Viking Field Goal Hampered by Divine Intervention

January 11^th 2016

For many Minnesota fans, Sunday’s game was a disappointment, as their playoff hopes died with an ill-fated field goal attempt. Most were quick to disown Blair Walsh and blame his inadequacy (until next year’s pre-season), but some have speculated that there may have been another reason for his missed attempt. Mainly, the blame has begun to fall on the vengeful wrath of ancient Viking gods who have been offended by Minnesota’s mascot.

The Minnesota Vikings have used caricatures of Norse gods for their mascot since the early 1960s, and it appears that it is finally catching up with them. Professors of mythology from all over the globe have begun to speculate that there might have been some divine interference during the game. “If you look at the moment the kick veers off course, you can very clearly see Thor’s hammer flying in from the west,” said Dr. Obfu Scate. He suspects that the Norse gods finally grew tired of being a mockery and took matters into their own hands.

Meteorologists have also been unable to explain the extreme cold experienced during the game, which is unusual for Wisconsin’s normally balmy climate. While some initially interpreted this as the gods being on Minnesota’s side, it is clear now that it was the opposite.

The Seattle Seahawks were seen training with several ornithologists for their next game, but have declined to acknowledge their fear of potential mascot interference. More on this story after next week’s game.

--Ashton Macaulay, Junior Ornithologist, Football Spectator, Television Set Combatant

Top 5 Star Wars SPOILERS!!!!

Alright, there’s no other way to go about this, Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be available for the public tonight. Fortunately, The Pattison Chronicle staff was invited to a special pre-screening last night, and rather than having to wait a day, we’ve decided to give you a list of our top five spoilers for the upcoming movie. So buckle up, and prepare for education, because you’re going to learn something today.

1. There’s Full Frontal Han

Look at that tasteful leather.

Remember Slave Leia? Well it looks like Disney is doing away with traditional gender roles, and in a bold move included a scene with Han fully nude, to embrace the character’s vulnerability. It is done in a tasteful shot with Han’s decrepit manhood being silhouetted against Tatooine’s twin suns while Binary Sunset plays in the background. Way to be bold Disney.

2. Pod Racing is Back

Sorry lil Annie, just no.

J.J. Abrams was tight lipped about the plot to The Force Awakens for a reason. The bulk of this movie involves Han being rescued from the clutches of the Hutts (see Spoiler #1) after a deal goes sour. Luke has to come out of retirement (from being a Jedi badass), and must channel his father to win a series of increasingly dangerous pod races for Han’s freedom. This all culminates with a cameo by Sebulba, who you guessed it, is still the king of racing. It was a nice nod to the original trilogy (I, II, and III), and will surely please fans.

3. All of the Main Characters are CG

Don't tell anyone we handicammed the premier...

In a surprising turn of events, the film looks remarkably different from its trailers. While audiences will be expecting an archaic clutter of practical effects and hard labor, they will be pleasantly surprised with an Avatar-esque computer generated masterpiece. All of the characters are rendered in gorgeous 1080p, looking even realer than the real thing.

4. Finn and Rey are only cameo characters

Remember all those trailers that focused on the “new generation” of Star Wars? Turns out it was all a red herring. The only scene these new characters are featured in is an initial chase that sets up Han’s capture. It seems that J.J. has really learned his lesson about revealing too many casting details ahead of a movie’s release. Got me good Abrams, got me good.

5. That end credits scene

Summer 2017

There has been a lot of buzz about Episode 8’s plot and who’s going to be directing it. With all of the changes in script and directors, the film’s future was uncertain, until now. After the credits roll, we are treated to a cameo by Vin Diesel as he pulls up in Anakin’s old pod racer (10 second pod), and challenges Luke to a race. This is followed by the title Star Wars Episode VIII: The Fast Awakens. Following the news, director Justin Lin has also come out and said that he will be directing the eighth installment in the franchise.

--Ashton Macaulay, Man Who's Been in Line for a Year, Alderaan Enthusiast, First Order General

Whole Foods Scandal

The granola-based grocery chain Whole Foods is under fire today as one of its most popular items has been misleading customers. The custom-branded Himalayan Llama Milk was recently tested by a group of dissatisfied scientists, and found to contain gluten, animal cruelty, and GMOs. This comes on the wake of another scandal where Whole Foods was accused of cutting gluten free bread with regular whole wheat to create dependency, and save on cost.

