Man Sues Obama Over Heatwave

June 28th, 2015 SURFACE OF THE SUN?

If you live anywhere in this godforsaken hellhole of a country, then you’ve probably been experiencing the death blasts emanating from the sun in the recent weeks. These ‘heat waves’ have killed, injured, and boosted the commission of AC salespeople tenfold. However, it’s not all good news (wait, was any of that?)

I know this looks like a heat map, but actually we have no idea what it is. Could be beaver attack frequency.

Bill Sharpton of Seattle Washington has recently filed suit against President Obama for causing the heatwave. “This is God’s vengeance. If God had wanted us to have free healthcare he would have given priests superpowers.” This suit comes on the heels of the Supreme Court upholding Obamacare, a healthcare system that our interns didn’t have the time to understand or Google.

Bill’s case hinges on the fact that the heatwave led to his unemployment. He cites the fact that his motivation to put on clothes and go to work was simply lost after the temperatures rose above ninety degrees. If you’d like to take part in making this a class action lawsuit, follow the link below.

Super Scientific Formulas, and a cat, because look at her

--Ashton Macaulay, Legal Correspondent, Hater of the Heat, Sun Abolitionist. 

School Sued Over Religious Biology Program

June 4, 2015

SEATTLE, WA, LIBERAL SAFEHAVEN

Non-threatening High-school photo to lure in unsuspecting viewers...

A school in Seattle Washington is in hot water today after a teacher has been accused of incorporating religious ideals into a biology class. The discovery came after first grader Jaden Miller (fake name, because he’s a child, you animals), came home with a ‘science project’ assigned to him by the school. The teacher asked Jaden to care for and study a praying mantis for a week, and write up a report to share with the class. Understandably his mother was outraged, and immediately found a way to sue the school system which just has too much money to begin with (all those bribes from the church keeping the cats fat).

Pope Mantis III, 2020, 5 years after mantis uprising

“I was just shocked that they would do this. Keep it in church, you insectoid bastards!” It is worth noting that ‘insectoid’ is not the proper term for referring to a praying mantis, or any insect for that matter, but Mrs. Miller dropped biology in high school claiming secular exemption.

Jesus of Mantisereth, 2050, 20 years after The Great Mantis Nuclear War

The school responded quickly by creating a rigorous training program for faculty and all insects on campus to ensure separation of church from the learning environment. All mantises now have their hands bound in a ‘high five’ gesture which has no religious affiliation and is less austere when compared to their traditional pose of prayer.

A mantis blends in, 5 years before mantis uprising.

More on this as it develops.

--Ashton Macaulay, Mantis in Human Clothing, No I’m not, Sure You Aren’t Flesh-Bag

Man Can’t Marry Dog Under New Gay Marriage Laws

April 21, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH

Alabama recently became one of the many states to embrace (not really, but let us throw them a bone (that pun gets funnier in a minute)) gay marriage as a legal institution. Most of the state is still rioting about the injustice of it all, but one man is upset for a different reason. Clement Harold feels like he was blatantly misled by anti-gay marriage campaigns put forth by the Alabama sect of The Disciples of Christ (that’s a real organization).

“I was told that if gay marriage was passed a man would be able to marry his dog soon after. Well its two months later and me and Precious can’t even have a civil union! The injustice of it all makes me sick. She’s already 7 and doesn’t have too many good years left. I don’t know how much longer we can wait.” Clement is suing the Disciples of Christ for 7 million dollars in emotional damages, which he hopes to use to fund Precious’s dream wedding.

Precious was asked to comment and had the following to say: *woof, woof, WOOF, empty stare, vacantly licking lips, shitting on the grass* It’s very clear that the Pomeranian has no intention of leaving her beloved just to follow archaic laws put forth by a dystopian shadow government. The Pattison Chronicle will be holding a protest this following never, at it’s never happening o’clock in the evening. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Dog Linguist, Burier of Treasure, Sniffer of Garbage

Man Sues Nike for Murder

April 18, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST

I'll give a prize to whichever reader can correctly identify this building. 

Today Nike is in the midst of a lawsuit after a felon charged with 1^st degree murder has claimed the company’s footwear is responsible for his crime. In court this morning the defendant had the following to say: “I was just going to go for a run, but then the tag on my shoe said ‘just do it’, and so I did. I just did it, and someone needs to pay!” The defendant is accused of murdering a man in cold blood after he took the last meatball sub at a company picnic where the only other options were ham and turkey (we might have murdered for that too).

Nike released the following statement: “As of today we will be changing our slogan to: Just do it.*” The asterisk will refer to a long list of illegal deeds that should not ‘just be done’. The defendant is expected to be acquitted of all charges, as that’s just the kind of country we live in. We’ll have more on this as it develops.  

--Ashton Macaulay, Avian Criminal Investigator

, Attorney for Bird Law, & Vigilante?

Man Sues Ireland for Kidney Failure

MARCH 18TH, SOMEWHERE IN IRELAND

For many the festivities of Saint Patrick ’s Day are still hanging on like a wretched hammer ghost pinballing inside of their aching cavity that once contained a brain, but not all are so pleased. Last night a man who has chosen to remain nameless (likely because he’s not real, but just go with it), suffered nearly fatal kidney failure as a result of binge drinking. Now rather than blaming the incident on self-pity or alcoholism, the man has taken the American way and began the process of suing a foreign country.

That rock better have a damned good lawyer.

“I just think that Ireland should pay for the damages it has caused. It’s irresponsible championing a holiday that condones drinking in such a fashion.” Mr. Smith (for anonymity) went on to say that under normal circumstances his drinking would not have been so severe, and promptly cracked a beer on the side of his hospital bed to “cure the damage the Irish people did to my brain”. Despite his doctor’s warnings about excessive consumption on the other 364 days of the year, Mr. Smith claims that the blame should lie entirely upon the people of Ireland.

When asked for comment the country of Ireland remained surprisingly silent on the matter, giving nothing but rain and wind in form of a response. As has been our usual we are taking their silence as an admission of guilt. To get to the bottom of this The Pattison Chronicle is issuing an ultimatum. If a representative of the Irish national government does not give us an interview within thirty days we will have no choice but to pour out a bottle of Guinness. Don’t make us do this Ireland. It doesn't have to end this way…

--Ashton Macaulay, Pourer of Guinness, Keeper of Threats, Payer of Debts