The Pattison Chronicle Interview Guide

Having trouble finding a job in the current economy? We here at The Pattison Chronicle think it’s a damned shame that qualified people such as our viewers (clearly the best people out there) can’t find jobs in their fields. As such, we’ve created a comprehensive five step guide on how to ace your first interview and get that dream job you’ve always wanted.

1. Hair

Hair Style, you don’t want to look like a dork walking into some corporate hotshot office. So here are the three acceptable hairstyles for interviewing that say “Hey, I’m conservative, but also an alpha male/female.” Remember that all of these cuts are unisex, because do you

2. Attire

The second is obviously clothing. In the job market you’re going to be going up against a bunch of conservatively dressed pencil pushers. Break the mold, and remember that tasteful sleeveless tees are the name of the game.

3. Be late

Show up late. This one should be a no-brainer, but oftentimes people are punctual for an interview, and nothing says NERD like timeliness. If your interview is at 10AM, show up at 11, or better yet, don’t show up at all. Tell your boss that you are in charge of scheduling, and that they shouldn’t be wasting your time with early meetings.

4. The Cat

Emphasize your cat. There isn’t a boss in the world who won’t be amazed by your ability to tame the unfettered beast that is a domesticated feline. Owning a cat shows that you are responsible, and akin to Tarzan when it comes to woodland survival. Don’t have a cat? Get one.

5. Eye Contact

When in doubt, don’t speak. Prolonged, aggravated eye contact is a surefire way to assert dominance in the workplace, and almost never comes across as creepy or weird. Hell, you’ll probably get promoted for being such a go-getter.

Just remember, you’re the best person for this job, and the interviewer should know that already. Realistically, the entire interview is riding on them, so you might as well relax and have a cold one. Be sure to share your success stories with us on Twitter, Facebook, and the comments below. Also remember that sharing is caring, and once you have a job, you should help your friends out by sharing this guide so that they don’t end up flipping burgers at Bank of America.

Parents Horrified as Highly Qualified Liberal Arts Major Can’t Get a Job

July 6^th, 2015 YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT

A suburban mother was terrified this morning as the news of her son’s unemployment came in the form of a text message asking for “a place to crash, just until I get my feet under me.” Chad Williams, 23 years old, had just graduated from Evergreen College with a major in History through Interpretive Dance, when he found himself on the unemployment line.

“I just don’t understand it. He had passing grades throughout college, and now he can’t even find a job teaching inner-city youths about The Civil War through dance. I think it’s the economy.” With business and high tech on the rise in the Seattle area, it’s no surprise that students who majored in anything involving interpretive dance, psychology, and other studies (mainly anything that isn’t computer science, business, or math) have found a stark job market.

Ah, university, a place for postponing the slap in the face that is our current job market. 

In these trying times of unemployment, The Pattison Chronicle has dedicated time to make a flowchart to help youths in deciding on where to apply in the current job market.

Please share with your loved ones, so that we may stop unemployment, one non-science major at a time.

--Ashton Macaulay, Master’s in Experimental Psychology, Please Hire Me, I have a CV