Has the Northwest’s Politeness Gone Too Far?

June 19th, 2015 SEATTLE WA?

Hey, I actually took this one! Shout out to Columbia Center.

The Northwest is a polite place. Sure, that’s why we all like it so much, but when does it go too far? Recently headlines have been covering the mind-bending shit-storm that is trying to merge in Seattle, but evidence of a much larger story has just become known. A Pattison Chronicle intern (who shall remain nameless so we can’t have their paystubs audited) unearthed a series of documents that call into question the very nature of Seattle’s existence. Specifically, Seattle isn’t an American city, it’s Canadian.

Well that was quick.

It all started in the winter of 1869 when Seattle was first officially incorporated (that’s a fact, we can use Wikipedia). Unfortunately, when the US survey man came through to congratulate the city on being officially recognized, no one stopped to correct him. Instead, citizens hung their heads awkwardly, and tried not to embarrass him any further. As a result, the US took a page out of Vladmir Putin’s book and annexed Canada.

Join the ranks of Chad Croeger and the Beliebers Kurt... I'm so sorry.

Not all is despair Seattle, at least now you have that indie edge that you’ve always wanted. Oh, and rest assured the US will be sanctioning imports, and the new border crossing on both edges of the city will help maintain that majestic traffic we have all come to know and love.

--Ashton Macaulay, Watcher on the Wall (Canadian Border) & Rememberer of the North

Orca Prostitution in Downtown Seatte

Welcome to the second article for The Pattison Chronicle’s Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation Excellence (or WHORE for short, we fired that intern, but the logo was made). In this segment we will focus on an interview that was conducted in the field with a frequent “tap orca” user. The content of this interview is graphic and may be unsuitable for some of our younger readers (we have readers right?).

For those who just can't wait... PERVERTS!

DOWNTOWN SEATTLE, WA

In downtown Seattle, there are over a hundred “tap orca” stations in circulation, and the city is doing nothing about it. The police turn a blind eye to this sordid industry, and most of the public is blissfully unaware of its presence. An intern at the chronicle managed to land an interview with a frequent “tap orca” user, through superior ambush journalism techniques. The citizen declined to have her photo shown, but did consent to be interviewed. As such, we will refer to her as Jane Gottleib of 1045 45^th street, Seattle, WA (Please someone go find this woman!).

“I find that they provide better companionship than humans. Despite their stature, they really are gentle lovers.” The gentle nature she is referring to is of course achieved through repeated injections of mind-numbing drugs by the Seattle Transit Authority. When confronted with the this fact Jane had the following to say: “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If they can tow ferries I don’t see why they can’t work in this industry.”

"I just swipe my card and head over to the waterfront. It's painess..."

It is these kinds of attributions that have kept the orcas in servitude for decades. Help us end orca oppression today, by following The Pattison Chronicle*, and writing to your local transit authority to stop the use of Orca cards. Together we can end this injustice and start a new day for orcas everywhere.

This is a breach for help! 

--Ashton Macaulay, Whale Trainer, Senior Seaworld Trainer, Ferry Captain

*The Pattison Chronicle is a subsidiary of Seaworld International

Man Can’t Marry Dog Under New Gay Marriage Laws

April 21, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH

Alabama recently became one of the many states to embrace (not really, but let us throw them a bone (that pun gets funnier in a minute)) gay marriage as a legal institution. Most of the state is still rioting about the injustice of it all, but one man is upset for a different reason. Clement Harold feels like he was blatantly misled by anti-gay marriage campaigns put forth by the Alabama sect of The Disciples of Christ (that’s a real organization).

“I was told that if gay marriage was passed a man would be able to marry his dog soon after. Well its two months later and me and Precious can’t even have a civil union! The injustice of it all makes me sick. She’s already 7 and doesn’t have too many good years left. I don’t know how much longer we can wait.” Clement is suing the Disciples of Christ for 7 million dollars in emotional damages, which he hopes to use to fund Precious’s dream wedding.

Precious was asked to comment and had the following to say: *woof, woof, WOOF, empty stare, vacantly licking lips, shitting on the grass* It’s very clear that the Pomeranian has no intention of leaving her beloved just to follow archaic laws put forth by a dystopian shadow government. The Pattison Chronicle will be holding a protest this following never, at it’s never happening o’clock in the evening. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Dog Linguist, Burier of Treasure, Sniffer of Garbage