Electric Car Motors Linked to Increased Gun Violence

DECEMBER 2 2015, PATTISON HEADQUARTERS, REDMOND WASHINGTON

First, let me say that it’s been a while, and that we are truly sorry for our absence. There is no doubt that your minds have gone to mush without the sultry sweet tunes of our hard facts to rock out to. Fear not, we are back, and with a hell of a story to boot. What forced us off of the white sand beaches of Curacao, away from the drunken acrobatic monkeys and whiskey fueled tropical parties? The answer is simple; the liberals are at it again…

Over the past few weeks the Hilary/Bernie/Obama (pick a damned candidate) propaganda machine has been spinning lies aimed at taking down the gun industry (sorry that you didn’t buy stock in Winchester). In an attempt to drive attention away from the clear presidential frontrunner King Donald Trump, the left wing media has seen fit to drum up a bunch of negative publicity for America’s favorite pastime guns.

Let us start by saying yes, the incidents occurring over the past few weeks have been terrible, but the lax regulations in the firearm industry are not to blame. While the liberals would have you believe that a couple of homicidal zealots gunned down people as a result of misinformation and misguided rage, it is simply not true. The answer is actually quite a simple one: Magnetic radiation from Tesla’s new electric cars is cooking perfectly sane minds and turning them into killing machines.

A top scientist at The Pattison’s privately funded Dartmouth University Minneapolis Branch published a paper earlier this week that has been all but ignored in the media. In this paper he writes “Due to the magnetic nature of the electric car’s battery, dangerous waves and particles have been leaking into the atmosphere and producing brain damage.” He goes on to provide test results from a sample of three homeless, white, males between the ages of 18 and 25, who all experienced unusual thoughts when sat next to a Tesla motor vehicle for over an hour. The paper ends with a stirring call to action “If we cannot stop these inventions of death from finding their ways into the hands of our citizens, then we as a nation are doomed. Buy Ford, and remember, oil has never been greener.”

*Note that all correlations are spurious and as such should be taken extremely serious.

Protestors have already begun to accumulate outside Nikola Tesla’s house in Croatia, to request a halt on all manufacturing of future products. Unfortunately, the company has no ties to Nikola, but the hearts of the angry mob are in the right place, and for that, we give them the Pattison Seal of Approval. Remember, the key to change is activism. If you feel that you have been inadvertently coerced into murder, arson, public indecency or other criminal behavior while within a fifty-mile radius of a Tesla vehicle, tell the world. Ignorance is the sickness that plagues a weak nation, and we can be stronger than that. Put your foot in the way of progress and say “Enough is enough!”

The Pattison Chronicle will be returning to a semi-regular posting schedule, to avoid any further international or domestic conflicts. Keep checking our website, share our knowledge with your friends, and remember to follow us on Facebook and Twitter.

Ashton Macaulay, Sparker of Ill-Conceived Protest Movements & Chief Executive Editor/Writer/Photoshopper  

ISIS Invades Tunisian City

MARCH 25^th 2015, SOMEWHERE IN THE DESERT

Tunisia, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, or Middle Eastern country? Damn you Obi Wan!

Yesterday ISIS fighters took hold of the Tunisian town of Tataouine (we may have spelled that wrong, but fact checking isn’t in the budget, either way, the sentiment behind that amazing opening line is true). The terrorist organization has yet to reveal their plans with holding this desert ‘paradise’ (it’s pronounced shithole), but our experts at The Pattison Chronicle have already begun to speculate. In this article we will share with you the two prevailing opinions of our staff.

1. ISIS plans to create an all-Middle-Eastern Star Wars reboot

Why? As much as ISIS may be pretty good at taking out small encampments, towns, military facilities, and pretty much everything else, they do have a budget crisis. Creating a new Middle Eastern version of Star Wars could boost their revenue stream and do wonders for their public image, which at the moment is mostly scary and death threaty.

Who? J.J. Abrams

God damnit, let me get my wallet for tickets...

The director has been relatively silent on the matter, but we can only assume that he’ll be back to direct this installment.

What will be the focus? We would guess that this retelling would paint The Empire in a more positive light, putting emphasis on the infrastructure and goodwill fostered by mass destruction and blind obedience.

2. ISIS is building a Death Star

It does look pretty terroristy

This is the more probable of the two theories. The first thing ISIS fighters were spotted doing was combing the desert, searching for an item that no news team has been able to identify… Until now. We suspect that they are searching for the long lost plans hidden away inside the R2 unit from A New Hope. We can only hope that those droids got out in time, as a space station the size of a small moon with the power to destroy entire worlds could be mildly dangerous in the hands of an organization like ISIS. On the bright side it’s probably going to take them at least ten years to build it, and we can hope for an exhaust port for poorly trained, Cuban, CIA operatives to exploit.

We’ll have more on this as it develops…

--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Desert Correspondent, Jawa Rights Activist, & Knower of Country Locations. 

ISIL Documentary Snubbed by Oscar Committee

February 23, 2015 DESERT CAVE/FILM STUDIO

Why none of your favorite shows were on last night.

The internet is abuzz about the film Birdman beating out Selma for best picture at the Oscars last night, but the real snub comes in one of the minor categories. Documentary short subject probably went to some Polish film about a person living in black and white, but the independent film production company ISIL feels their film was blacklisted from the award shows because of conflicting political ideals (they kill people for fun). The documentary Beheading of an Infidel  received only one award nomination this year (Best Picture, Extremist Academy of Religious Bigotry and ‘Sciences’).

I mean they could have at least thrown them a nomination... racists.

