Interview With a Tow Orca

May 1, 2015 THE OCEAN, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL

For the final day of the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence, The Pattison Chronicle took to the streets (well, more like the ocean). Excerpts from the following may be disturbing to some of our readers who are averse to mind blowing, emotional, social commentary. You have been warned.

Our reporter Mac Turbine dawned a wetsuit and conducted the interview in the frigid waters of the Puget Sound, an area most Orca whales will not tread in. “It’s not surprising to see this happening. I mean when you have a community of people who are continually oppressed into menial work, eventually they will be subjugated.” he is referring to the tow orca industry [for reference: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2014/12/are-orca-whales-being-oppressed-by.html] “The ultrasonic wails coming from the ‘tap orca’ houses are not from pleasure, they are calls for help. No one wants to live this life, but what choice do we have?” When talking about the oppression it was unclear whether or not James (the orca wished to remain anonymous) was crying, or if he was moist from the ocean, but either way, we can assume some deep emotional pain.

In a final comment, James said “Fuck the Seattle Transit Authority; we’re not just animals for you to toy with and look down upon! Also, go to SeaWorld, that place is pretty great, and almost certainly doesn’t mistreat its animals. **”

As the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence ends, I want to remind you all that while the plight of the orca may pass from the limelight that does not mean it ceases to exist. We may have raised awareness by shedding light on this incident, but the real work has to be done by the people. Tell your friends, educate lawmakers, and stand up for orca abuse wherever you see it. I leave you with an inspirational quote from Pattison, the orca that inspired this fine paper: “It is not who I am, but what I do that defines me, now excuse me while I chase this tuna.”

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Subtlety, Bender of Minds, and Professional Humorist.

**The Pattison Chronicle is funded almost entirely by the SeaWorld Corporation of America. This most certainly does not (it does) influence what we choose to print (or which interviews we doctor).

Orca Prostitution in Downtown Seatte

Welcome to the second article for The Pattison Chronicle’s Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation Excellence (or WHORE for short, we fired that intern, but the logo was made). In this segment we will focus on an interview that was conducted in the field with a frequent “tap orca” user. The content of this interview is graphic and may be unsuitable for some of our younger readers (we have readers right?).

For those who just can't wait... PERVERTS!

DOWNTOWN SEATTLE, WA

In downtown Seattle, there are over a hundred “tap orca” stations in circulation, and the city is doing nothing about it. The police turn a blind eye to this sordid industry, and most of the public is blissfully unaware of its presence. An intern at the chronicle managed to land an interview with a frequent “tap orca” user, through superior ambush journalism techniques. The citizen declined to have her photo shown, but did consent to be interviewed. As such, we will refer to her as Jane Gottleib of 1045 45^th street, Seattle, WA (Please someone go find this woman!).

“I find that they provide better companionship than humans. Despite their stature, they really are gentle lovers.” The gentle nature she is referring to is of course achieved through repeated injections of mind-numbing drugs by the Seattle Transit Authority. When confronted with the this fact Jane had the following to say: “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If they can tow ferries I don’t see why they can’t work in this industry.”

"I just swipe my card and head over to the waterfront. It's painess..."

It is these kinds of attributions that have kept the orcas in servitude for decades. Help us end orca oppression today, by following The Pattison Chronicle*, and writing to your local transit authority to stop the use of Orca cards. Together we can end this injustice and start a new day for orcas everywhere.

This is a breach for help! 

--Ashton Macaulay, Whale Trainer, Senior Seaworld Trainer, Ferry Captain

*The Pattison Chronicle is a subsidiary of Seaworld International

SEATTLE RUNNING AN ORCA SEX-SLAVE RING

April 27, 2015, SEATTLE, WA [HOTBED OF SIN]

Many of you will recall the exposé The Pattison Chronicle ran a few months back detailing the atrocities perpetrated by the Vancouver BC ferry companies against orca whales. If you need a refresher, or just want to support the cause, you can re-read the article here: http://thepattisonchronicle.blogspot.com/2014/12/are-orca-whales-being-oppressed-by.html. While many of us thought that the orca slavery industry had fallen on hard times (probably as a direct result of our staff harassing ferry captains), a recent excursion into Seattle has proved otherwise.

Will the exploitation ever end?

It was a typical Saturday night, walking home, the Mariners had lost, and everything seemed normal, until I came across this sign:

Notice how the orca's dorsal fin is erect to indicate arousal. Sick bastards.

