Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Pumpkins Found to be Highly Intelligent


Earlier this morning a group of fringe botanists revealed the results of a ten year longitudinal study regarding the intellectual capacity of holiday squashes. In a press conference this morning, Dr. Jack Olantern (he legally changed it, because botany), said the following: "After many years of study, it is now clear that pumpkins are among some of the most highly intelligent creatures on this planet. While we are not able to classify them into a species at this time, we can assure you that they are living, and possibly more intelligent than we are."

This sent a shock wave through the scientific community, with most calling the research preposterous and unfounded, but a few lovable drunkards calling it revolutionary. The research is based off of the findings that pumpkins are able to display a wide range of emotions through a process known as "carving". A pumpkin will only express one emotion in it's lifetime, making them a deep, intellectual race. Pop psychologists have already begun examining an emotional attachment style that involves only showing one expression to one's partner over a lifetime. Early results are promising, and will likely be published in the prestigious journal of Cosmo in the coming months.

The study was conducted with a representative group of both white and orange colored pumpkins, with diameters between 20-45 centimeters. While no replications have been run, the scientists are highly confident that future naturalistic observation will yield similar results. In the meantime, PETA has already begun protesting the grotesque treatment of the pumpkin species, and will likely be holding rallies to interrupt traditional Halloween shenanigans, as well as what may now be the monstrosity of pumpkin spice lattes.

No comments:

Post a Comment