Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Climate Change or Giant Lizard?

March 31, 2015 ANTARCTICA

Those poor poor Wampa Ice Beasts...
Today it was reported that Antarctica has experienced a record high temperature of 63 degrees Fahrenheit (that part is true, yikes). Many climate change scientists have begun to use this as the banner to unite the world in creating a force for change. Millions have already flocked to the cause with their hybrids, gluten-free lifestyles, and general pretentious demeanors, but not all are so convinced. For those who are unsatisfied by the thin veil of evidence (the rest of the veil melted) that climate scientists are providing, skeptics have a new theory that might blow the lid off of the whole global warming debate.

“Antarctica may be melting, but how much of that is due to human interaction? Recent seismic surveys have revealed great activity beneath the iceberg that may be causing this shift. Simply put: Is it the ozone thinning? Or is it Godzilla?” It was this quote that ended climate change skeptic Timothy Ball’s address at the University of Winnipeg this morning. According to his theory, seismic activity beneath the ice continent has awakened a large, water-dwelling killer lizard that had been dormant for millennia.

Don't let LA be 1940s Tokyo

“Focusing our efforts on changing the environment would be a tragic misstep. If we don’t start putting money into coastal military defense outposts we could all find ourselves burnt to cinders.” The lizard, professor Ball says, is over ten stories tall, can likely breathe radioactive fire, and is one-hundred-percent totally plausible, and most certainly not a diversion from the idiocy that he had spewed in recent years. “This is a totally real threat. Look over there!” Ball said, running away while The Pattison’s interview team had their back turned.

What do you think? Is climate change a hoax? Should we all be investing in lizard repellent? The Pattison Chronicle says yes, and the only way to properly repel giant lizards is with The Pattison Chronicle’s proven Giant Lizard Repellent Formula. Head over to our store and buy some today!

*Patent Pending*

--Ashton Macaulay, Poor Fake News Author, Snake Oil Salesman, Giant Lizard Denier

Friday, March 27, 2015

New Depression Treatment Outperforms Traditional SSRIs

March 27, 2015

Today a private firm released a shocking study that has to have the pharmaceutical industry on edge. In a ten week lab study researchers have found that exposure to an orangutan in a top hat is ten times more effective than traditional SSRIs when treating depression. Dr. Krieger Von Nonrealle spoke at a press conference about the revolutionary new procedure. “The procedure is relatively simple: First we take a patient with severe depression, second, we take them into a barren room, and finally we expose them to an orangutan in a top hat.” When patients were exposed to this treatment they demonstrated reduction in depressive symptoms almost immediately.

“We find that some people are initially frightened by the inclusion of a large mammal in the therapeutic process, but the top hat puts them at ease. There is evidence to believe that the addition of a fitted tuxedo and banana cane might increase our results even further.” The conference went on to say that the day of modern antipsychotics is quickly coming to an end. Tactile Orangutan Procedure for Healthy Active Treatment or TOPHAT for short is surprisingly less expensive than most prescription drugs, and so far well over ten times more effective.

“There’s no reason to think that this couldn’t be applied to more disorders, we just need the funding to continue our research, and to sponsor distribution.” The TOPHAT program has started a Kickstarter campaign to help raise awareness for their treatment. Check out their website https://twitter.com/ThePattison (totally not just our twitter page) and donate to help stop big pharma now! Let us move towards a brighter future filled with less mind rotting drugs, and more whimsically dressed endangered species!

--Ashton Macaulay, Psychology Masters Candidate (so I’m an ‘expert) and Orangutan in Training

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

ISIS Invades Tunisian City


Tunisia, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, or Middle Eastern country? Damn you Obi Wan!
Yesterday ISIS fighters took hold of the Tunisian town of Tataouine (we may have spelled that wrong, but fact checking isn’t in the budget, either way, the sentiment behind that amazing opening line is true). The terrorist organization has yet to reveal their plans with holding this desert ‘paradise’ (it’s pronounced shithole), but our experts at The Pattison Chronicle have already begun to speculate. In this article we will share with you the two prevailing opinions of our staff.

1. ISIS plans to create an all-Middle-Eastern Star Wars reboot

Why? As much as ISIS may be pretty good at taking out small encampments, towns, military facilities, and pretty much everything else, they do have a budget crisis. Creating a new Middle Eastern version of Star Wars could boost their revenue stream and do wonders for their public image, which at the moment is mostly scary and death threaty.

Who? J.J. Abrams
God damnit, let me get my wallet for tickets...

The director has been relatively silent on the matter, but we can only assume that he’ll be back to direct this installment.

What will be the focus? We would guess that this retelling would paint The Empire in a more positive light, putting emphasis on the infrastructure and goodwill fostered by mass destruction and blind obedience.

