January 13th, 2015, BOULDER, CO
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| "Murderers of fitness since 1909" |
Turtle-paced pandemonium broke out in Boulder today as Ben
and Jerry’s announced their new ice cream flavors for 2015. The diabolical frozen delight purveyors revealed that this
year not only would they be creating unimaginable deliciousness, but they would
be filling it with a sinful cookie core. As if this wasn’t enough, the cookie
core itself is made of some satanic magma that can only be described as “cookie
butter”. This devilish delight is ground up cookies, combined with lard, children’s
tears, and a pinch of cinnamon.
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| Actual depiction of "Cookie Core" |
Understandably the newly stoned denizens of Colorado took to
the streets in despondent displays of civil disobedience when it was discovered
that the flavors had not yet been released. One man described the scene as “forlorn
chaos”, with “men and women slumped against the sides of buildings to rest as
they were too tired to get up and protest anymore.” Boulder stores fear that if
the protests continue any longer that they will run out of Doritos and Funions,
leaving nothing but a barren wasteland of health foods and locally grown
organic “bullshit”.
Stay strong Colorado, perhaps the next supply truck to your
desolate, ice-ridden, snowy funland, will bring the new Ben and Jerry’s
flavors. Until then, The Pattison Chronicle’s prayers are with you.
--Alex Whipnasty, High Priest of Funk and Martial Arts Novice
If you wish to view the creamy propaganda yourself you may
follow the link below, but be warned, it looks god damned delicious…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCvXKvttBs8
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