Can You Tell the Difference Between a Millennial and a Cat?

I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately talking about the Millennial working population, or lack thereof. The gist is that Millennials don’t want to work hard, but still want to have shit loads of cash just thrown at them (so far this is all true, let’s break with reality). Throughout these readings, a singular thought occurred to me: “When behind a black curtain, could I tell the difference between a Millennial and a cat?”  The result has led me to the following quiz. Please take it, and post your amount of correct answers on social media and in the comments below. I will legitimately make this into a graph.

Yes Toby, we understand that you need sleep, but The Pattison Chronicle does not tolerate failure. 

MILLENNIAL

Rhapsody contributes nothing to society other than the occasional hairball...

CAT

 Honestly I've experienced this one from both...

MILLENNICAT

Professional development requires opposable thumbs.

MILLENNIAL

Remember to post your results and share this quiz with your friends. Maybe we could pay Millennials in wet food?

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"The Big One" or "The Big Hoax?"

JULY 14, 2015 USGS [POPULAR KIDS]

He may look cute, but he wants to bury you, and your
heathen belief system.

If you’ve been on the internet this week, you’ve no doubt noticed that it has become impossible to browse cat videos without stumbling across the New Yorker article about “The Big One”. If you are unfamiliar, “The Big One” refers to a massive earthquake that will wipe out the entire west coast, similar to the documentary San Andreas. Earthquakes might seem like a real threat, but in truth, they are masking a danger that the scientific community has turned a blind eye to for centuries. I’m talking of course about the mole people branch of Al Qaeda.

Recent information from our highly trained geology majors has uncovered that a series of tremors in the Seattle area might not be the result of tectonic shifting. “If you look at the maps, it just doesn’t add up. Tectonic shifts should cause the plates to move in a horizontal-like fashion, but what we’re seeing is something far more dangerous. In short, there is no explanation other than Terrorist Mole Men.”

These Terrorist Mole Men (TMM for short), were originally part of Al Qaeda, but were thrown out because they were too extreme in their methods. They even briefly joined ISIS, but were kicked out after the Chile sinkhole incident. Ever since they have been digging tunnels beneath the West Coast in the hopes of eliminating the Seahawks (a moles natural predator). It may all seem a little far-fetched, but the science is there if you’re willing to look. If you examine that New Yorker article again, it has TMM written all over it…

--Ashton Macaulay, Conspiracy Theorist, Lover of Bill Murray, Killer of Gophers/Moles

Weatherman Loses His Shit

JULY 13, 2015 FUTURE SITE OF NORTH POLE, FLORIDA

This swirling vortex of death brought to you by Liberalism!

If you’ve been reading the headlines in the side of your Facebook feed (probably our most accurate news source) lately, then you may have noticed the abnormal amount of doomsday weather predictions. In the past two weeks, scientists have predicted mass extinction, mini-ice age, and a series of killer storms that will hydrate Californians to unprecedented levels (http://tinyurl.com/nm6kutv Mini Ice Age Link). With all of this unprecedented news, it’s no surprise that weathermen/women have begun to lose their shit.

Typically, meteorologists go on the air for about five minutes, speculate wildly about super-storms, and then go get drunk at the local bar. Unfortunately, recent scientific predictions about doomsday have put meteorologists under a lot of pressure to make more accurate guesses regarding extreme weather. FOX  news meteorologist Rick Reichmuth went on the air last night to announce that a storm of fireballs would wipe out the heathen state of Washington for their liberal sins, and was quoted as saying “It’s a long shot, but f*** it, we’re all dead anyway.”

The Pattison Chronicle does not put much stock in Reichmuth’s claims, but we will be selling lead-lined umbrellas at our Seattle branch starting July 25. Remember, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

--Ashton Macaulay, Wearer of Tinfoil Hats, Amateur Meteorologist, Future Igloo Owner

Parents Horrified as Highly Qualified Liberal Arts Major Can’t Get a Job

July 6^th, 2015 YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT

A suburban mother was terrified this morning as the news of her son’s unemployment came in the form of a text message asking for “a place to crash, just until I get my feet under me.” Chad Williams, 23 years old, had just graduated from Evergreen College with a major in History through Interpretive Dance, when he found himself on the unemployment line.

“I just don’t understand it. He had passing grades throughout college, and now he can’t even find a job teaching inner-city youths about The Civil War through dance. I think it’s the economy.” With business and high tech on the rise in the Seattle area, it’s no surprise that students who majored in anything involving interpretive dance, psychology, and other studies (mainly anything that isn’t computer science, business, or math) have found a stark job market.

Ah, university, a place for postponing the slap in the face that is our current job market. 

In these trying times of unemployment, The Pattison Chronicle has dedicated time to make a flowchart to help youths in deciding on where to apply in the current job market.

Please share with your loved ones, so that we may stop unemployment, one non-science major at a time.

--Ashton Macaulay, Master’s in Experimental Psychology, Please Hire Me, I have a CV

Pope Loses Vatican Splendors in Dice Game

July 1, 2015 VATICAN CITY

Let's all take a minute just to remember that Catholics own a small country. 

Strange news out of the Vatican today, as it seems that Pope Francis has gambled away half of the Vatican Splendors (that’s a real term for all the crazy shit they own.) The pope made the announcement from his balcony this morning sporting a black eye because he ‘didn’t want to pay up’.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy snake eyes.

Several Vatican authorities have confirmed The Pope’s love of gambling and all things dice, but confessed (see what we did there?) that they never thought it would be a problem. “Francis would always dice with other religious dignitaries. He never lost.” The Pope’s luck turned when on his most recent trip he entered into a game of dice with radical group ISIS, wagering the Vatican splendors against ownership of Tunisia.

Blessed be thy dice...

When asked to comment on the matter Francis simply said, “I thought God had my back.” 

--Ashton Macaulay, Religious Correspondent, Freight Train Conductor to Hell

Guide to the 2016 Presidential Candidates

June 30th, 2015

With 2016 looming ever closer, it seems that there is a nearly endless supply of presidential candidates to choose from. We at The Pattison Chronicle believe that the key to a healthy country is to remain informed (by us, and no other news sources). It is for this reason that we constructed this helpful chart as a guide for the 2016 presidential candidates. Enjoy and share with friends to spread awareness.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to crop all those heads?

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Infographics, #feeltheBern

Has the Northwest’s Politeness Gone Too Far?

June 19th, 2015 SEATTLE WA?

Hey, I actually took this one! Shout out to Columbia Center.

The Northwest is a polite place. Sure, that’s why we all like it so much, but when does it go too far? Recently headlines have been covering the mind-bending shit-storm that is trying to merge in Seattle, but evidence of a much larger story has just become known. A Pattison Chronicle intern (who shall remain nameless so we can’t have their paystubs audited) unearthed a series of documents that call into question the very nature of Seattle’s existence. Specifically, Seattle isn’t an American city, it’s Canadian.

Well that was quick.

It all started in the winter of 1869 when Seattle was first officially incorporated (that’s a fact, we can use Wikipedia). Unfortunately, when the US survey man came through to congratulate the city on being officially recognized, no one stopped to correct him. Instead, citizens hung their heads awkwardly, and tried not to embarrass him any further. As a result, the US took a page out of Vladmir Putin’s book and annexed Canada.

Join the ranks of Chad Croeger and the Beliebers Kurt... I'm so sorry.

Not all is despair Seattle, at least now you have that indie edge that you’ve always wanted. Oh, and rest assured the US will be sanctioning imports, and the new border crossing on both edges of the city will help maintain that majestic traffic we have all come to know and love.

--Ashton Macaulay, Watcher on the Wall (Canadian Border) & Rememberer of the North

Seattle Turns to Piracy

June 16, 2015 SEATTLE WA

Stock image of Seattle to attract viewers...

A disturbing trend has taken hold in Seattle’s marine areas, as thousands of unemployed college graduates have forsaken the city’s high-rent hovels for the high seas. In the wake of the Amazon bubble (That’s right Bezos, it’s a goddamned bubble, just you wait), piracy has once again become a legitimate profession. With rent for a 10 square foot apartment being somewhere in the $1590/Month range, commandeering sailboats and plundering the Puget Sound has become an increasingly attractive option. We’ve included a five-step guide to figure out if your loved one might be making the jump to piracy.

1. Beard Activity

2. Presence of Weaponry

3. Sudden Boat Ownership

4. Why is the rum gone?

5. Monkeys

If your loved one fits any of these profiles, it’s time to consider giving the anti-piracy talk. We will soon be releasing a parenting guide to raising your child piracy free. It will be available for digital download, so that we can make some fucking money and return that boat we didn’t steal, and feed the monkey, and polish the swords, and buy more rum, and beard lube. Get off my back mom!

Portland to Host NFL Team

June 13, 2015 PORTLAND, OR

Soon to be gluten-free

Yes, that’s right, you read our headline correctly; Portland Oregon is going to be hosting a new sports team! With the success of the Portland Timbers and the lackluster glory that always seems to trail the Blazers, it was only a matter of time before Portland invested in something fresh. Next summer Portland will play host to the NFL’s first ironic pro football team, The Portland Jack Wagons.

The team opted to use this photo of a brick wall as their logo, saying "it's about the government."

The Portland Jack Wagons have already boycotted next year’s NFL draft, claiming that they “wouldn’t want any of the ‘mainstream’ players anyway.” Instead, Portland will be recruiting former all-star cricket player Sachin Tendulkar (that’s a real person), lead singer of Hole Courtney Love and famous knee-capper Tonya Harding. The team manager will be none other than movie director Gus Van Sant.

Van Sant gave a brief interview on the new team’s style: “The team will focus on the pacifistic aspects of pro-football while simultaneously lampooning the beast-like nature of our opponents. Yes, some of our players may be injured, but in the end, that’s art.” Rather than playing in a stadium, Van Sant has opted to play the team’s home games in “an abandoned parking lot behind that cool new restaurant on Macadam.”

We would have photoshopped a football into her hand, but the intern was in charge of photos today, and he doesn't have a license. So just imagine a football in her hand. Can you picture it? Good. Now subscribe so that this doesn't have to happen again.

Rest assured that we will be covering this team’s rise to fame over the next year.

--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, Professional Obfuscator, and Jack Wagon Fan

Thousands Flee Portland as Popularity Rises

MAY 31ST, PORTLAND OR

2015 will likely mark one of Portland’s most populated years. The vacancy rate for properties in Portland has dropped below 3%, and that’s true and fucking insane. Portland’s population boom has been largely attributed to hipster culture, locally grown kale, and coffee so stiff that it holds up the city’s many decaying bridges. Unfortunately, it appears as though the golden age of this mecca of free expression and nude art may be coming to an end. 

The chaos and unrest caused by listening to Congratulations on loop for ten days...
Photo Cred. Jascha, Designated Pattison Chronicle Hipster Wildlife  Photographer

With increasing amounts of migration to Portland as a safe haven for shit that other cities just won’t put up with, its popularity has risen to record highs. However, this spike in popularity has caused a massive migration of Portland’s signature hipster population. When asked where they were going they responded: “Some little town you’ve probably never heard of.” The hoard of mustachioed men and women riding recumbent unicycles was last seen heading north on what they would only call “The road less traveled.”

Keep your local authorities informed; report any hipster sightings immediately, lest they open up an ironically themed futuristic antiques store near you… If you need help, refer to our handy guide!

Good Mountain Bad Mountain: A Geologist's Guide

May 25, 2015, USGS LAB

Do you ever look out your window at that snow-covered mountain, that a high school science teacher once told you was a dormant volcano, and wonder? Well, if recent geological surveys are to be believed, that mountain is almost certainly going to erupt within the next 0 to 1,000,000 years! I know, it’s shocking for all of us, but volcano awareness is the first step to avoiding death by backyard incineration.

Believe it or not there was a geologist out on that mountain today and he confirmed that it was indeed a volcano, which puts you and your family at extreme risk for sudden lava death. Our researchers (they watched Volcano three times apiece, so you know they’re reliable), have put together a helpful guide for you and your family to raise volcano awareness. 

Remember, when in doubt, panic and donate all of your money to The Pattison Chronicle. Works 60% of the time, every time. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Lover of Volcanic Gods, Hawaii Avoidance Expert, Geologist?

Government to Allow Vegas to Collect Organs

May 19, 2015 LAS VEGAS, NV

Las Vegas, the city of corrupt executives, legal prostitution, and graveyard for music careers. Oh wait, and gambling, yes lots of gambling. Some casinos on the North Strip make over 72 million dollars a year in table-gaming revenue (that’s your fun fact for the day, brought to you by Wheaties and Wikipedia). However, the powers at be (old white men who enjoy living in towers made of endangered elephant tusk [ivory]) are unsatisfied with this gaming revenue, saying “at least a third of the debts owed to the casinos go unpaid.” Under usual circumstances, this business is left to shady men in nice suits with large guns, but the gaming commission has just proposed a new set of laws to recoup their losses.

Thanks for Imagine Dragons, take the rest back....

Beginning in 2016 The Strip wants to begin accepting human organs to mitigate outstanding debts owed to the casinos. A casino owner had the following to say: “Illegal organ trafficking generates between 600 million and 1.2 billion dollars a year worldwide.” The large range is due to some years where bear attacks are more frequent, leaving less usable organs for the traffickers. “By making the industry legal we hope to recoup our losses, and sustain the quickly dying casino industry.” By quickly dying, he meant rapidly expanding. The gaming commission plans to use the profits to book David Copperfield to perform in every major hotel simultaneously (through The Prestige style cloning or some other expensive bullshit).

What do you think about the new direction Las Vegas is taking? Sound off in the comments, or remain resolutely silent with passive aggressive Facebook likes. That’s fine too… still helps the ego.

Is Mad Max Turning Our Men Gay?

May 15, 2015 FURY ROAD [GAY AGENDA HEADQUARTERS]

Mad Max portrays a bleak future where women have more power than men...

Many of you may have noticed the rave reviews that Mad Max: Fury Road has been receiving from critics and fans alike. Watching cars explode each other in stunning HD might seem like a satisfactory way to spend your Friday night, but Mad Max is not what it seems. Deep beneath the dry, desert surface is a feminist agenda specifically targeted at turning the heterosexual male population into a bunch of pansies who would rather lift a women’s rights pamphlet than a dumbbell (Return of the Kings et al., 2015).

Thankfully, the organization Return of the Kings has helped pull off the tastefully opaque Hollywood curtain that’s hiding the sinister truth behind this movie (that’s actually true). Rather than an action movie, Mad Max is more of a two-hour feminist rant told from the perspective of a backseat driver, who won’t let Max do his job. The women in this movie talk all too much and promote dangerous social ideals such as women in positions of power, and equality between the genders (that’s almost a direct quote from Return of Kings). In fact the one man who seems to get it in this movie is portrayed as the villain. While he is busy kidnapping women for the greater social good of creating babies that aren’t inbred hicks, the main character (Charlize Theron) is sabotaging this plan in favor of selfish feminist ideals.

If you believe in men being men and women being women, the way God intended, then boycott Fury Road this weekend. However, if you’re a reasonable individual that doesn’t feel threatened by the idea of gender equality, I can’t think of a better way to spend 15 dollars. Seriously, this is the best action movie of the decade. It’s so good that I can’t even make fun of it sarcastically. Stop reading this and go now!

Also please spend your weekend trolling Return of Kings: http://www.returnofkings.com/

THEY ARE HUMAN GARBAGE

Correlation Found to Imply Causation

May 13, 2015, STUCK IN A STATISTICS PROGRAM

For anyone who has taken an introductory statistics class, the phrase: “correlation does not imply causation,” has likely been hammered into your brain. This logic has been considered ironclad for millennia (probably older than statistics, but what the hell; numbers), but a researcher for an online pay-to-play university might be about to change all that. If Dr. Hedupass’s (pronounced Hey-Dew-Pass) recent research is to be believed, correlation may indeed imply causation.

Wait Nancy, do you see that? It's a bunch of bullshit!

“We conducted a correlational study assessing previous correlational studies and their relational to causal outcomes. The data yielded marginally significant p-values (p = .15) suggesting that our model was indeed positively related to causation. That is to say that as the correlational nature of a study increases, so does the relation to causality.” For those who wish to view Dr. Hedupass’s project, he has not posted the data anywhere, but has assured us that the sample size is massive, the data were certainly cherry picked (to assure he got the best ones), and that he has conducted a median split as due diligence for his analysis.

I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Up yours my former stats teacher who failed me in high school for implying that my correlation between dinosaur attacks and genetic modification was not a ‘cause’ for alarm.”

--Ashton Macaulay, Amateur Statistician, and Raptor Alarmist

Pearson Education Games

May 4, 2015, MOS EISELY, TATOOINE

Mandatory scary picture of test bubbles. 

Today The Pattison Chronicle turns its ever-watchful eye to education. It seems that thousands of children and parents have taken it upon themselves to mutiny against the United States Standardized Testing System. Now, like many others, I am angry at the un-American nature of these protests, but also enamored by their rebellious nature. In response, Pearson education has adopted a new form of incentive for those who wish to abstain from their almighty testing procedures.

To combat the rise of those who are refusing to taking their tests, Pearson will be instituting what they refer to as an educational ‘battle royal’. In each school district, one child who failed or did not take the test will be chosen to compete for their right to object in a death-arena mad-max-esque style of justice and adjudication. “This takes the element of fear out of the test, and puts it elsewhere. We’ve had many complaints that children feel pressured to do well on the test. Now it’s more of a pressure to survive.”

Our editor got lazy and filled the rest of the article with pugs, because HOLY SHIT PUGS. 

Education scientists have also theorized that this blood sport might help eliminate some of the racial bias inherent in standard testing procedures. “So long as it’s weapon of choice, in a random location, there should be no racial disparity in combat ability.”

Some have criticized the idea as heavy-handed, but the motion is expected to pass with bipartisan support, as it is “an interesting way to deal with our failing education system.”

I am left with but one question: “If John does not wish to take the standardized test, and he is picked to participate in the Pearson Education Games, with a chance of 1 in 13,000 in survival; are the odds in his favor?

 A) Yes

B) Maybe

C) No

D) I’m not taking this test, sign me up

E) Where is the line for conscientious objector permits?”

Homeless Camp Out for Star Wars

May 4th, 2015, A MOVIE THEATER FAR FAR AWAY...

It’s May 4^th everyone, and you know what that means; this article is going to be about Star Wars. It appears a line for Star Wars: The Force Awakens has already formed outside a local Seattle theatre, but rather than plucky young nerds in full Jedi regalia inhabiting this shanty town of tents and lawn chairs, it’s the homeless.  

Artists rendering of the shantytown

Regal’s Northgate Cinema in Seattle has become a full-blown shantytown in the wake of a startling revelation by the homeless community. “Turns out if you buy a $15 ticket, you can just camp out on the side of the building until December.” That’s right; the homeless have turned Star Wars enthusiasm into a source of cheap rent. The regal manager says that he attempted to remove the homeless town after discovering their plan, but found the homeless had constructed a deflector shield powered by body odor and broken bottles. 

$18 for a movie ticket doesn't seem so bad anymore...

A spokesperson for the newly formed township said that they while they are a peaceful people, they are only days away from a fully operational battle-station with the power to drive away local business owners, and theoretically enact political policy change. This system has been contracted to former AT-AT designers for The Galactic Empire, and is described as "More powerful than you can possibly imagine."

You heard it here first. If you’re homeless, pre-order a ticket and you can camp outside regal for a year and it’s mostly socially acceptable! From all of us at The Pattison Chronicle, May the 4^th be with you, always (except for you George, you know what you did).

--Ashton Macaulay-Kenobi, Sith Political Campaign Manager, Jawa Rights Advocate, and Nerf-Herder

Interview With a Tow Orca

May 1, 2015 THE OCEAN, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL

For the final day of the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence, The Pattison Chronicle took to the streets (well, more like the ocean). Excerpts from the following may be disturbing to some of our readers who are averse to mind blowing, emotional, social commentary. You have been warned.

Our reporter Mac Turbine dawned a wetsuit and conducted the interview in the frigid waters of the Puget Sound, an area most Orca whales will not tread in. “It’s not surprising to see this happening. I mean when you have a community of people who are continually oppressed into menial work, eventually they will be subjugated.” he is referring to the tow orca industry [for reference: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2014/12/are-orca-whales-being-oppressed-by.html] “The ultrasonic wails coming from the ‘tap orca’ houses are not from pleasure, they are calls for help. No one wants to live this life, but what choice do we have?” When talking about the oppression it was unclear whether or not James (the orca wished to remain anonymous) was crying, or if he was moist from the ocean, but either way, we can assume some deep emotional pain.

In a final comment, James said “Fuck the Seattle Transit Authority; we’re not just animals for you to toy with and look down upon! Also, go to SeaWorld, that place is pretty great, and almost certainly doesn’t mistreat its animals. **”

As the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence ends, I want to remind you all that while the plight of the orca may pass from the limelight that does not mean it ceases to exist. We may have raised awareness by shedding light on this incident, but the real work has to be done by the people. Tell your friends, educate lawmakers, and stand up for orca abuse wherever you see it. I leave you with an inspirational quote from Pattison, the orca that inspired this fine paper: “It is not who I am, but what I do that defines me, now excuse me while I chase this tuna.”

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Subtlety, Bender of Minds, and Professional Humorist.

**The Pattison Chronicle is funded almost entirely by the SeaWorld Corporation of America. This most certainly does not (it does) influence what we choose to print (or which interviews we doctor).