2. ISIS is building a Death Star

It does look pretty terroristy
This is the more probable of the two theories. The first thing ISIS fighters were spotted doing was combing the desert, searching for an item that no news team has been able to identify… Until now. We suspect that they are searching for the long lost plans hidden away inside the R2 unit from A New Hope. We can only hope that those droids got out in time, as a space station the size of a small moon with the power to destroy entire worlds could be mildly dangerous in the hands of an organization like ISIS. On the bright side it’s probably going to take them at least ten years to build it, and we can hope for an exhaust port for poorly trained, Cuban, CIA operatives to exploit.
We’ll have more on this as it develops…

--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Desert Correspondent, Jawa Rights Activist, & Knower of Country Locations. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Man Sues Ireland for Kidney Failure


For many the festivities of Saint Patrick ’s Day are still hanging on like a wretched hammer ghost pinballing inside of their aching cavity that once contained a brain, but not all are so pleased. Last night a man who has chosen to remain nameless (likely because he’s not real, but just go with it), suffered nearly fatal kidney failure as a result of binge drinking. Now rather than blaming the incident on self-pity or alcoholism, the man has taken the American way and began the process of suing a foreign country.

That rock better have a damned good lawyer.

“I just think that Ireland should pay for the damages it has caused. It’s irresponsible championing a holiday that condones drinking in such a fashion.” Mr. Smith (for anonymity) went on to say that under normal circumstances his drinking would not have been so severe, and promptly cracked a beer on the side of his hospital bed to “cure the damage the Irish people did to my brain”. Despite his doctor’s warnings about excessive consumption on the other 364 days of the year, Mr. Smith claims that the blame should lie entirely upon the people of Ireland.

When asked for comment the country of Ireland remained surprisingly silent on the matter, giving nothing but rain and wind in form of a response. As has been our usual we are taking their silence as an admission of guilt. To get to the bottom of this The Pattison Chronicle is issuing an ultimatum. If a representative of the Irish national government does not give us an interview within thirty days we will have no choice but to pour out a bottle of Guinness. Don’t make us do this Ireland. It doesn't have to end this way…

--Ashton Macaulay, Pourer of Guinness, Keeper of Threats, Payer of Debts

Monday, March 16, 2015

Bieber Roast Goes Horribly Wrong

March 16th, Comedy Central Studios

Many were excited to hear that hip-hop icon and self-proclaimed playboy Justin Bieber was to be roasted on Comedy Central last night, but even the most avid despisers of the Canadian misstep might be appalled at what actually transpired. The night began with clever jibes and witticisms, but appears to have ended in a spontaneous act of cannibalism and numerous human rights violations.

The following is a transcription of the original phone-call received by police at 10:15PM last night.  “Hello Officer?” the woman speaking is Gladys Merywhether, an old person who prides herself on speaking nonsense, and the loss of her driver’s license. “Yes, I smell bacon cooking in that comedy channel building, and I think it’s far too late for them to be consuming pork. I think there might be something wrong.” While the tip was quickly disregarded as frivolous, old person drivel, the police did follow-up when auto-tuned screams began to emanate from the studio in which the roast was being shot.

When they arrived they found the shirtless diva on a spit, turning slowly over hot coals. “It appeared that Kevin Hart was stuffing an apple in his mouth while Martha Stewart glazed him with a butter cream sauce. The whole murder was strangely appetizing, but of course we had to bring them all in. Murder is murder, even if it comes with a side dish.”

Feel free to add kale as a healthy afterthought.
We caught up with Martha Stewart as she prepared to make her trip to the courthouse for the second time “I’ve already done my nickel, go ahead and take me! I’m the baddest bitch in that house.” She faces charges of first degree murder and cannibal negligence. These charges have never been presented together and make an interesting case for both judge and jury.

Fortunately the pop-star was unable to be resuscitated as “most of his organs had already begun to carmelize.” For once it’s not all bad news at The Pattison Chronicle. Have a lovely Monday, and thank you for reading the most accurate news source south of FOX.

--Ashton Macaulay, Chief Editor, Chief Contributor, and Honorable Mention in The Pattison Chronicle Writing Competition (Damn you Stu!)

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Ferguson Shooting was Self-Defense

March 12, 2015 FERGUSON, MO

In a shocking role reversal it would appear that two Ferguson police officers were shot early Thursday morning (that part is true). Already the department has labeled the acts as an “ambush”, and condemns the shooter for their actions. While the shooter has not stepped forward into the spotlight, The Pattison Chronicle has managed to secure an exclusive interview with them. Rather than blindly incriminating this individual, we would ask the public to first allow for due process.

There are no black hoodies in this scenario, therefore it is self-defense! See Flowchart below...

The suspect cannot be described for anonymity purposes, but let’s just assume he’s an early 20’s male in a black hoodie. When asked about the “ambush” nature of the shooting he had this to say: “It wasn’t an ambush. I was acting in self-defense as anyone else would.” For those who don’t have time to read every internet story (don’t worry, somehow I do), the police officers were walking down the steps when one was shot in the face and the other in the shoulder (also true), both lived but it was a close call.

“I thought it was weird that they were walking down the center of the steps. This is a historically aggressive population you have to remember, and it was the middle of the night. I was suspicious from the beginning.” The young male goes on to claim that the police officers were armed and made no attempt to stop moving when he called out to them. “I told them to stop advancing. I could see that they had guns on them and just acted. Anyone else would have done the same in my position.”

