Nuclear War

The school responded quickly by creating a rigorous training program for faculty and all insects on campus to ensure separation of church from the learning environment. All mantises now have their hands bound in a ‘high five’ gesture which has no religious affiliation and is less austere when compared to their traditional pose of prayer.

A mantis blends in, 5 years before mantis uprising.

More on this as it develops.

--Ashton Macaulay, Mantis in Human Clothing, No I’m not, Sure You Aren’t Flesh-Bag

Pearson Education Games

May 4, 2015, MOS EISELY, TATOOINE

Mandatory scary picture of test bubbles. 

Today The Pattison Chronicle turns its ever-watchful eye to education. It seems that thousands of children and parents have taken it upon themselves to mutiny against the United States Standardized Testing System. Now, like many others, I am angry at the un-American nature of these protests, but also enamored by their rebellious nature. In response, Pearson education has adopted a new form of incentive for those who wish to abstain from their almighty testing procedures.

To combat the rise of those who are refusing to taking their tests, Pearson will be instituting what they refer to as an educational ‘battle royal’. In each school district, one child who failed or did not take the test will be chosen to compete for their right to object in a death-arena mad-max-esque style of justice and adjudication. “This takes the element of fear out of the test, and puts it elsewhere. We’ve had many complaints that children feel pressured to do well on the test. Now it’s more of a pressure to survive.”

Our editor got lazy and filled the rest of the article with pugs, because HOLY SHIT PUGS. 

Education scientists have also theorized that this blood sport might help eliminate some of the racial bias inherent in standard testing procedures. “So long as it’s weapon of choice, in a random location, there should be no racial disparity in combat ability.”

Some have criticized the idea as heavy-handed, but the motion is expected to pass with bipartisan support, as it is “an interesting way to deal with our failing education system.”

I am left with but one question: “If John does not wish to take the standardized test, and he is picked to participate in the Pearson Education Games, with a chance of 1 in 13,000 in survival; are the odds in his favor?

 A) Yes

B) Maybe

C) No

D) I’m not taking this test, sign me up

E) Where is the line for conscientious objector permits?”

Orca Prostitution in Downtown Seatte

Welcome to the second article for The Pattison Chronicle’s Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation Excellence (or WHORE for short, we fired that intern, but the logo was made). In this segment we will focus on an interview that was conducted in the field with a frequent “tap orca” user. The content of this interview is graphic and may be unsuitable for some of our younger readers (we have readers right?).

For those who just can't wait... PERVERTS!

DOWNTOWN SEATTLE, WA

In downtown Seattle, there are over a hundred “tap orca” stations in circulation, and the city is doing nothing about it. The police turn a blind eye to this sordid industry, and most of the public is blissfully unaware of its presence. An intern at the chronicle managed to land an interview with a frequent “tap orca” user, through superior ambush journalism techniques. The citizen declined to have her photo shown, but did consent to be interviewed. As such, we will refer to her as Jane Gottleib of 1045 45^th street, Seattle, WA (Please someone go find this woman!).

“I find that they provide better companionship than humans. Despite their stature, they really are gentle lovers.” The gentle nature she is referring to is of course achieved through repeated injections of mind-numbing drugs by the Seattle Transit Authority. When confronted with the this fact Jane had the following to say: “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If they can tow ferries I don’t see why they can’t work in this industry.”

"I just swipe my card and head over to the waterfront. It's painess..."

It is these kinds of attributions that have kept the orcas in servitude for decades. Help us end orca oppression today, by following The Pattison Chronicle*, and writing to your local transit authority to stop the use of Orca cards. Together we can end this injustice and start a new day for orcas everywhere.

This is a breach for help! 

