May 25, 2015, USGS LAB
Do you ever look out your window at that snow-covered mountain, that a high school science teacher once told you was a dormant volcano, and wonder? Well, if recent geological surveys are to be believed, that mountain is almost certainly going to erupt within the next 0 to 1,000,000 years! I know, it’s shocking for all of us, but volcano awareness is the first step to avoiding death by backyard incineration.
Believe it or not there was a geologist out on that mountain today and he confirmed that it was indeed a volcano, which puts you and your family at extreme risk for sudden lava death. Our researchers (they watched Volcano three times apiece, so you know they’re reliable), have put together a helpful guide for you and your family to raise volcano awareness.
Remember, when in doubt, panic and donate all of your money to The Pattison Chronicle. Works 60% of the time, every time.
--Ashton Macaulay, Lover of Volcanic Gods, Hawaii Avoidance Expert, Geologist?