“It’s just impossible to trust them anymore. I’ll just have to go local for my Himalayan llama milk from now on,” said a disgruntled customer wearing two pairs of thick rimmed glasses and a fedora knit by the homeless, who claimed to enjoy the product. For those who are unfamiliar, Himalayan llama milk is prized for the altitude at which it is collected, with Sherpas swearing by its mystical healing powers. Whole Foods claims that these llamas are kept on secret farms deep within the mountains, to assure that the animals do not feel any public shame for debasing themselves to fill cereal bowls made of re-claimed oak trees.

The group of rogue scientists calling themselves Activists to Stymie Subterfuge (ASS), have vowed to test the entire Whole Foods catalog, and publish their results online. Farmer’s markets and roadside fruit stands are set to see an economic boom as consumer trust in the Whole Foods brand has already dropped by over 75%. Be sure to join the fight against Whole Foods on social media by using the hashtag #ForLlamasSake. Share your thoughts with us on Facebook and Twitter as well!

Amazon Prime Coming to Spaaaaace

In a press conference this morning, Amazon head Jeff Bezos announced that he had acquired land in Florida for construction of a rocket launch facility (I can’t actually believe it, but that part is true). What was unclear as of this morning’s announcement was what Amazon’s future plans for the facility were. However, in a brief tweet this afternoon, the company has given a little insight into what their intentions actually are: “Amazon Prime Space”.

That’s right; Amazon Prime is going to be offering two -day delivery to astronauts aboard the International Space Station (ISS). Beginning early next year, Amazon will begin sending test rockets to deliver supplies to the ISS, and afterward will ship a limited catalog on a regular basis.
The initial catalog will feature two flavors of Tang, dehydrated ice cream, and a slinky space experimentation kit.

What do you think of Amazon’s bold new direction? Let us know in the comments, on Facebook, and on Twitter. Also make sure to check out our article on Amazon's newest ground delivery service.

City of Seattle Funds Psychiatric Volcanology

September 8th, 2015 SEATTLE, WA

Seattle, city of rain, passive-aggressive homeless, and of course, a massive volcano waiting to kill us all. For anyone who has not read our article on volcano awareness, allow me to give you a quick recap: When Mount Rainer finally decides it’s had enough, we’re all done for. Luckily, the Seattle City Council has opted to do something about it, because for obvious reasons, volcanoes are the city’s number one concern.

Beginning fall 2016, Seattle will start providing research grants for PhD students willing to study Psychiatric Volcanology. “It’s clear now that our neighbor Mount Rainier is emotionally unstable, and the fact of the matter is that our geologists can’t do anything about it. They can predict when it might blow, and develop evacuation plans, but we need to stop this at the source,” said Seattle mayor Ed Murray.

Psychiatric Volcanologists will focus on the emotional states of past volcanoes, examining modern day case studies like the Bi-Polar Kilauea, all the way to Manic Depressive Pompeii. Through examination of the past, it is hoped that scientists will be able further identify risk factors for the mountains in the Pacific North West, as well as treatment plans to help keep them stable. University of Washington has already announced its support for the plan, stating that they have begun immediate construction on a combined geology and psychology department science center, slated to begin accepting students next fall.

Still from the Pixar Documentary Lava(2015)

The whole plan will cost Seattle tax-payers a paltry $150 million dollars over the next four years. We here at The Pattison Chronicle are happy to finally see the government take action on the important issues, and will gladly be contributing to the cause. What do you think of the new program? Will you become one of the first Volcanic Psychologists? Tell us on Facebook and Twitter, and don’t forget to subscribe! 

NFL Launches Preemptive Campaign

September 2nd, 2015, NFL HEADQUARTERS, DEATH STAR. 

This morning Columbia Pictures released the first trailer for its new movie Concussion starring Will Smith. It centers on all of the horrible nastiness that happens to players brains when they get hit in the head repeatedly for a living (so far all true). This, understandably has led to some poor press for the NFL, prompting a new campaign from Commissioner Roger Goodell. The campaign focuses on the tried and true “Hey! Look over there!” technique, and moves the public crosshairs over FIFA.

