Behavioral Data Analysis Presentations Functionally Similar to Paint Drying

JULY 22, 2015 SEATTLE WA

Big news out of the psychology community this week as conclusive evidence has been obtained demonstrating that reports of behavioral data analysis are functionally similar to

watching paint dry (with 95% estimated certainty). This news has set the community on fire as just last week behavioral data analyst Mike Klippinger had produced evidence that data analysis was considered to be one of the sexiest professions to women under 40 with over 10 cats (albeit with a sample size of 1 and an estimated certainty of only 94%).

The experiment took place in a basement laboratory at Stanford using unaware undergraduate students (because they’re so easy to obtain), over a period of four hours. “We had two groups. One group listened to an exciting report on behavioral data analysis in the human resources field, and the other watched paint dry on a wall. We ensured that students had no idea which condition they were in by telling those in the paint condition that they were actually watching a behavioral data analysis presentation.”

Student Mark Lowly claimed that he was completely blind to the experiment, and noticed the trick only after the paint had dried. “After a while I was just like, wait, this paint isn’t lecturing to me, it’s just drying.” The researchers will be publishing their findings in the coming weeks. By the time the 8 week scientific replication process is over, the public will  have no doubt lost interest and moved on to the next inflammatory finding, so, let’s all just take the science on faith and call it a day, we’ve earned it.

--Ashton Macaulay, Behavioral Data Analyst, Recent Psychology Graduate, Mr. Newell Please Hire me

Parents Horrified as Highly Qualified Liberal Arts Major Can’t Get a Job

July 6^th, 2015 YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT

A suburban mother was terrified this morning as the news of her son’s unemployment came in the form of a text message asking for “a place to crash, just until I get my feet under me.” Chad Williams, 23 years old, had just graduated from Evergreen College with a major in History through Interpretive Dance, when he found himself on the unemployment line.

“I just don’t understand it. He had passing grades throughout college, and now he can’t even find a job teaching inner-city youths about The Civil War through dance. I think it’s the economy.” With business and high tech on the rise in the Seattle area, it’s no surprise that students who majored in anything involving interpretive dance, psychology, and other studies (mainly anything that isn’t computer science, business, or math) have found a stark job market.

Ah, university, a place for postponing the slap in the face that is our current job market. 

In these trying times of unemployment, The Pattison Chronicle has dedicated time to make a flowchart to help youths in deciding on where to apply in the current job market.

Please share with your loved ones, so that we may stop unemployment, one non-science major at a time.

--Ashton Macaulay, Master’s in Experimental Psychology, Please Hire Me, I have a CV

Apple Unveils the iWatch C

March 9, 2015 APPLE HEADQUARTERS, COFFE SHOP?

"Imagine being able to tell the time, without looking at your phone."

The announcement of Apple’s new smart watch has been mixed reviews. The pricing models range from a couple hundred dollars all the way to $10,000 (that part is actually true). The hefty price tags didn’t do much to deter a veritable army of men with top knots, shoddily made wool hats, and thick rimmed glasses who have already begun lining up around the blocks of metropolitan business centers around the country. However, for those who can’t afford this new item that is clearly  a necessity, Apple has an option for you!

Introducing the Apple iWatch Cheap…

"Sometimes old school is the best school."

“This cheaper model of our already wildly successful iWatch is a more efficient and slimmed down product. It is completely solar powered, making charging a thing of the past.” While the iWatch C doesn’t have some of the features (everything but the ability to tell time) of its more expensive model, Apple CEO Tim Cook promises that customers will be satisfied.

The iWatch C has a hefty list of pre-orders and is likely to sell out before it hits shelves this Wednesday. “I just really like the feel of it; It’s so retro and minimalist.” Said one man wearing a sweatshirt with a hand-knit bear on it, sipping a foamless, non-fat, free range, soy macchiato from a local coffee chain that has since gone into foreclosure.

Lenon wants his glasses back dude.

We here at The Pattison Chroncile would write more about this, but we have to get in f***ing line!

--Ashton Macaulay, titles, titles, F*** it