World Set to Enter 7th Mass Extinction

June 26^th, 2015 PANIC TOWN, USA

Scary picture of the sun to remind you that you are never safe! That means you Bill!

Over the past week there have been many articles touting the idea that the world is heading into its sixth mass extinction (http://www.popsci.com/were-entering-sixth-mass-extinction-and-its-our-fault). These so-called ‘scientists’ may be correct that we have entered the sixth extinction period, but the seventh might be about to beat it to the punch. If Instagram user Mac_Ashton is to be believed, he will be the source of earth’s destruction. Not global warming, not terrorism, not herds of anti-abortion rabbits toting legally exposed high-powered firearms (I’m pretty worried about that one), but instead a madman with a foot of unimaginable size.

Maybe if we follow, subscribe, and comment he'll let it go.
https://instagram.com/mac_ashton/

As seen above, the user has provided photographic evidence that he indeed has his foot on the sun, and is willing to step on it if his demands are not met. When our senior hostage negotiation intern reached out for said list of demands, we received nothing but maniacal laughter and the intern’s pinky in return. A reputable scientist (who shan’t be named because he’s so damned reputable), has already authenticated the photo and confirmed, “We’re all pretty screwed.”

After examining all the facts, two things are clear: The seventh mass extinction is on its way, and we’re never getting Jimmy back. Rest in peace little guy, now go get The Big Guy a cappuccino and keep your mouth shut.

To Elroy's Parents, He still owed us like five bucks, so if you could please...

--Ashton Macaulay, Alarmist, User Mac_Ashton, Destroyer of Worlds?

Be sure to like our Facebook page, follow us on twitter, and shout our name from the rooftops, because we have egos that demand inflating. 

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5 Signs Your Congressman Might Be a Lizard Person

January 23, 2015 WASHINGTON DC

The 2016 election may not be drawing near, but plenty of politicians seem to think it is. With all of the campaign ads, baby kissing, and flamboyant displays of partisanship to come, we at The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be prudent to promote political education. Over the coming year we will post several hard-hitting (but fun) investigative reports and quizzes so that you, the American (Foreign readers be damned!) public can understand our cluster-FUN system of government.

Patent and Business Model Pending Motivation

For our first segment I present a brief guide that should help you determine whether or not your congressman/congresswoman is a lizard person…

1.      They have pale and wrinkly skin

You might be saying to yourself: “My congressperson is just old! They’re not a lizard!” To that I say: Welcome your new overlords, because you are far too trusting and woefully unprepared for the years of hard labor and servitude to come. Why must the naïve die young?!

2.      They seem hell bent on world domination

I don’t mean Kevin Spacey in House of Cards bent on world domination, think more along the lines of The Third Reich, but with more sunbathing (cold blooded Nazi-Lizards).

3.      They eat bugs…

If you catch your congressman eating a bag of crickets rather than an all American turkey club, you bet you’ve got yourself a lizard person. [EXCEPTION: If your congressperson is on Fear Factor]

You can print this for your office, in fact I highly recommend it.

4.      Their speeches are mostly a series of aggravated hisses followed by various aggressive gestures

Do you often feel threatened when watching your congressperson speak? Are they rushing at you with the uncoordinated gait of a komodo dragon? If you answered yes to either of these, I’m sorry to say it, but you might have a lizard person…

5.      Newt Gingrich

Enough said.

Please America, be vigilant, exercise your superior mental abilities, and plan for the inevitable takeover that’s coming. Know the difference, and spread the word! The more of them we stop getting into government, the more years of quiet solitude we can enjoy before we’re all put into cages for our reptilian overlords to gawk at us.

-- Ashton Macaulay, Junior Herpetologist, and Indiana Jones Fan Club Member