While the evidence we obtained has not yet been investigated, if the grand jury rulings are any precedent, as long as our young male is white, he should be acquitted within the month. We here at The Pattison Chronicle look forward to this young man’s exoneration and have already made up T-shirts (that may have been a niche market).

--Ashton Macaulay, Police Law Specialist, Bird Law Enthusiast, and Minor in Political Science (not true) 

Monday, March 9, 2015

Apple Unveils the iWatch C


"Imagine being able to tell the time, without looking at your phone."
The announcement of Apple’s new smart watch has been mixed reviews. The pricing models range from a couple hundred dollars all the way to $10,000 (that part is actually true). The hefty price tags didn’t do much to deter a veritable army of men with top knots, shoddily made wool hats, and thick rimmed glasses who have already begun lining up around the blocks of metropolitan business centers around the country. However, for those who can’t afford this new item that is clearly  a necessity, Apple has an option for you!

Introducing the Apple iWatch Cheap…

"Sometimes old school is the best school."
“This cheaper model of our already wildly successful iWatch is a more efficient and slimmed down product. It is completely solar powered, making charging a thing of the past.” While the iWatch C doesn’t have some of the features (everything but the ability to tell time) of its more expensive model, Apple CEO Tim Cook promises that customers will be satisfied.

The iWatch C has a hefty list of pre-orders and is likely to sell out before it hits shelves this Wednesday. “I just really like the feel of it; It’s so retro and minimalist.” Said one man wearing a sweatshirt with a hand-knit bear on it, sipping a foamless, non-fat, free range, soy macchiato from a local coffee chain that has since gone into foreclosure.

Lenon wants his glasses back dude.

We here at The Pattison Chroncile would write more about this, but we have to get in f***ing line!

--Ashton Macaulay, titles, titles, F*** it

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Hilary Clinton's E-mail Was the Tip of the Iceberg...


It would appear that the democratic party is not to be outdone by the oppositional circus that is the GOP. In a candidacy that had previously been unmarred by scandal (because it’s not even official yet), Hilary Clinton appears to have hit a snag. We’re not referring to the fact that she used her personal e-mail for government business (we’re all fine with that), the real issue is what she was using her e-mail for…

In the realm of Clash of Clans there is one who is only spoken of as the destroyer, the raper, the pillager, and the defiler. Until now their identity was previously unknown, but most just referred to them as “a total dick”. Today with the uncovering of Hilary Clinton’s personal e-mail, the identity of this barbaric warlord has been revealed.

“It’s not even fun when she plays. She just takes and takes, with no remorse. That’s not the kind of politician I want running this country.”  LivesAtHome444 isn’t the only one who has raised issues with Clinton’s clash of clan’s tactics.

Rush Limbaugh said, “It is completely unreasonable. We had an alliance for seven days and on the eight she burnt my entire village to the ground. Leave it to a woman…” Unfortunately Mr. Limbaugh’s comments had to be cut out for brevity (and decency), but a full report can be found on our archives page (we don’t have one, it’s just a black hole guarded by a wampa ice beast, so good fucking luck).

I'd vote for her... My crops need saving.
Clinton has refused to comment on the speculation that she is in fact ScorchedEarth69, but a group of barbarians has martialed outside the capital office where the leak came from. In other completely unrelated news, Vladmir Putin has sent an internet proposal, claiming “Her destruction is the single bastion of beauty left in this world.” While creepy, I wouldn’t rule it out entirely, as an international wedding to seal the peace treaty between the US and Russia might be just medieval enough to work…

We’ll have more on this bullshit as it continues to stay relevant for some reason…

--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Political Correspondent, DontHurtMeHilary99, and Herder of Goats

Monday, March 2, 2015

LAPD Releases Training Materials for Recruits to the Public

March 2, 2015 LOS ANGELES, CA

"Protect and serve... the white majority?"
--Full LAPD Seal, cut off for aesthetic purposes
In a wake of recent shootings the LAPD has repeatedly been under fire for the brutality displayed by its officers. As a response to the outrage, the LAPD released information about how their officers are trained this morning to help assuage public fear. “We believe that transparency is the only true way to true clemency, and will thus release all of the training materials that we give to our incoming officers to the public. I think you will find that they are more than adequately prepared for the field when they are given their badge.”

The police captain may have been confident in their training materials, but experts around the country have been examining them with a critical eye, and have been less than pleased. “Their ‘training materials’ are a copy of The Shawshank Redemption and old ‘reefer madness’ promotional materials from the thirties!” Said an expert in police training from the department of Justice. Many scientists are suggesting that some of the LAPDs tactics might be a result of such aggressive training materials, but the police captain has assured us that the two are “completely unrelated”.

“The fact of the matter is that each group of recruits is going to have a few bad eggs, and we’re not going to be able to catch them all. Say what you will about Shawshank, but that prison was in tip-top condition. One escape in hundreds of years? That’s better than our criminal system’s record. Not to mention the fact that their staff was respected by all the inmates, which is our main goal for the Los Angeles Police Force.”

We at The Pattison Chronicle train our police with Lethal Weapon, and so far none of them have showed up for work… More on this story as it develops.

-- Mac Turbine, Martial Arts Expert, Senior Enforcer Staff Member, & Billy Club Aficionado