“We really went all out on the cinematography for this film. Some may not have noticed, but the entire film was one continuous shot, and we released it before Birdman.” When asked if he thought Birdman had ripped off their film the documentarian had this to say: “It’s a different concept entirely, I mean they pan away when they execute their actors, but the filmmaking is definitely derivative.”

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences called the allegations ‘frivolous’ and ‘unfounded’, which in turn drew a slew of threats from various shadow organizations. ISIL responded in what they considered tit for tat by conquering yet another Mideastern territory.

ISIL joins an ever growing list of surprising Oscar snubs including The Lego Movie, and every black actor/actress in Hollywood.

Bet you never thought you'd see Legos in an article about ISIS.

--Pattison Schneider, Tow Orca, Mammal, & Film Critic

Gift Basket Turned Air-To-Ground Missile Heightens Tensions Between Egypt and ISIL

February 17th, 2015 SOMEWHERE WITH MUMMIES, EGYPT

It looks like the pyramid laden country of Egypt has made its way back into the news this week after a terrible misunderstanding with the PBS consortium ISIS. Monday morning was supposed to be a day of celebration and an end to fighting between the two, equally middle-eastern factions, but instead it ended in bloodshed when a gift basket turned air-to-ground missile went horribly awry. Rather than the tokens of peace ISIL fighters (civilians) were greeted with fully-functional missiles, with what seemed oddly like fatal intent.

"The incense was a little strong..." --Mohammed Morsi, President of Pyramids

“We were just trying to send some dried fruits, maybe a chocolate or two, but the result was much worse.” Much worse indeed as it appears Egypt fell short of its gift-basket goal by at least two ingredients. Although the gift-basket was checked by several mechanics and trained officials before it was loaded onto the plane, somewhere along the line it was tampered with…

For the safety of the people, we thought it best to cover exactly how accidents like this can happen, and how they can be avoided in the future. Our senior mechanical engineer examined the oversights and shortcuts that may have led to this tragedy. The diagram below details the slippery slope that can turn your gift basket into a weapon.

It's amazing how quickly things can go wrong...

Egypt and ISIL have agreed to go to Red Robin for peace talks after the accidental strike, and negotiations will take place later this week. One thing’s for sure, we’re going to be watching Egypt’s Christmas cards more closely…

Is that pie just a bottle of arsenic? Wait a minute!

--Dan Patterson, Mechanical Expert, Gift Basket Engineer, & Explosives Novice

Dying Light Day 2

Dying Light Day 2

Requiem for a Jimmy

How to begin to describe my second day in the carnage-filled merry-go-round that is Dying Light’s Mogadishu: I made some friends, fell in love, and once again ended up alone against an unbathed hippy drum circle…

Dying Light’s second day was much like the first, the denizens of Mogadishu proved unreceptive to my message. In fact, several of them tried to bite me, and I found that I had to take my protection to an extreme I’m not proud of.

I had to make the binding from hemp... God damned reefer madness.

While a knife attached to a large battery might seem brutal, electricity has proved a formidable tool against violent protestors (I learned from the best, LAPD). My day was filled with fending off the munchie-ridden addicts and running for my life. That was, until I met Jimmy. It was friendship at first sight. I saw him from across the rooftops, and he saw me. Unfortunately he didn’t see the reefer-heads sneaking up behind him, and our friendship came to a quick end. Jimmy was the best of us, and I will morn his loss for the rest of the time I spend playing this game (it’s been three hours, is it over yet?)

He looks so peaceful

Luckily, my despair was not to continue, as shortly after I lost Jimmy I was presented with what I can only assume is the game’s love interest. While it was clear that I was supposed to feel something for this woman, she sported dreadlocks, the traditional head garb of the reggae enthusiast. Reggae is a slippery slope that leads to drum circles…

One of such drum circles throughout the city. Can you guess what that green gas is? It's the MARY JANE!

I can tell you that breaking up that hazy celebration of apathy was eye-opening. Overall my second day with Dying Light has been an emotional roller coaster, and I have no doubt that it will continue to be that way. Now the sun sets and at least I can take comfort in that the reefer heads will likely be asleep. I think I’ll go out for a stroll this evening and post some pictures tomorrow!

Reefers don't like night time right?

--Stephen Shilling, Night Time is Safe Time Author, & Video Game Expert

Prophetic Toast Leaves Destruction in its Wake...

January, 9^th 2015. NEBRASKA

Bloodshed erupted today in Nebraska after a Lincoln resident found an image of the Muslim prophet Muhammad emblazoned in his morning breakfast. After just a few bites of a bowl of Fruit Loops (certainly not our sponsor), an integral component of a balanced breakfast, our source found something oddly biblical about his morning bread products. Only rather than the more frequent gluten-based deities; Jesus, or the Mother Mary, it was Muhammad.

Photo Censored for Graphic Prophetic Content

Not long after speaking out about his wonderful journey of enlightenment and fiber, religious extremists had already begun to fight back. Just hours after the first picture of the prophetic morning provision surfaced on Twitter, several Wonder Bread employees had received threats of violence from an unnamed [Al Qaeda] militant group. Shortly after, twin bombs exploded at a Wonder Bread factory in Virginia. Luckily the employees were saved by the protective coating of dough that accompanied the blast, but the act is still a sobering reminder that no one is safe when it comes to misinterpretation of holy texts and blind zealotry.

The Pattison Chronicle reached out to Al Qaeda for a response about the attack and received only the following threatening photos.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the wheat farmers of America today, and I think all of us here at The Pattison Chronicle will be hugging our Subway (definitely not a sponsor) sandwiches tightly at today’s luncheon.

-- Jon & Jane Smith, Senior Anonymity Reporters in the Field