Climate Change or Giant Lizard?

March 31, 2015 ANTARCTICA

Those poor poor Wampa Ice Beasts...

Today it was reported that Antarctica has experienced a record high temperature of 63 degrees Fahrenheit (that part is true, yikes). Many climate change scientists have begun to use this as the banner to unite the world in creating a force for change. Millions have already flocked to the cause with their hybrids, gluten-free lifestyles, and general pretentious demeanors, but not all are so convinced. For those who are unsatisfied by the thin veil of evidence (the rest of the veil melted) that climate scientists are providing, skeptics have a new theory that might blow the lid off of the whole global warming debate.

“Antarctica may be melting, but how much of that is due to human interaction? Recent seismic surveys have revealed great activity beneath the iceberg that may be causing this shift. Simply put: Is it the ozone thinning? Or is it Godzilla?” It was this quote that ended climate change skeptic Timothy Ball’s address at the University of Winnipeg this morning. According to his theory, seismic activity beneath the ice continent has awakened a large, water-dwelling killer lizard that had been dormant for millennia.

Don't let LA be 1940s Tokyo

“Focusing our efforts on changing the environment would be a tragic misstep. If we don’t start putting money into coastal military defense outposts we could all find ourselves burnt to cinders.” The lizard, professor Ball says, is over ten stories tall, can likely breathe radioactive fire, and is one-hundred-percent totally plausible, and most certainly not a diversion from the idiocy that he had spewed in recent years. “This is a totally real threat. Look over there!” Ball said, running away while The Pattison’s interview team had their back turned.

What do you think? Is climate change a hoax? Should we all be investing in lizard repellent? The Pattison Chronicle says yes, and the only way to properly repel giant lizards is with The Pattison Chronicle’s proven Giant Lizard Repellent Formula. Head over to our store and buy some today!

*Patent Pending*

--Ashton Macaulay, Poor Fake News Author, Snake Oil Salesman, Giant Lizard Denier

5 Signs Your Congressman Might Be a Lizard Person

January 23, 2015 WASHINGTON DC

The 2016 election may not be drawing near, but plenty of politicians seem to think it is. With all of the campaign ads, baby kissing, and flamboyant displays of partisanship to come, we at The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be prudent to promote political education. Over the coming year we will post several hard-hitting (but fun) investigative reports and quizzes so that you, the American (Foreign readers be damned!) public can understand our cluster-FUN system of government.

Patent and Business Model Pending Motivation

For our first segment I present a brief guide that should help you determine whether or not your congressman/congresswoman is a lizard person…

1.      They have pale and wrinkly skin

You might be saying to yourself: “My congressperson is just old! They’re not a lizard!” To that I say: Welcome your new overlords, because you are far too trusting and woefully unprepared for the years of hard labor and servitude to come. Why must the naïve die young?!

2.      They seem hell bent on world domination

I don’t mean Kevin Spacey in House of Cards bent on world domination, think more along the lines of The Third Reich, but with more sunbathing (cold blooded Nazi-Lizards).

3.      They eat bugs…

If you catch your congressman eating a bag of crickets rather than an all American turkey club, you bet you’ve got yourself a lizard person. [EXCEPTION: If your congressperson is on Fear Factor]

You can print this for your office, in fact I highly recommend it.

4.      Their speeches are mostly a series of aggravated hisses followed by various aggressive gestures

Do you often feel threatened when watching your congressperson speak? Are they rushing at you with the uncoordinated gait of a komodo dragon? If you answered yes to either of these, I’m sorry to say it, but you might have a lizard person…

5.      Newt Gingrich

Enough said.

Please America, be vigilant, exercise your superior mental abilities, and plan for the inevitable takeover that’s coming. Know the difference, and spread the word! The more of them we stop getting into government, the more years of quiet solitude we can enjoy before we’re all put into cages for our reptilian overlords to gawk at us.

-- Ashton Macaulay, Junior Herpetologist, and Indiana Jones Fan Club Member