Prophetic Toast Leaves Destruction in its Wake...

January, 9^th 2015. NEBRASKA

Bloodshed erupted today in Nebraska after a Lincoln resident found an image of the Muslim prophet Muhammad emblazoned in his morning breakfast. After just a few bites of a bowl of Fruit Loops (certainly not our sponsor), an integral component of a balanced breakfast, our source found something oddly biblical about his morning bread products. Only rather than the more frequent gluten-based deities; Jesus, or the Mother Mary, it was Muhammad.

Photo Censored for Graphic Prophetic Content

Not long after speaking out about his wonderful journey of enlightenment and fiber, religious extremists had already begun to fight back. Just hours after the first picture of the prophetic morning provision surfaced on Twitter, several Wonder Bread employees had received threats of violence from an unnamed [Al Qaeda] militant group. Shortly after, twin bombs exploded at a Wonder Bread factory in Virginia. Luckily the employees were saved by the protective coating of dough that accompanied the blast, but the act is still a sobering reminder that no one is safe when it comes to misinterpretation of holy texts and blind zealotry.

The Pattison Chronicle reached out to Al Qaeda for a response about the attack and received only the following threatening photos.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the wheat farmers of America today, and I think all of us here at The Pattison Chronicle will be hugging our Subway (definitely not a sponsor) sandwiches tightly at today’s luncheon.

-- Jon & Jane Smith, Senior Anonymity Reporters in the Field