March 31, 2015 ANTARCTICA
|Those poor poor Wampa Ice Beasts...|
Today it was reported that Antarctica has experienced a record high temperature of 63 degrees Fahrenheit (that part is true, yikes). Many climate change scientists have begun to use this as the banner to unite the world in creating a force for change. Millions have already flocked to the cause with their hybrids, gluten-free lifestyles, and general pretentious demeanors, but not all are so convinced. For those who are unsatisfied by the thin veil of evidence (the rest of the veil melted) that climate scientists are providing, skeptics have a new theory that might blow the lid off of the whole global warming debate.
“Antarctica may be melting, but how much of that is due to human interaction? Recent seismic surveys have revealed great activity beneath the iceberg that may be causing this shift. Simply put: Is it the ozone thinning? Or is it Godzilla?” It was this quote that ended climate change skeptic Timothy Ball’s address at the University of Winnipeg this morning. According to his theory, seismic activity beneath the ice continent has awakened a large, water-dwelling killer lizard that had been dormant for millennia.
|Don't let LA be 1940s Tokyo|
“Focusing our efforts on changing the environment would be a tragic misstep. If we don’t start putting money into coastal military defense outposts we could all find ourselves burnt to cinders.” The lizard, professor Ball says, is over ten stories tall, can likely breathe radioactive fire, and is one-hundred-percent totally plausible, and most certainly not a diversion from the idiocy that he had spewed in recent years. “This is a totally real threat. Look over there!” Ball said, running away while The Pattison’s interview team had their back turned.
What do you think? Is climate change a hoax? Should we all be investing in lizard repellent? The Pattison Chronicle says yes, and the only way to properly repel giant lizards is with The Pattison Chronicle’s proven Giant Lizard Repellent Formula. Head over to our store and buy some today!
--Ashton Macaulay, Poor Fake News Author, Snake Oil Salesman, Giant Lizard Denier