Pumpkins Found to be Highly Intelligent

October 27th, SPOOKY FOREST, SEATTLE

Earlier this morning a group of fringe botanists revealed the results of a ten year longitudinal study regarding the intellectual capacity of holiday squashes. In a press conference this morning, Dr. Jack Olantern (he legally changed it, because botany), said the following: "After many years of study, it is now clear that pumpkins are among some of the most highly intelligent creatures on this planet. While we are not able to classify them into a species at this time, we can assure you that they are living, and possibly more intelligent than we are."

This sent a shock wave through the scientific community, with most calling the research preposterous and unfounded, but a few lovable drunkards calling it revolutionary. The research is based off of the findings that pumpkins are able to display a wide range of emotions through a process known as "carving". A pumpkin will only express one emotion in it's lifetime, making them a deep, intellectual race. Pop psychologists have already begun examining an emotional attachment style that involves only showing one expression to one's partner over a lifetime. Early results are promising, and will likely be published in the prestigious journal of Cosmo in the coming months.

The study was conducted with a representative group of both white and orange colored pumpkins, with diameters between 20-45 centimeters. While no replications have been run, the scientists are highly confident that future naturalistic observation will yield similar results. In the meantime, PETA has already begun protesting the grotesque treatment of the pumpkin species, and will likely be holding rallies to interrupt traditional Halloween shenanigans, as well as what may now be the monstrosity of pumpkin spice lattes.

Fallmageddon

Perfect place for death by selfie

September 23^rd marks the end of summer, and the beginning of fall. For most people this is a time of preparation, stocking up for winter and preparing for hibernation (is that humans or bears? I can never remember). However, this fall is not going to be ordinary. If our meteorologists at The Pattison Chronicle Weather Center are correct (and we’re pretty sure they aren’t), we could be on the brink of one of the deadliest autumns in history.

Scientists are calling it Fallmageddon. With the popularity of dead tree leaves, “genuine” fall photos, and pumpkin spice lattes, we are almost certainly due for one of the most heavily hash tagged falls of all time. “First off, we’re going to be seeing a lot of tweet waves. Residents should prepare themselves by understanding that all social media channels will be clogged with photos of dead leaves and autumn themed Starbucks drinks,” warned Pattison Chronicle Meteorologist Pat Weatherman in a speech today which no one attended due to its lack of social media buzz. “If we’re not careful, social media won’t be able to dispense cat videos, and we could be looking at least a two-month drought.” A recent poll by Pattison scientists showed that without these cat videos, depression rates in the United States could skyrocket.

Many Bothans died to give us this information

The second threat we will be facing is what’s known as “Death by Selfie”. More and more teens (who are we kidding, the guy who died at the Taj Mahal was middle-aged), are perishing in the attempt to get that perfect picture. As fall rolls around, this will only continue to get worse. Drivers are urged to use extra caution in watching for pedestrians who might be trying to snap “genuine” pictures in the middle of the motorway. Pedestrians are asked to be on the lookout for motorists who might be trying to immortalize their Pumpkin Spice Latte, rather than attending to the road.

The Pattison Chronicle asks that you be safe this fall, and #Fallow our simple guide to help lower the autumn death toll. Be sure to tell us on Twitter and Facebook about your preparations for #Fallmageddon.