5 Signs Your Congressman Might Be a Lizard Person

January 23, 2015 WASHINGTON DC

The 2016 election may not be drawing near, but plenty of politicians seem to think it is. With all of the campaign ads, baby kissing, and flamboyant displays of partisanship to come, we at The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be prudent to promote political education. Over the coming year we will post several hard-hitting (but fun) investigative reports and quizzes so that you, the American (Foreign readers be damned!) public can understand our cluster-FUN system of government.

Patent and Business Model Pending Motivation

For our first segment I present a brief guide that should help you determine whether or not your congressman/congresswoman is a lizard person…

1.      They have pale and wrinkly skin

You might be saying to yourself: “My congressperson is just old! They’re not a lizard!” To that I say: Welcome your new overlords, because you are far too trusting and woefully unprepared for the years of hard labor and servitude to come. Why must the naïve die young?!

2.      They seem hell bent on world domination

I don’t mean Kevin Spacey in House of Cards bent on world domination, think more along the lines of The Third Reich, but with more sunbathing (cold blooded Nazi-Lizards).

3.      They eat bugs…

If you catch your congressman eating a bag of crickets rather than an all American turkey club, you bet you’ve got yourself a lizard person. [EXCEPTION: If your congressperson is on Fear Factor]

You can print this for your office, in fact I highly recommend it.

4.      Their speeches are mostly a series of aggravated hisses followed by various aggressive gestures

Do you often feel threatened when watching your congressperson speak? Are they rushing at you with the uncoordinated gait of a komodo dragon? If you answered yes to either of these, I’m sorry to say it, but you might have a lizard person…

5.      Newt Gingrich

Enough said.

Please America, be vigilant, exercise your superior mental abilities, and plan for the inevitable takeover that’s coming. Know the difference, and spread the word! The more of them we stop getting into government, the more years of quiet solitude we can enjoy before we’re all put into cages for our reptilian overlords to gawk at us.

-- Ashton Macaulay, Junior Herpetologist, and Indiana Jones Fan Club Member

Decision Reached for The Patriots

January 22, 2015  NFL IVORY TOWER, MORDOR

Roger Goodell, High Priest of the NFL

More shocking news out of the NFL today as in the tidal wave of recent scandals Roger Goodel has elected to actually take a stance on an issue. Rather than filibustering until the Super Bowl is long over, the NFL commissioner has come to a ruling regarding the unspeakable acts of The Patriots in last Sunday’s game. While some fans would like to see The Patriots stripped of their Super Bowl spot, I find the NFL’s solution to be subtle, and elegant. If The Patriots wish to keep their spot they will undergo a mandated  name change.

“What’s in a name?” you ask? Well the NFL hasn’t given them much of a choice in the matter. The Patriots will have to change their name to The Red Coats, and will all be forced to apply for dual citizenship with Canada (England was far too glamorous)! They will practice in the hellish wasteland of Manitoba (presumably against the ill-tempered moose population), and will only be allowed to enter the United States on game days. They will play all of their games on the road, as the NFL does not want to punish the entire league.

New Location of Red Coat Corner (Stadium/Moose Barn)

When asked to comment Tom Brady said the following: “I guess we’ll just have to do it eh? We’re real soory America, see you at the Super Bowl.” With a team this demoralized it seems that the championship game will be little more than a training exercise for the legion of boom. We here at

The Pattison Chronicle will be tuning in either way, because SCREW THE PATRIOTS GO HAWKS, KERBLAH!

What do you think of the NFL’s decision? Chime in at the comments section below, or send me passive-aggressive twitter messages to @MacAshton351.

--Ashton Macaulay, Reporter, Sworn Enemy of Canada, Lover of America

Ben & Jerry’s Announces Cookie Core, Subdued Riots in Colorado

January 13^th, 2015, BOULDER, CO

"Murderers of fitness since 1909"

Turtle-paced pandemonium broke out in Boulder today as Ben and Jerry’s announced their new ice cream flavors for 2015. The diabolical  frozen delight purveyors revealed that this year not only would they be creating unimaginable deliciousness, but they would be filling it with a sinful cookie core. As if this wasn’t enough, the cookie core itself is made of some satanic magma that can only be described as “cookie butter”. This devilish delight is ground up cookies, combined with lard, children’s tears, and a pinch of cinnamon.

Actual depiction of "Cookie Core"

Understandably the newly stoned denizens of Colorado took to the streets in despondent displays of civil disobedience when it was discovered that the flavors had not yet been released. One man described the scene as “forlorn chaos”, with “men and women slumped against the sides of buildings to rest as they were too tired to get up and protest anymore.” Boulder stores fear that if the protests continue any longer that they will run out of Doritos and Funions, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland of health foods and locally grown organic “bullshit”.

Stay strong Colorado, perhaps the next supply truck to your desolate, ice-ridden, snowy funland, will bring the new Ben and Jerry’s flavors. Until then, The Pattison Chronicle’s prayers are with you.

--Alex Whipnasty, High Priest of Funk and Martial Arts Novice

If you wish to view the creamy propaganda yourself you may follow the link below, but be warned, it looks god damned delicious…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCvXKvttBs8