Thursday, December 4, 2014

David Copperfield: Portrait of a Rabbit Molester

December 4th, 2014, LAS VEGAS, NV

A magician in the act... Disgusting
Tensions are high today in Las Vegas as a well-known magician is on trial in front of a grand jury for misuse of leporidae (Commonly known as ‘rabbits’ or ‘bunnies’, not to be confused with scantily clad women at the Hefner mansion) in his acts. The magician is well known mind-bender/antichrist David Copperfield.  The rabbits with the help of PETA (People for the Enigmatic Trickery Animals) have filed a lawsuit against the magician in hopes of receiving some sort of recompense for their years spent being molested by hats and magic wands. The rabbits are seeking 50,000 carrots (organic of course) as well as 5,000 bales of hay so that they may live out the rest of their life in scratchy comfort.

When asked for comment Mr. Copperfield said: “You’re not a real news agency, stop following me.” As well as: “How did you get into my house? I’m calling the police.” The magician, easily agitated was clearly stressed by the lawsuit and would not provide us with any information. However we were able to attain an interview with amateur street performer and part-time homeless person Reggie Steel.


“So how has the whole scandal affected your crowds?”

“You know it’s hard to get food these days. The government and Obama are really putting a squeeze on the old noodle, and the fucking rabbit priest David Copperfield makes me want to—“ The rest is mostly unintelligible screaming.

“So you’re saying that you saw Mr. Copperfield molesting the rabbits?”

“Absolutely, now I need about five bucks for a sandwich or I’m going to pull your teeth out.”



A rabbit, trying to cope. 
I think it goes without saying that Mr. Copperfield will have quite a bit to answer for in the coming weeks. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the many rabbits that were hurt by Mr. Copperfield’s indecency. More on this story as it develops. 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Are orca whales being oppressed by Canadians? Our sources say yes.

December 2, 2014 BELLINGHAM, WA

A lone orca towing a 10 ton BC ferry
There’s a silent revolution gaining strength in the north, and it’s not Quebec trying to secede again. Today’s story comes from an underrepresented, underprivileged, and overworked population; the tow orca. Some might say that we did away with the deplorable ferry towing industry years ago with the Free Willy Rights Act of 1993, but many British Columbian ferries are still resting on the backs of the beautiful porpoisine population.

Field reporter Mac Turbine went undercover as a ferry captain to expose this ring.


When I first stepped aboard the ferry to Victoria, BC I was surprised to find images of orcas everywhere. While most respectable water transport services have since done away with such offensive iconography, it appeared as though this backwater ferry company was still clinging to its cultural roots. What’s worse, the second the ferry left the dock I could tell that we were in real trouble. The engines roared to life, but the turbines spit no water from behind the boat. In a moment that I can only describe as horrifying, the true predicament came clear. This BC ferry company was still employing the cost-cutting strategy of orca towing.

Immediately I ran to the front of the boat and was confronted with the shocking truth. Just off the bow of the boat I caught a glimpse of a majestic orca whale, struggling for air. When confronted Captain Jean merely laughed. “We have been using tow orcas for generations. It is a green solution to the current fuel crisis, and one that we will continue to use.”  Not only were they not denying it, they were proud of their business practices.
An undercover tow-orca training ring at the now closed Marine Land BC
While many would argue for the green aspect of using tow orcas rather than traditional fossil fuels (Macaulay, 2003), but the reality is that a population is being enslaved, and for a few hundred years that’s not what our country’s been about. I would urge all of our readers to write in to the WDSDOT ferry center and urge a boycott of all water transportation to and from Canada until this atrocity has been remedied.

We here at the Pattison Chronicle will continue to follow this scandal as it develops.

--Real News for Real Persons

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Effects of Expertise on Dangerous Theme Park Construction

Effects of Expertise on Dangerous Theme Park Construction
Ashton Macaulay
The Pattison Chronicle

            A shot goes off in the dark, a worker’s eyes turn the beady white of a man about to confront his ultimate demise, and a velociraptor roar fills the night air. Workplace accidents are common, but have been growing as a result of shoddy practices employed in the construction of what some might consider to be overly ambitious and even dangerous theme park attractions (Crichton, 1990). Previous research has demonstrated that expertise does not always translate to accuracy (Singh, Meyer, & Thomas, 2014). Whether it be misdiagnoses in the medical population or misuse of mosquito-harvested dinosaur DNA, it is clear that expertise can often lead to mistakes, and unspeakable consequences for the general population. The present review aims to examine how the mistakes of experts may have affected the tragic outcome in the Spielberg (1993) case study.

Expertise In Computer Programming

            While most of us would agree that computer experts are necessary for building a complex network or program system, there is a dangerous side to hiring these individuals. A recent research study by Macaulay (2014) found that nearly 95% of all computer hackers were proficient in programming, and 99% claimed that they were experts in computers. With facts like this many questions are raised. Why are these dangerous individuals still employed in positions of power?

            The most salient example would be the case study of Dennis Nedry (Spielberg, 1993). Nedry was considered to be one of the top programmers in his field when he was employed at the Ingen facility formerly known as Jurassic Park. While he may have known a great deal about computers, his expertise might have ultimately led to the death of 4 individuals including himself. While it is unclear whether this murder-suicide was the result of his programming skills, the causation implied through this correlation is hard to ignore. However, it is improper to place all of the blame on one individual. Here at the Pattison Chronicle we like to spread the blame as evenly as possible, implicating as many individuals as possible, because that’s good science.

Raptor Expertise:The Life and Times of Robert Muldoon

            While Robert Muldoon’s actions did lead to the timely rescue of both Dr. Ellie Satler and Dr. Ian Malcom, it is unclear whether or not this was the result of his expertise, or sheer luck. I for one would describe expertise as the ability to keep one’s own face from being eaten by the very predator that one claims to be an expert on. In Muldoon’s (1985) self-titled biography regarding his time as a game-warden in Africa, he specifically states that running into the jungle after a group of predators in hopes of taking them out with a shotgun that would barely penetrate their skin would be considered asinine. As such it is surprising that Muldoon was killed in the exact same situation he advocated against.

            What happens when expertise declines? While it has been shown that motor reflexes decline with age (Glass, Maddox, & Love, 2013), expertise in fields that require these factors has not been studied in relationship with age. Was it possible that Muldoon was past his prime and should have thrown in the towel? Perhaps a mandatory retirement age for wardens at parks filled with easily-aggravated creatures with tendencies to eviscerate and disembowel should be instituted. Should the aging population of these experts be addressed in corporate policy? We leave you to decide.

John Hammond: Billionaire? Philanthropist? Murderer?

            John Hammond was the founder and chairman for the Jurassic Park initiative. He served on the board of construction for the park, as well as on the board of Ingen (the company responsible for harvesting the DNA). In Chrichton’s (1990) case study John Hammond was considered to be an expertise in entrepreneurial ventures, as defined by having over 10 hours per week spent on entrepreneurial ventures on average over the five years before the study was carried out. While the Chrichton (1990) study stated that John Hammond died with the park, this finding was later refuted by Spielberg (1993) in a rather controversial reversal of what had previously been considered as canon.

            The main point of their case study was to highlight the incompetence that resulted from John Hammond’s leadership. Aside from a business model that would have run the park into the ground within the first 3 months of opening, John Hammond also frequently violated the rights of his native workers (Spielberg, 1993). In one instance a worker was asked to stand on top of a raptor cage while it was very clearly not secured. While it is unclear from the study whether or not he was killed or just horribly disfigured, it nonetheless provides a human rights violation. A few more of these and Mr. Hammond would have had more lawsuits on his hands than even he could have paid off. 

            The real question here is: If John Hammond was such an expert, why would he go through with the building of an economically unsound death trap? With a business model that includes helicopter rides priced affordably to ensure access for everyone to the park, and ancient apex predators loosely contained on an island that looked suspiciously like Hawaii, John Hammond’s expertise clearly didn't help him much. When asked to comment he only said: “Spared no expense, I assure you.”

What Can We Do?

            While expertise in the fields of computers, predatory animals, and philanthropy has been shown to lead to death and destruction (Chrichton, 1990), that does not mean that all hope is lost. We as a population of consumers need to make sure to ask the right questions. When asked by a billionaire who just randomly shows up in a helicopter in the desert maybe we should stop and think: Wait, would it be a good idea for me to go to this man’s island just because he’s my boss, and to ignore all of the potential dangers that come with it? It’s time that we stop being lemmings and addresses the clear and present danger that is the idea of expertise. Question everything, trust no one, new world order, and remember, building an idea full of extinct predatory animals hastily is a terrible idea.


Chrichton, M. (1990). Jurassic Park. New York: Ballantine Books

Glass, B. D., Maddox, W. T., & Love, B. C. (2013). Real-time strategy game training: Emergene of a cognitive flexibility trait. PLoS One, 8(8), 1-7. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0070350

Ingen (2014). Yes our company practices led to a few deaths, but we’d do it again, and we will. Check out Jurassic World next summer kids. Ingen Publishing, 1993.

Macaulay, A. (2014). Computer expertise and the deaths of every American who ever lived, a clear and present danger. Speculative Research Magazine, 1(1), 1-555. doi: 8675309-JENNY

Muldoon, R. (1985). Game wardening in Africa: Is it really all that dangerous? Yes, you will f***ing die. Oxford Publishing Group, 1985.

Singh, H., Meyer, A. N. D., & Thomas, E. J. (2014).  The frequency of diagnostic errors in outpatient care: Estimations from three large observational studies involving US adult populations.  BMJ Quality & Safety, 23, 727-731.  doi: 10.1136/bmjqs-2013-002627

Spielberg, S. (1993). Jurassic Park (movie). Universal Pictures, 1993.