At first glance, it might appear to be only a transportation system whimsically themed after one of nature’s most powerful and awe-inspiring creatures, but in truth, it is something far more sinister. The sign reads “Tap Orca Here”. The Seattle Transit Authority will argue that tapping an “Orca Card” will merely result in payment for transportation. Unfortunately, this is not the case. The sign is a simple invitation to those who wish to find companionship in the form of an orca. “Tap Orcas” or simply Prostitorcas as they are commonly known, are majestic beasts that can be rented out for pennies using an “Orca Card” and used for nefarious sexual purposes.

Artwork indicating an orca brothel is nearby. Photo Credit: Citizen Journalist in Training, Shaun del Rosario

We reached out to the Seattle Transit Authority for a statement, but all we received was a form letter stating that our claims were both “frivolous” and “childish”. If our accusations are so childish, why hide? The evidence is piling up surrounding this shadow organization, and the ice is close to breaking. In the next month, The Pattison Chronicle will be releasing several articles detailing the injustices occurring in the name of public transportation in the heart of Seattle. So stay tuned, tell your friends, and for the love of God subscribe. Our egos cannot be maintained on hubris alone. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Protector of Porpoises, Vigilante Journalist

Dying Light Verdict

Dying Light, Final Day

They mostly come at night...

I am happy to report that I have already beaten the Dying Light campaign. However, I am sad to report that it was a poorly written train wreck that was entirely too short. If you’ll recall at the end of Day 2 I was going for a walk as the reefers were going to be asleep in their opium dens for the night. The evening had the perfect makings for a nice stroll, but the second the sun touched the horizon SHIT GOT REAL.

That machete is bloody from all of the educating I had to do...

I was not aware that the particular strain of Marijuana plaguing this small African nation was Midnight Flower. This ultra-rare strain of the cannabis plant was most notably recognized in the documentary Night of the Living Dead (Romero, 1968). It causes violent behavior in those who smoke it which manifests during the day, but in a more extreme fashion at night. When I stepped out for my evening stroll all hell broke loose.

First of all, it was dark, so dark that screenshots became but a bitter memory. I have included one shot of how dark it is, but I’ll be using my B-roll for the rest. I was only outside for five minutes when I was set upon by a junkie covered in boils and sores. He promptly ripped my face off and turned my body into a fine, red mist, after which I was given the following screen.

I can only assume that there is nothing past this rather lackluster, albeit surprise ending. So in the end, I have some judgments to make…

Dying Light Verdict:

THE VERDICT

As always, if you don't like our rating system you can go to hell.

--Stephen Shilling, Senior Video Game Correspondent, & Birdwatcher

Are orca whales being oppressed by Canadians? Our sources say yes.

December 2, 2014 BELLINGHAM, WA

A lone orca towing a 10 ton BC ferry

There’s a silent revolution gaining strength in the north, and it’s not Quebec trying to secede again. Today’s story comes from an underrepresented, underprivileged, and overworked population; the tow orca. Some might say that we did away with the deplorable ferry towing industry years ago with the Free Willy Rights Act of 1993, but many British Columbian ferries are still resting on the backs of the beautiful porpoisine population.

Field reporter Mac Turbine went undercover as a ferry captain to expose this ring.

MAC TURBINE – BRITISH COLUMBIA

When I first stepped aboard the ferry to Victoria, BC I was surprised to find images of orcas everywhere. While most respectable water transport services have since done away with such offensive iconography, it appeared as though this backwater ferry company was still clinging to its cultural roots. What’s worse, the second the ferry left the dock I could tell that we were in real trouble. The engines roared to life, but the turbines spit no water from behind the boat. In a moment that I can only describe as horrifying, the true predicament came clear. This BC ferry company was still employing the cost-cutting strategy of orca towing.

Immediately I ran to the front of the boat and was confronted with the shocking truth. Just off the bow of the boat I caught a glimpse of a majestic orca whale, struggling for air. When confronted Captain Jean merely laughed. “We have been using tow orcas for generations. It is a green solution to the current fuel crisis, and one that we will continue to use.”  Not only were they not denying it, they were proud of their business practices.

An undercover tow-orca training ring at the now closed Marine Land BC

While many would argue for the green aspect of using tow orcas rather than traditional fossil fuels (Macaulay, 2003), but the reality is that a population is being enslaved, and for a few hundred years that’s not what our country’s been about. I would urge all of our readers to write in to the WDSDOT ferry center and urge a boycott of all water transportation to and from Canada until this atrocity has been remedied.

We here at the Pattison Chronicle will continue to follow this scandal as it develops.

--Real News for Real Persons