Has the Northwest’s Politeness Gone Too Far?

June 19th, 2015 SEATTLE WA?

Hey, I actually took this one! Shout out to Columbia Center.

The Northwest is a polite place. Sure, that’s why we all like it so much, but when does it go too far? Recently headlines have been covering the mind-bending shit-storm that is trying to merge in Seattle, but evidence of a much larger story has just become known. A Pattison Chronicle intern (who shall remain nameless so we can’t have their paystubs audited) unearthed a series of documents that call into question the very nature of Seattle’s existence. Specifically, Seattle isn’t an American city, it’s Canadian.

Well that was quick.

It all started in the winter of 1869 when Seattle was first officially incorporated (that’s a fact, we can use Wikipedia). Unfortunately, when the US survey man came through to congratulate the city on being officially recognized, no one stopped to correct him. Instead, citizens hung their heads awkwardly, and tried not to embarrass him any further. As a result, the US took a page out of Vladmir Putin’s book and annexed Canada.

Join the ranks of Chad Croeger and the Beliebers Kurt... I'm so sorry.

Not all is despair Seattle, at least now you have that indie edge that you’ve always wanted. Oh, and rest assured the US will be sanctioning imports, and the new border crossing on both edges of the city will help maintain that majestic traffic we have all come to know and love.

--Ashton Macaulay, Watcher on the Wall (Canadian Border) & Rememberer of the North

KFC to Test New Chicken Flavored Soft Drink

January 26th, 2015 KENTUCKY

Home of the Chicken Fried Chicken in Chicken

It may have been a slow start to the week in news, but KFC promises to make it even slower (by sending us all into a fried chicken induced stupor). For those unfamiliar, KFC is the fast-food chain best known for promoting obesity through replacing conventional sandwich buns with fried chicken. They have been the target of many lawsuits over the years, but have recently been trying to turn their image around through the promotion of more “healthy” products. With the introduction of the new Double Down hotdog (currently in testing, see this link: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/the-world-is-a-vampire#.ah8ZG6g05) which is both high in protein and protein, KFC appears to be making good on that promise.

That was until this morning. In addition to the new double down hotdog monstrosity, KFC will also be piloting a “Liquid-Chicken Delivery System” or to the layman a “Chicken-based soft drink”. Colonel Sanders was unable to comment (as he’s a fantasy character and likely long dead from cardiac arrest), but I think it is safe to assume that this new drink will still offer the secret herbs and spices (possibly crack cocaine?) that we’ve all come to love so much. We were able to reach a KFC marketing spokesperson who has requested to remain unnamed as “The Pattison Chronicle is not a real news source.”

When asked about the soft-drink he had the following to say “It’s a good way to reach a market that would otherwise be unable to eat our chicken. Traditional drumsticks are just too crunchy for some our elderly and infantile customers, and here at KFC we’re not in the business of discrimination!” That is unless of course you look at their hiring practices. “We want everyone to be able to enjoy our chicken and the new ChiCola line will bring that home cooking to the masses.”

I'm sure somewhere a PETA representative is offended...

The Chicola drink is currently being piloted in Saskatchewan (A land of igloos and lax FDA regulations) and is set to release to the public sometime this summer.  So you might as well burn those calories now, because in a few months we’re all going to be drinking chicken through a straw…

-- Stephen Shilling, Poultry Enthusiast, Deep Frier Operator, & Underpaid Fast Food Employee

Decision Reached for The Patriots

January 22, 2015  NFL IVORY TOWER, MORDOR

Roger Goodell, High Priest of the NFL

More shocking news out of the NFL today as in the tidal wave of recent scandals Roger Goodel has elected to actually take a stance on an issue. Rather than filibustering until the Super Bowl is long over, the NFL commissioner has come to a ruling regarding the unspeakable acts of The Patriots in last Sunday’s game. While some fans would like to see The Patriots stripped of their Super Bowl spot, I find the NFL’s solution to be subtle, and elegant. If The Patriots wish to keep their spot they will undergo a mandated  name change.

“What’s in a name?” you ask? Well the NFL hasn’t given them much of a choice in the matter. The Patriots will have to change their name to The Red Coats, and will all be forced to apply for dual citizenship with Canada (England was far too glamorous)! They will practice in the hellish wasteland of Manitoba (presumably against the ill-tempered moose population), and will only be allowed to enter the United States on game days. They will play all of their games on the road, as the NFL does not want to punish the entire league.

New Location of Red Coat Corner (Stadium/Moose Barn)

When asked to comment Tom Brady said the following: “I guess we’ll just have to do it eh? We’re real soory America, see you at the Super Bowl.” With a team this demoralized it seems that the championship game will be little more than a training exercise for the legion of boom. We here at

The Pattison Chronicle will be tuning in either way, because SCREW THE PATRIOTS GO HAWKS, KERBLAH!

What do you think of the NFL’s decision? Chime in at the comments section below, or send me passive-aggressive twitter messages to @MacAshton351.

--Ashton Macaulay, Reporter, Sworn Enemy of Canada, Lover of America

Are orca whales being oppressed by Canadians? Our sources say yes.

December 2, 2014 BELLINGHAM, WA

A lone orca towing a 10 ton BC ferry

There’s a silent revolution gaining strength in the north, and it’s not Quebec trying to secede again. Today’s story comes from an underrepresented, underprivileged, and overworked population; the tow orca. Some might say that we did away with the deplorable ferry towing industry years ago with the Free Willy Rights Act of 1993, but many British Columbian ferries are still resting on the backs of the beautiful porpoisine population.

Field reporter Mac Turbine went undercover as a ferry captain to expose this ring.

MAC TURBINE – BRITISH COLUMBIA

When I first stepped aboard the ferry to Victoria, BC I was surprised to find images of orcas everywhere. While most respectable water transport services have since done away with such offensive iconography, it appeared as though this backwater ferry company was still clinging to its cultural roots. What’s worse, the second the ferry left the dock I could tell that we were in real trouble. The engines roared to life, but the turbines spit no water from behind the boat. In a moment that I can only describe as horrifying, the true predicament came clear. This BC ferry company was still employing the cost-cutting strategy of orca towing.

Immediately I ran to the front of the boat and was confronted with the shocking truth. Just off the bow of the boat I caught a glimpse of a majestic orca whale, struggling for air. When confronted Captain Jean merely laughed. “We have been using tow orcas for generations. It is a green solution to the current fuel crisis, and one that we will continue to use.”  Not only were they not denying it, they were proud of their business practices.

An undercover tow-orca training ring at the now closed Marine Land BC

While many would argue for the green aspect of using tow orcas rather than traditional fossil fuels (Macaulay, 2003), but the reality is that a population is being enslaved, and for a few hundred years that’s not what our country’s been about. I would urge all of our readers to write in to the WDSDOT ferry center and urge a boycott of all water transportation to and from Canada until this atrocity has been remedied.

We here at the Pattison Chronicle will continue to follow this scandal as it develops.

--Real News for Real Persons