--Ashton Macaulay, Whale Trainer, Senior Seaworld Trainer, Ferry Captain

*The Pattison Chronicle is a subsidiary of Seaworld International

Man Can’t Marry Dog Under New Gay Marriage Laws

April 21, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH

Alabama recently became one of the many states to embrace (not really, but let us throw them a bone (that pun gets funnier in a minute)) gay marriage as a legal institution. Most of the state is still rioting about the injustice of it all, but one man is upset for a different reason. Clement Harold feels like he was blatantly misled by anti-gay marriage campaigns put forth by the Alabama sect of The Disciples of Christ (that’s a real organization).

“I was told that if gay marriage was passed a man would be able to marry his dog soon after. Well its two months later and me and Precious can’t even have a civil union! The injustice of it all makes me sick. She’s already 7 and doesn’t have too many good years left. I don’t know how much longer we can wait.” Clement is suing the Disciples of Christ for 7 million dollars in emotional damages, which he hopes to use to fund Precious’s dream wedding.

Precious was asked to comment and had the following to say: *woof, woof, WOOF, empty stare, vacantly licking lips, shitting on the grass* It’s very clear that the Pomeranian has no intention of leaving her beloved just to follow archaic laws put forth by a dystopian shadow government. The Pattison Chronicle will be holding a protest this following never, at it’s never happening o’clock in the evening. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Dog Linguist, Burier of Treasure, Sniffer of Garbage

Hilary Clinton to Join Mortal Kombat X Roster

April 12, 2015 THE NEATHER REALM

This weekend has been full of excitement; Game of Thrones is coming back, Daredevil premiered, and on a less important note, Hilary Clinton announced that she is going to be running for president (sarcasm, HILARY 2016). With the newly announced presidential candidate being thrust back into the limelight, wild rumors have already begun to circulate. While most of them have no truth (Hilary Clinton is most definitely not a lizard person, check our guide to be sure: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2015/01/5-signs-your-congressman-might-be.html), but one rumor in particular has been validated.

In a recent leak it has been revealed that Hilary Clinton will be the next to join an ever growing roster of characters for Tuesday’s release of Mortal Kombat X. While no one at Nether Realm Studios has confirmed the leak, screenshots have already been obtained showing the future president’s 3 fighting styles (screenshots not included because we’re tired, and Photoshop is hard): 1. Secretary of Smackdown, this fighting style is characterized by hard political ultimatums and death by a thousand paperwork cuts. 2. Brutality Bearskin Bill, this style sees Hilary combining forms with former president Bill Clinton and a Bear skin rug for animalistic attacks, and a no doubt skimpy costume. 3. Finally we have the Putin Payback, a style characterized by unquenchable rage, fueled mainly by the asinine acts of Vladimir Putin over the last year. It is speculated that this will be the most damage heavy style.

What do you, the readers think? I for one will be picking up a kopy of the game on release date for research (at least that’s what I tell my advisor). Got any cool artistic interpretations for the leaked skins? Send them to our submissions intern at ashtondmacaulay@gmail.com, and we’ll put them up on the blog!

--Ashton Macaulay, Servant of Kotal Kan, Player of Erran Black, Future Nether Realm Studios Employee? (please?)

Greece to Reinstate Gladiator Fighting

April 6^th, 2015 ZEUS’S LAIR

It’s no secret that Greece is currently harboring somewhere in the realm of 300 billion dollars in debt (starting with the truth). With a myriad of international debt collectors and knee cappers knocking on their door, the country has been forced into action. Greece has finally found a plan to chip away at the mountain of debt they have created for themselves (Mt. Olympus Credit Union?)

I hear Wild Waves bought that at auction

Sometime around the 1^st century the Roman Empire implemented a sport that would both provide entertainment to the depressed masses, and generate wealth for the empire (that’s also true, man we’re on fire today). This sport was of course known as Gladiator Combat. The president of Greece (picture not provided as they were too poor to send us a photocopy, and we’re not going to accept another collect call from Greece, because let’s face it, they’re never paying us back), has begun the process of legally reinstating Gladiator Combat as an official sport.

