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| Hey, I actually took this one! Shout out to Columbia Center. |
The Northwest is a polite place. Sure, that’s why we all
like it so much, but when does it go too far? Recently headlines have been
covering the mind-bending shit-storm that is trying to merge in Seattle, but
evidence of a much larger story has just become known. A Pattison Chronicle
intern (who shall remain nameless so we can’t have their paystubs audited) unearthed
a series of documents that call into question the very nature of Seattle’s
existence. Specifically, Seattle isn’t an American city, it’s Canadian.
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| Well that was quick. |
It all started in the winter of 1869 when Seattle was first
officially incorporated (that’s a fact, we can use Wikipedia). Unfortunately,
when the US survey man came through to congratulate the city on being
officially recognized, no one stopped to correct him. Instead, citizens hung
their heads awkwardly, and tried not to embarrass him any further. As a result,
the US took a page out of Vladmir Putin’s book and annexed Canada.
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| Join the ranks of Chad Croeger and the Beliebers Kurt... I'm so sorry. |
Not all is despair Seattle, at least now you have that indie
edge that you’ve always wanted. Oh, and rest assured the US will be sanctioning
imports, and the new border crossing on both edges of the city will help
maintain that majestic traffic we have all come to know and love.
--Ashton Macaulay, Watcher on the Wall (Canadian Border)
& Rememberer of the North
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