Actual photo of Roger Goodell by Pattison Chronicle Intern Jimmy 2.0

“The message is simple: Hey fans, we’re not as bad as FIFA,” said Roger Goodell in a press conference just this morning. Already the NFL has begun to take up ad space across the United States and Europe, to combat any negative press directed at American Football. The organization denies that the campaign is a direct response to the movie trailer, instead saying that it’s more of a precautionary move.

From right to left: New Jersey, Qatar. 

“The NFL is going to have some scandals this year, guaranteed. We need to do whatever we can to keep the political spotlight elsewhere. This isn’t just a campaign for now, it’s a campaign for football’s future,” said financial analyst John Moneybanks (last name legally changed because he has “so much money in the bank, it’s ludicrous”).

What do you think of the NFL’s new campaign? Let us know on Facebook and Twitter!

Guide to Creating Info Graphics

Pattison Chronicle Headquarters SEATTLE, WA. With the political season quickly approaching, we are all about to be bombarded by infographics. Candidates will want to express their plans for the U.S. in a colorful format that really says nothing, but makes readers feel like they might have learned something. In celebration of this hellish political race that we’re already pissed about, here’s a guide to how you can create your own info graphics!

Step 1. Pick a number. It can be any number really, but all good info graphics start with an arbitrary number. Be sure to bold all numbers and words you like in your graphic.

Step 2. Pick two colors, one for text, and one for graphics. These colors should be primary colors, but in a dimmer tone to make the graphic look professional.

Step 3. Relate the initial number to another arbitrary concept that shares some common characteristic and add silhouetted graphics for emphasis.

Step 4. Repeat Step 3 two to five more times.

Step 5. End with a call to action, or a fact that ties it all together.

Well done! You’ve just created an info graphic! Share it with us, share it with your friends, and send it to your mother to show her how smart you are. We will re-post the best info graphics on our many pages, so submit you sheeple!

Behavioral Data Analysis Presentations Functionally Similar to Paint Drying

JULY 22, 2015 SEATTLE WA

Big news out of the psychology community this week as conclusive evidence has been obtained demonstrating that reports of behavioral data analysis are functionally similar to

watching paint dry (with 95% estimated certainty). This news has set the community on fire as just last week behavioral data analyst Mike Klippinger had produced evidence that data analysis was considered to be one of the sexiest professions to women under 40 with over 10 cats (albeit with a sample size of 1 and an estimated certainty of only 94%).

The experiment took place in a basement laboratory at Stanford using unaware undergraduate students (because they’re so easy to obtain), over a period of four hours. “We had two groups. One group listened to an exciting report on behavioral data analysis in the human resources field, and the other watched paint dry on a wall. We ensured that students had no idea which condition they were in by telling those in the paint condition that they were actually watching a behavioral data analysis presentation.”

Student Mark Lowly claimed that he was completely blind to the experiment, and noticed the trick only after the paint had dried. “After a while I was just like, wait, this paint isn’t lecturing to me, it’s just drying.” The researchers will be publishing their findings in the coming weeks. By the time the 8 week scientific replication process is over, the public will  have no doubt lost interest and moved on to the next inflammatory finding, so, let’s all just take the science on faith and call it a day, we’ve earned it.

--Ashton Macaulay, Behavioral Data Analyst, Recent Psychology Graduate, Mr. Newell Please Hire me

"The Big One" or "The Big Hoax?"

JULY 14, 2015 USGS [POPULAR KIDS]

He may look cute, but he wants to bury you, and your
heathen belief system.

If you’ve been on the internet this week, you’ve no doubt noticed that it has become impossible to browse cat videos without stumbling across the New Yorker article about “The Big One”. If you are unfamiliar, “The Big One” refers to a massive earthquake that will wipe out the entire west coast, similar to the documentary San Andreas. Earthquakes might seem like a real threat, but in truth, they are masking a danger that the scientific community has turned a blind eye to for centuries. I’m talking of course about the mole people branch of Al Qaeda.

Recent information from our highly trained geology majors has uncovered that a series of tremors in the Seattle area might not be the result of tectonic shifting. “If you look at the maps, it just doesn’t add up. Tectonic shifts should cause the plates to move in a horizontal-like fashion, but what we’re seeing is something far more dangerous. In short, there is no explanation other than Terrorist Mole Men.”

