Obama Moves Legislative Branch to Nearby Park

August 10^th, 2015 WASHINGTON D.C.

The world’s focus over the past few days has been on the beautiful train wreck that is the Republican Party (hey, we all have to take cheap shots sometimes). With all of the spectacle, it’s almost hard to imagine that there is anything else worthy of note going on in the realm of politics (voting rights, pentagon hacks, Syrian Death Star; two out of the three are true), but a new corruption scandal is brewing in the White House. President Obama is nearing the end of his term and has decided to throw caution to the wind and make some extreme changes to the political system.

The biggest of these shifts is a restructuring of the legislative system. Rather than wiping away the filibustering and long nights of arguments with paid dinners, The President has opted for a more elegant solution. Both The Senate and Congress will be relocated from The Capitol Building to a large sandbox in a neighboring park. When asked for comment President Obama said, “If they’re going to act like children, they’re going to get treated like children.” The change went into effect this morning, and already Senator Mitch McConnell is complaining that the other political figures are picking on him, and that his lunch has been buried in sand.

There’s no way to tell if this radical solution will work, but it certainly can’t hinder the broken system. The President has assured the public that both Senators and Congressmen alike will receive juice boxes for each bipartisan bill they manage to get passed to his desk. “They already tried to pass a bill to remove them from the sandbox, but that’s what vetoes are for,” Obama said, chuckling at his press conference this afternoon.

What do you think of the radical change? Is it enough to stop the stagnation in our system? Connect with us on social media and share your thoughts!

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Government to Allow Vegas to Collect Organs

May 19, 2015 LAS VEGAS, NV

Las Vegas, the city of corrupt executives, legal prostitution, and graveyard for music careers. Oh wait, and gambling, yes lots of gambling. Some casinos on the North Strip make over 72 million dollars a year in table-gaming revenue (that’s your fun fact for the day, brought to you by Wheaties and Wikipedia). However, the powers at be (old white men who enjoy living in towers made of endangered elephant tusk [ivory]) are unsatisfied with this gaming revenue, saying “at least a third of the debts owed to the casinos go unpaid.” Under usual circumstances, this business is left to shady men in nice suits with large guns, but the gaming commission has just proposed a new set of laws to recoup their losses.

Thanks for Imagine Dragons, take the rest back....

Beginning in 2016 The Strip wants to begin accepting human organs to mitigate outstanding debts owed to the casinos. A casino owner had the following to say: “Illegal organ trafficking generates between 600 million and 1.2 billion dollars a year worldwide.” The large range is due to some years where bear attacks are more frequent, leaving less usable organs for the traffickers. “By making the industry legal we hope to recoup our losses, and sustain the quickly dying casino industry.” By quickly dying, he meant rapidly expanding. The gaming commission plans to use the profits to book David Copperfield to perform in every major hotel simultaneously (through The Prestige style cloning or some other expensive bullshit).

What do you think about the new direction Las Vegas is taking? Sound off in the comments, or remain resolutely silent with passive aggressive Facebook likes. That’s fine too… still helps the ego.

Man Can’t Marry Dog Under New Gay Marriage Laws

April 21, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH

Alabama recently became one of the many states to embrace (not really, but let us throw them a bone (that pun gets funnier in a minute)) gay marriage as a legal institution. Most of the state is still rioting about the injustice of it all, but one man is upset for a different reason. Clement Harold feels like he was blatantly misled by anti-gay marriage campaigns put forth by the Alabama sect of The Disciples of Christ (that’s a real organization).

“I was told that if gay marriage was passed a man would be able to marry his dog soon after. Well its two months later and me and Precious can’t even have a civil union! The injustice of it all makes me sick. She’s already 7 and doesn’t have too many good years left. I don’t know how much longer we can wait.” Clement is suing the Disciples of Christ for 7 million dollars in emotional damages, which he hopes to use to fund Precious’s dream wedding.

Precious was asked to comment and had the following to say: *woof, woof, WOOF, empty stare, vacantly licking lips, shitting on the grass* It’s very clear that the Pomeranian has no intention of leaving her beloved just to follow archaic laws put forth by a dystopian shadow government. The Pattison Chronicle will be holding a protest this following never, at it’s never happening o’clock in the evening. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Dog Linguist, Burier of Treasure, Sniffer of Garbage

5 Signs Your Congressman Might Be a Lizard Person

January 23, 2015 WASHINGTON DC

The 2016 election may not be drawing near, but plenty of politicians seem to think it is. With all of the campaign ads, baby kissing, and flamboyant displays of partisanship to come, we at The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be prudent to promote political education. Over the coming year we will post several hard-hitting (but fun) investigative reports and quizzes so that you, the American (Foreign readers be damned!) public can understand our cluster-FUN system of government.

Patent and Business Model Pending Motivation

For our first segment I present a brief guide that should help you determine whether or not your congressman/congresswoman is a lizard person…

1.      They have pale and wrinkly skin

You might be saying to yourself: “My congressperson is just old! They’re not a lizard!” To that I say: Welcome your new overlords, because you are far too trusting and woefully unprepared for the years of hard labor and servitude to come. Why must the naïve die young?!

2.      They seem hell bent on world domination

I don’t mean Kevin Spacey in House of Cards bent on world domination, think more along the lines of The Third Reich, but with more sunbathing (cold blooded Nazi-Lizards).

3.      They eat bugs…

If you catch your congressman eating a bag of crickets rather than an all American turkey club, you bet you’ve got yourself a lizard person. [EXCEPTION: If your congressperson is on Fear Factor]

You can print this for your office, in fact I highly recommend it.

4.      Their speeches are mostly a series of aggravated hisses followed by various aggressive gestures

Do you often feel threatened when watching your congressperson speak? Are they rushing at you with the uncoordinated gait of a komodo dragon? If you answered yes to either of these, I’m sorry to say it, but you might have a lizard person…

5.      Newt Gingrich

Enough said.

Please America, be vigilant, exercise your superior mental abilities, and plan for the inevitable takeover that’s coming. Know the difference, and spread the word! The more of them we stop getting into government, the more years of quiet solitude we can enjoy before we’re all put into cages for our reptilian overlords to gawk at us.

-- Ashton Macaulay, Junior Herpetologist, and Indiana Jones Fan Club Member