Many are opposed to this reinstatement, calling the idea “barbaric” and “childish”, but Grecian officials have sent out a blanket statement for naysayers: “You got any better ideas?” The resolution is set to pass through the Greek legal system with ease, as most of the legislative bodies have recently been accepting payment in the form of IOUs and are anxious to regain financial stability.

Countries such as Australia (nature’s boss level) and North Korea (because they are the best at every sport; North Korean Census, 2015) have already developed scholarships for student athletes to compete in Greece’s games. It is unclear yet whether or not other countries will follow this trend, but one thing’s for sure: football just got a whole lot lamer.

No word yet on whether or not Russel Crowe will compete. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Grecian Emissary, Fighter of Old-Persons, Watcher of Game of Thrones

Man Sues Ireland for Kidney Failure

MARCH 18TH, SOMEWHERE IN IRELAND

For many the festivities of Saint Patrick ’s Day are still hanging on like a wretched hammer ghost pinballing inside of their aching cavity that once contained a brain, but not all are so pleased. Last night a man who has chosen to remain nameless (likely because he’s not real, but just go with it), suffered nearly fatal kidney failure as a result of binge drinking. Now rather than blaming the incident on self-pity or alcoholism, the man has taken the American way and began the process of suing a foreign country.

That rock better have a damned good lawyer.

“I just think that Ireland should pay for the damages it has caused. It’s irresponsible championing a holiday that condones drinking in such a fashion.” Mr. Smith (for anonymity) went on to say that under normal circumstances his drinking would not have been so severe, and promptly cracked a beer on the side of his hospital bed to “cure the damage the Irish people did to my brain”. Despite his doctor’s warnings about excessive consumption on the other 364 days of the year, Mr. Smith claims that the blame should lie entirely upon the people of Ireland.

When asked for comment the country of Ireland remained surprisingly silent on the matter, giving nothing but rain and wind in form of a response. As has been our usual we are taking their silence as an admission of guilt. To get to the bottom of this The Pattison Chronicle is issuing an ultimatum. If a representative of the Irish national government does not give us an interview within thirty days we will have no choice but to pour out a bottle of Guinness. Don’t make us do this Ireland. It doesn't have to end this way…

--Ashton Macaulay, Pourer of Guinness, Keeper of Threats, Payer of Debts

Gift Basket Turned Air-To-Ground Missile Heightens Tensions Between Egypt and ISIL

February 17th, 2015 SOMEWHERE WITH MUMMIES, EGYPT

It looks like the pyramid laden country of Egypt has made its way back into the news this week after a terrible misunderstanding with the PBS consortium ISIS. Monday morning was supposed to be a day of celebration and an end to fighting between the two, equally middle-eastern factions, but instead it ended in bloodshed when a gift basket turned air-to-ground missile went horribly awry. Rather than the tokens of peace ISIL fighters (civilians) were greeted with fully-functional missiles, with what seemed oddly like fatal intent.

"The incense was a little strong..." --Mohammed Morsi, President of Pyramids

“We were just trying to send some dried fruits, maybe a chocolate or two, but the result was much worse.” Much worse indeed as it appears Egypt fell short of its gift-basket goal by at least two ingredients. Although the gift-basket was checked by several mechanics and trained officials before it was loaded onto the plane, somewhere along the line it was tampered with…

For the safety of the people, we thought it best to cover exactly how accidents like this can happen, and how they can be avoided in the future. Our senior mechanical engineer examined the oversights and shortcuts that may have led to this tragedy. The diagram below details the slippery slope that can turn your gift basket into a weapon.

It's amazing how quickly things can go wrong...

Egypt and ISIL have agreed to go to Red Robin for peace talks after the accidental strike, and negotiations will take place later this week. One thing’s for sure, we’re going to be watching Egypt’s Christmas cards more closely…

Is that pie just a bottle of arsenic? Wait a minute!

--Dan Patterson, Mechanical Expert, Gift Basket Engineer, & Explosives Novice