These Terrorist Mole Men (TMM for short), were originally part of Al Qaeda, but were thrown out because they were too extreme in their methods. They even briefly joined ISIS, but were kicked out after the Chile sinkhole incident. Ever since they have been digging tunnels beneath the West Coast in the hopes of eliminating the Seahawks (a moles natural predator). It may all seem a little far-fetched, but the science is there if you’re willing to look. If you examine that New Yorker article again, it has TMM written all over it…

--Ashton Macaulay, Conspiracy Theorist, Lover of Bill Murray, Killer of Gophers/Moles

Weatherman Loses His Shit

JULY 13, 2015 FUTURE SITE OF NORTH POLE, FLORIDA

This swirling vortex of death brought to you by Liberalism!

If you’ve been reading the headlines in the side of your Facebook feed (probably our most accurate news source) lately, then you may have noticed the abnormal amount of doomsday weather predictions. In the past two weeks, scientists have predicted mass extinction, mini-ice age, and a series of killer storms that will hydrate Californians to unprecedented levels (http://tinyurl.com/nm6kutv Mini Ice Age Link). With all of this unprecedented news, it’s no surprise that weathermen/women have begun to lose their shit.

Typically, meteorologists go on the air for about five minutes, speculate wildly about super-storms, and then go get drunk at the local bar. Unfortunately, recent scientific predictions about doomsday have put meteorologists under a lot of pressure to make more accurate guesses regarding extreme weather. FOX  news meteorologist Rick Reichmuth went on the air last night to announce that a storm of fireballs would wipe out the heathen state of Washington for their liberal sins, and was quoted as saying “It’s a long shot, but f*** it, we’re all dead anyway.”

The Pattison Chronicle does not put much stock in Reichmuth’s claims, but we will be selling lead-lined umbrellas at our Seattle branch starting July 25. Remember, it’s always better to be safe than sorry.

--Ashton Macaulay, Wearer of Tinfoil Hats, Amateur Meteorologist, Future Igloo Owner

Parents Horrified as Highly Qualified Liberal Arts Major Can’t Get a Job

July 6^th, 2015 YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT

A suburban mother was terrified this morning as the news of her son’s unemployment came in the form of a text message asking for “a place to crash, just until I get my feet under me.” Chad Williams, 23 years old, had just graduated from Evergreen College with a major in History through Interpretive Dance, when he found himself on the unemployment line.

“I just don’t understand it. He had passing grades throughout college, and now he can’t even find a job teaching inner-city youths about The Civil War through dance. I think it’s the economy.” With business and high tech on the rise in the Seattle area, it’s no surprise that students who majored in anything involving interpretive dance, psychology, and other studies (mainly anything that isn’t computer science, business, or math) have found a stark job market.

Ah, university, a place for postponing the slap in the face that is our current job market. 

In these trying times of unemployment, The Pattison Chronicle has dedicated time to make a flowchart to help youths in deciding on where to apply in the current job market.

Please share with your loved ones, so that we may stop unemployment, one non-science major at a time.

--Ashton Macaulay, Master’s in Experimental Psychology, Please Hire Me, I have a CV

World Set to Enter 7th Mass Extinction

June 26^th, 2015 PANIC TOWN, USA

Scary picture of the sun to remind you that you are never safe! That means you Bill!

Over the past week there have been many articles touting the idea that the world is heading into its sixth mass extinction (http://www.popsci.com/were-entering-sixth-mass-extinction-and-its-our-fault). These so-called ‘scientists’ may be correct that we have entered the sixth extinction period, but the seventh might be about to beat it to the punch. If Instagram user Mac_Ashton is to be believed, he will be the source of earth’s destruction. Not global warming, not terrorism, not herds of anti-abortion rabbits toting legally exposed high-powered firearms (I’m pretty worried about that one), but instead a madman with a foot of unimaginable size.

Maybe if we follow, subscribe, and comment he'll let it go.
https://instagram.com/mac_ashton/

As seen above, the user has provided photographic evidence that he indeed has his foot on the sun, and is willing to step on it if his demands are not met. When our senior hostage negotiation intern reached out for said list of demands, we received nothing but maniacal laughter and the intern’s pinky in return. A reputable scientist (who shan’t be named because he’s so damned reputable), has already authenticated the photo and confirmed, “We’re all pretty screwed.”

After examining all the facts, two things are clear: The seventh mass extinction is on its way, and we’re never getting Jimmy back. Rest in peace little guy, now go get The Big Guy a cappuccino and keep your mouth shut.

