January, 9th 2015. NEBRASKA
Bloodshed erupted today in Nebraska after a Lincoln resident found an image of the Muslim prophet Muhammad emblazoned in his morning breakfast. After just a few bites of a bowl of Fruit Loops (certainly not our sponsor), an integral component of a balanced breakfast, our source found something oddly biblical about his morning bread products. Only rather than the more frequent gluten-based deities; Jesus, or the Mother Mary, it was Muhammad.
Not long after speaking out about his wonderful journey of enlightenment and fiber, religious extremists had already begun to fight back. Just hours after the first picture of the prophetic morning provision surfaced on Twitter, several Wonder Bread employees had received threats of violence from an unnamed [Al Qaeda] militant group. Shortly after, twin bombs exploded at a Wonder Bread factory in Virginia. Luckily the employees were saved by the protective coating of dough that accompanied the blast, but the act is still a sobering reminder that no one is safe when it comes to misinterpretation of holy texts and blind zealotry.
The Pattison Chronicle reached out to Al Qaeda for a response about the attack and received only the following threatening photos.
-- Jon & Jane Smith, Senior Anonymity Reporters in the Field