January, 9th 2015. NEBRASKA
Bloodshed erupted today in Nebraska after a Lincoln resident
found an image of the Muslim prophet Muhammad emblazoned in his morning
breakfast. After just a few bites of a bowl of Fruit Loops (certainly not our
sponsor), an integral component of a balanced breakfast, our source found
something oddly biblical about his morning bread products. Only rather than the
more frequent gluten-based deities; Jesus, or the Mother Mary, it was Muhammad.
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| Photo Censored for Graphic Prophetic Content |
Not long after speaking out about his wonderful journey of
enlightenment and fiber, religious extremists had already begun to fight back.
Just hours after the first picture of the prophetic morning provision surfaced
on Twitter, several Wonder Bread employees had received threats of violence
from an unnamed [Al Qaeda] militant group. Shortly after, twin bombs exploded
at a Wonder Bread factory in Virginia. Luckily the employees were saved by the
protective coating of dough that accompanied the blast, but the act is still a
sobering reminder that no one is safe when it comes to misinterpretation of
holy texts and blind zealotry.
The Pattison Chronicle reached out to Al Qaeda for a
response about the attack and received only the following threatening photos.
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-- Jon & Jane Smith, Senior Anonymity Reporters in the Field
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