To Elroy's Parents, He still owed us like five bucks, so if you could please...

--Ashton Macaulay, Alarmist, User Mac_Ashton, Destroyer of Worlds?

Be sure to like our Facebook page, follow us on twitter, and shout our name from the rooftops, because we have egos that demand inflating. 

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Has the Northwest’s Politeness Gone Too Far?

June 19th, 2015 SEATTLE WA?

Hey, I actually took this one! Shout out to Columbia Center.

The Northwest is a polite place. Sure, that’s why we all like it so much, but when does it go too far? Recently headlines have been covering the mind-bending shit-storm that is trying to merge in Seattle, but evidence of a much larger story has just become known. A Pattison Chronicle intern (who shall remain nameless so we can’t have their paystubs audited) unearthed a series of documents that call into question the very nature of Seattle’s existence. Specifically, Seattle isn’t an American city, it’s Canadian.

Well that was quick.

It all started in the winter of 1869 when Seattle was first officially incorporated (that’s a fact, we can use Wikipedia). Unfortunately, when the US survey man came through to congratulate the city on being officially recognized, no one stopped to correct him. Instead, citizens hung their heads awkwardly, and tried not to embarrass him any further. As a result, the US took a page out of Vladmir Putin’s book and annexed Canada.

Join the ranks of Chad Croeger and the Beliebers Kurt... I'm so sorry.

Not all is despair Seattle, at least now you have that indie edge that you’ve always wanted. Oh, and rest assured the US will be sanctioning imports, and the new border crossing on both edges of the city will help maintain that majestic traffic we have all come to know and love.

--Ashton Macaulay, Watcher on the Wall (Canadian Border) & Rememberer of the North

Seattle Turns to Piracy

June 16, 2015 SEATTLE WA

Stock image of Seattle to attract viewers...

A disturbing trend has taken hold in Seattle’s marine areas, as thousands of unemployed college graduates have forsaken the city’s high-rent hovels for the high seas. In the wake of the Amazon bubble (That’s right Bezos, it’s a goddamned bubble, just you wait), piracy has once again become a legitimate profession. With rent for a 10 square foot apartment being somewhere in the $1590/Month range, commandeering sailboats and plundering the Puget Sound has become an increasingly attractive option. We’ve included a five-step guide to figure out if your loved one might be making the jump to piracy.

1. Beard Activity

2. Presence of Weaponry

3. Sudden Boat Ownership

4. Why is the rum gone?

5. Monkeys

If your loved one fits any of these profiles, it’s time to consider giving the anti-piracy talk. We will soon be releasing a parenting guide to raising your child piracy free. It will be available for digital download, so that we can make some fucking money and return that boat we didn’t steal, and feed the monkey, and polish the swords, and buy more rum, and beard lube. Get off my back mom!

Government to Allow Vegas to Collect Organs

May 19, 2015 LAS VEGAS, NV

Las Vegas, the city of corrupt executives, legal prostitution, and graveyard for music careers. Oh wait, and gambling, yes lots of gambling. Some casinos on the North Strip make over 72 million dollars a year in table-gaming revenue (that’s your fun fact for the day, brought to you by Wheaties and Wikipedia). However, the powers at be (old white men who enjoy living in towers made of endangered elephant tusk [ivory]) are unsatisfied with this gaming revenue, saying “at least a third of the debts owed to the casinos go unpaid.” Under usual circumstances, this business is left to shady men in nice suits with large guns, but the gaming commission has just proposed a new set of laws to recoup their losses.

Thanks for Imagine Dragons, take the rest back....

Beginning in 2016 The Strip wants to begin accepting human organs to mitigate outstanding debts owed to the casinos. A casino owner had the following to say: “Illegal organ trafficking generates between 600 million and 1.2 billion dollars a year worldwide.” The large range is due to some years where bear attacks are more frequent, leaving less usable organs for the traffickers. “By making the industry legal we hope to recoup our losses, and sustain the quickly dying casino industry.” By quickly dying, he meant rapidly expanding. The gaming commission plans to use the profits to book David Copperfield to perform in every major hotel simultaneously (through The Prestige style cloning or some other expensive bullshit).

What do you think about the new direction Las Vegas is taking? Sound off in the comments, or remain resolutely silent with passive aggressive Facebook likes. That’s fine too… still helps the ego.