Bieber Roast Goes Horribly Wrong

March 16th, Comedy Central Studios

Many were excited to hear that hip-hop icon and self-proclaimed playboy Justin Bieber was to be roasted on Comedy Central last night, but even the most avid despisers of the Canadian misstep might be appalled at what actually transpired. The night began with clever jibes and witticisms, but appears to have ended in a spontaneous act of cannibalism and numerous human rights violations.

The following is a transcription of the original phone-call received by police at 10:15PM last night.  “Hello Officer?” the woman speaking is Gladys Merywhether, an old person who prides herself on speaking nonsense, and the loss of her driver’s license. “Yes, I smell bacon cooking in that comedy channel building, and I think it’s far too late for them to be consuming pork. I think there might be something wrong.” While the tip was quickly disregarded as frivolous, old person drivel, the police did follow-up when auto-tuned screams began to emanate from the studio in which the roast was being shot.

When they arrived they found the shirtless diva on a spit, turning slowly over hot coals. “It appeared that Kevin Hart was stuffing an apple in his mouth while Martha Stewart glazed him with a butter cream sauce. The whole murder was strangely appetizing, but of course we had to bring them all in. Murder is murder, even if it comes with a side dish.”

Feel free to add kale as a healthy afterthought.

We caught up with Martha Stewart as she prepared to make her trip to the courthouse for the second time “I’ve already done my nickel, go ahead and take me! I’m the baddest bitch in that house.” She faces charges of first degree murder and cannibal negligence. These charges have never been presented together and make an interesting case for both judge and jury.

Fortunately the pop-star was unable to be resuscitated as “most of his organs had already begun to carmelize.” For once it’s not all bad news at The Pattison Chronicle. Have a lovely Monday, and thank you for reading the most accurate news source south of FOX.

--Ashton Macaulay, Chief Editor, Chief Contributor, and Honorable Mention in The Pattison Chronicle Writing Competition (Damn you Stu!)

KFC to Test New Chicken Flavored Soft Drink

January 26th, 2015 KENTUCKY

Home of the Chicken Fried Chicken in Chicken

It may have been a slow start to the week in news, but KFC promises to make it even slower (by sending us all into a fried chicken induced stupor). For those unfamiliar, KFC is the fast-food chain best known for promoting obesity through replacing conventional sandwich buns with fried chicken. They have been the target of many lawsuits over the years, but have recently been trying to turn their image around through the promotion of more “healthy” products. With the introduction of the new Double Down hotdog (currently in testing, see this link: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/the-world-is-a-vampire#.ah8ZG6g05) which is both high in protein and protein, KFC appears to be making good on that promise.

That was until this morning. In addition to the new double down hotdog monstrosity, KFC will also be piloting a “Liquid-Chicken Delivery System” or to the layman a “Chicken-based soft drink”. Colonel Sanders was unable to comment (as he’s a fantasy character and likely long dead from cardiac arrest), but I think it is safe to assume that this new drink will still offer the secret herbs and spices (possibly crack cocaine?) that we’ve all come to love so much. We were able to reach a KFC marketing spokesperson who has requested to remain unnamed as “The Pattison Chronicle is not a real news source.”

When asked about the soft-drink he had the following to say “It’s a good way to reach a market that would otherwise be unable to eat our chicken. Traditional drumsticks are just too crunchy for some our elderly and infantile customers, and here at KFC we’re not in the business of discrimination!” That is unless of course you look at their hiring practices. “We want everyone to be able to enjoy our chicken and the new ChiCola line will bring that home cooking to the masses.”

I'm sure somewhere a PETA representative is offended...

The Chicola drink is currently being piloted in Saskatchewan (A land of igloos and lax FDA regulations) and is set to release to the public sometime this summer.  So you might as well burn those calories now, because in a few months we’re all going to be drinking chicken through a straw…

-- Stephen Shilling, Poultry Enthusiast, Deep Frier Operator, & Underpaid Fast Food Employee

Decision Reached for The Patriots

January 22, 2015  NFL IVORY TOWER, MORDOR

Roger Goodell, High Priest of the NFL

More shocking news out of the NFL today as in the tidal wave of recent scandals Roger Goodel has elected to actually take a stance on an issue. Rather than filibustering until the Super Bowl is long over, the NFL commissioner has come to a ruling regarding the unspeakable acts of The Patriots in last Sunday’s game. While some fans would like to see The Patriots stripped of their Super Bowl spot, I find the NFL’s solution to be subtle, and elegant. If The Patriots wish to keep their spot they will undergo a mandated  name change.

“What’s in a name?” you ask? Well the NFL hasn’t given them much of a choice in the matter. The Patriots will have to change their name to The Red Coats, and will all be forced to apply for dual citizenship with Canada (England was far too glamorous)! They will practice in the hellish wasteland of Manitoba (presumably against the ill-tempered moose population), and will only be allowed to enter the United States on game days. They will play all of their games on the road, as the NFL does not want to punish the entire league.

New Location of Red Coat Corner (Stadium/Moose Barn)

When asked to comment Tom Brady said the following: “I guess we’ll just have to do it eh? We’re real soory America, see you at the Super Bowl.” With a team this demoralized it seems that the championship game will be little more than a training exercise for the legion of boom. We here at

The Pattison Chronicle will be tuning in either way, because SCREW THE PATRIOTS GO HAWKS, KERBLAH!

What do you think of the NFL’s decision? Chime in at the comments section below, or send me passive-aggressive twitter messages to @MacAshton351.

--Ashton Macaulay, Reporter, Sworn Enemy of Canada, Lover of America

Ben & Jerry’s Announces Cookie Core, Subdued Riots in Colorado

January 13^th, 2015, BOULDER, CO

"Murderers of fitness since 1909"

Turtle-paced pandemonium broke out in Boulder today as Ben and Jerry’s announced their new ice cream flavors for 2015. The diabolical  frozen delight purveyors revealed that this year not only would they be creating unimaginable deliciousness, but they would be filling it with a sinful cookie core. As if this wasn’t enough, the cookie core itself is made of some satanic magma that can only be described as “cookie butter”. This devilish delight is ground up cookies, combined with lard, children’s tears, and a pinch of cinnamon.

Actual depiction of "Cookie Core"

Understandably the newly stoned denizens of Colorado took to the streets in despondent displays of civil disobedience when it was discovered that the flavors had not yet been released. One man described the scene as “forlorn chaos”, with “men and women slumped against the sides of buildings to rest as they were too tired to get up and protest anymore.” Boulder stores fear that if the protests continue any longer that they will run out of Doritos and Funions, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland of health foods and locally grown organic “bullshit”.

Stay strong Colorado, perhaps the next supply truck to your desolate, ice-ridden, snowy funland, will bring the new Ben and Jerry’s flavors. Until then, The Pattison Chronicle’s prayers are with you.

--Alex Whipnasty, High Priest of Funk and Martial Arts Novice

If you wish to view the creamy propaganda yourself you may follow the link below, but be warned, it looks god damned delicious…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCvXKvttBs8