Man Sues Nike for Murder

April 18, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST

I'll give a prize to whichever reader can correctly identify this building. 

Today Nike is in the midst of a lawsuit after a felon charged with 1^st degree murder has claimed the company’s footwear is responsible for his crime. In court this morning the defendant had the following to say: “I was just going to go for a run, but then the tag on my shoe said ‘just do it’, and so I did. I just did it, and someone needs to pay!” The defendant is accused of murdering a man in cold blood after he took the last meatball sub at a company picnic where the only other options were ham and turkey (we might have murdered for that too).

Nike released the following statement: “As of today we will be changing our slogan to: Just do it.*” The asterisk will refer to a long list of illegal deeds that should not ‘just be done’. The defendant is expected to be acquitted of all charges, as that’s just the kind of country we live in. We’ll have more on this as it develops.  

--Ashton Macaulay, Avian Criminal Investigator

, Attorney for Bird Law, & Vigilante?

Bieber Roast Goes Horribly Wrong

March 16th, Comedy Central Studios

Many were excited to hear that hip-hop icon and self-proclaimed playboy Justin Bieber was to be roasted on Comedy Central last night, but even the most avid despisers of the Canadian misstep might be appalled at what actually transpired. The night began with clever jibes and witticisms, but appears to have ended in a spontaneous act of cannibalism and numerous human rights violations.

The following is a transcription of the original phone-call received by police at 10:15PM last night.  “Hello Officer?” the woman speaking is Gladys Merywhether, an old person who prides herself on speaking nonsense, and the loss of her driver’s license. “Yes, I smell bacon cooking in that comedy channel building, and I think it’s far too late for them to be consuming pork. I think there might be something wrong.” While the tip was quickly disregarded as frivolous, old person drivel, the police did follow-up when auto-tuned screams began to emanate from the studio in which the roast was being shot.

When they arrived they found the shirtless diva on a spit, turning slowly over hot coals. “It appeared that Kevin Hart was stuffing an apple in his mouth while Martha Stewart glazed him with a butter cream sauce. The whole murder was strangely appetizing, but of course we had to bring them all in. Murder is murder, even if it comes with a side dish.”

Feel free to add kale as a healthy afterthought.

We caught up with Martha Stewart as she prepared to make her trip to the courthouse for the second time “I’ve already done my nickel, go ahead and take me! I’m the baddest bitch in that house.” She faces charges of first degree murder and cannibal negligence. These charges have never been presented together and make an interesting case for both judge and jury.

Fortunately the pop-star was unable to be resuscitated as “most of his organs had already begun to carmelize.” For once it’s not all bad news at The Pattison Chronicle. Have a lovely Monday, and thank you for reading the most accurate news source south of FOX.

--Ashton Macaulay, Chief Editor, Chief Contributor, and Honorable Mention in The Pattison Chronicle Writing Competition (Damn you Stu!)