Friday, January 30, 2015

Dying Light Verdict

Dying Light, Final Day

They mostly come at night...



I am happy to report that I have already beaten the Dying Light campaign. However, I am sad to report that it was a poorly written train wreck that was entirely too short. If you’ll recall at the end of Day 2 I was going for a walk as the reefers were going to be asleep in their opium dens for the night. The evening had the perfect makings for a nice stroll, but the second the sun touched the horizon SHIT GOT REAL.

That machete is bloody from all of the educating I had to do...
I was not aware that the particular strain of Marijuana plaguing this small African nation was Midnight Flower. This ultra-rare strain of the cannabis plant was most notably recognized in the documentary Night of the Living Dead (Romero, 1968). It causes violent behavior in those who smoke it which manifests during the day, but in a more extreme fashion at night. When I stepped out for my evening stroll all hell broke loose.

First of all, it was dark, so dark that screenshots became but a bitter memory. I have included one shot of how dark it is, but I’ll be using my B-roll for the rest. I was only outside for five minutes when I was set upon by a junkie covered in boils and sores. He promptly ripped my face off and turned my body into a fine, red mist, after which I was given the following screen.



I can only assume that there is nothing past this rather lackluster, albeit surprise ending. So in the end, I have some judgments to make…

Dying Light Verdict:









THE VERDICT




As always, if you don't like our rating system you can go to hell.

--Stephen Shilling, Senior Video Game Correspondent, & Birdwatcher


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Dying Light Day 2

Dying Light Day 2

Requiem for a Jimmy


How to begin to describe my second day in the carnage-filled merry-go-round that is Dying Light’s Mogadishu: I made some friends, fell in love, and once again ended up alone against an unbathed hippy drum circle…

Dying Light’s second day was much like the first, the denizens of Mogadishu proved unreceptive to my message. In fact, several of them tried to bite me, and I found that I had to take my protection to an extreme I’m not proud of.

I had to make the binding from hemp... God damned reefer madness.

While a knife attached to a large battery might seem brutal, electricity has proved a formidable tool against violent protestors (I learned from the best, LAPD). My day was filled with fending off the munchie-ridden addicts and running for my life. That was, until I met Jimmy. It was friendship at first sight. I saw him from across the rooftops, and he saw me. Unfortunately he didn’t see the reefer-heads sneaking up behind him, and our friendship came to a quick end. Jimmy was the best of us, and I will morn his loss for the rest of the time I spend playing this game (it’s been three hours, is it over yet?)
He looks so peaceful


Luckily, my despair was not to continue, as shortly after I lost Jimmy I was presented with what I can only assume is the game’s love interest. While it was clear that I was supposed to feel something for this woman, she sported dreadlocks, the traditional head garb of the reggae enthusiast. Reggae is a slippery slope that leads to drum circles…



One of such drum circles throughout the city. Can you guess what that green gas is? It's the MARY JANE!

I can tell you that breaking up that hazy celebration of apathy was eye-opening. Overall my second day with Dying Light has been an emotional roller coaster, and I have no doubt that it will continue to be that way. Now the sun sets and at least I can take comfort in that the reefer heads will likely be asleep. I think I’ll go out for a stroll this evening and post some pictures tomorrow!


Reefers don't like night time right?

--Stephen Shilling, Night Time is Safe Time Author, & Video Game Expert

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Dying Light Review: Day 1



Dying Light Review: Day 1

What is this cat and why isn't it more important?

Mogadishu, the cityscape of Dying Light
The Pattison Chronicle has decided to step into new territory and expand its already exhaustive content. Today a zombie survival game Dying Light was released, but shady developers didn’t give enough time for it to be reviewed by professionals. Naturally, we here at The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be best for us to purchase the game, and do our best to review it haphazardly in a few days so that gamers can make an even more uninformed decision about buying the product. So enjoy…

Dying Light opens with a cinematic of some guy parachuting into what I can only assume to be a Middle Eastern country (it’s hot and there’s lots of hostiles). Immediately I assumed the game was about liberating said country from the forces of terror, but was quickly thrown a curveball when one of these guys showed up…
You know she didn't go to work today.... Burnouts...
Of course, I parachuted into a city just months after marijuana had been legalized (well played Techland). My mission was to coral these slow moving addicts and educate them on the perils of drug use. Unfortunately the drug addled beast was too much for me and I was quickly overtaken. Fortunately I was saved in the nick of time by a group of plucky renegades and taken back to meet their leader. The rebels maintained that a man called ‘The Boss’ ran their operation, but while searching the surrounding building for useful items (duct tape, alcohol, and metal parts) I came across this image.

Mr Whiskers, Savior of Mogadishu 
As of yet I'm not sure what this game is about, but I can be sure that this cat is going to be a major player in the hours to come... Playable cat-based DLC perhaps? One can only hope that it will be one of the many mediocre offerings that are presented for $15 shortly after the game’s initial release. Either way my initial hours with Dying Light have been a joy-filled romp through a post-apocalyptic look at what happens when states take the war on drugs into their own hands. It has served as a sobering warning to any states that wish to follow in Washington, Colorado, and Oregon’s paths…
As the sun sets I know my work here is not yet finished. How can I reach these kids?



More to come as I continue playing…



--Ashton Macaulay, Head of Video Game Division, Conspiracy Theory Author, and Questioner of Felines



Monday, January 26, 2015

KFC to Test New Chicken Flavored Soft Drink

January 26th, 2015 KENTUCKY

Home of the Chicken Fried Chicken in Chicken
It may have been a slow start to the week in news, but KFC promises to make it even slower (by sending us all into a fried chicken induced stupor). For those unfamiliar, KFC is the fast-food chain best known for promoting obesity through replacing conventional sandwich buns with fried chicken. They have been the target of many lawsuits over the years, but have recently been trying to turn their image around through the promotion of more “healthy” products. With the introduction of the new Double Down hotdog (currently in testing, see this link: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/the-world-is-a-vampire#.ah8ZG6g05) which is both high in protein and protein, KFC appears to be making good on that promise.

That was until this morning. In addition to the new double down hotdog monstrosity, KFC will also be piloting a “Liquid-Chicken Delivery System” or to the layman a “Chicken-based soft drink”. Colonel Sanders was unable to comment (as he’s a fantasy character and likely long dead from cardiac arrest), but I think it is safe to assume that this new drink will still offer the secret herbs and spices (possibly crack cocaine?) that we’ve all come to love so much. We were able to reach a KFC marketing spokesperson who has requested to remain unnamed as “The Pattison Chronicle is not a real news source.”

When asked about the soft-drink he had the following to say “It’s a good way to reach a market that would otherwise be unable to eat our chicken. Traditional drumsticks are just too crunchy for some our elderly and infantile customers, and here at KFC we’re not in the business of discrimination!” That is unless of course you look at their hiring practices. “We want everyone to be able to enjoy our chicken and the new ChiCola line will bring that home cooking to the masses.”

I'm sure somewhere a PETA representative is offended...
The Chicola drink is currently being piloted in Saskatchewan (A land of igloos and lax FDA regulations) and is set to release to the public sometime this summer.  So you might as well burn those calories now, because in a few months we’re all going to be drinking chicken through a straw…


-- Stephen Shilling, Poultry Enthusiast, Deep Frier Operator, & Underpaid Fast Food Employee

Saturday, January 24, 2015

5 Signs Your Congressman Might Be a Lizard Person

January 23, 2015 WASHINGTON DC

The 2016 election may not be drawing near, but plenty of politicians seem to think it is. With all of the campaign ads, baby kissing, and flamboyant displays of partisanship to come, we at The Pattison Chronicle thought it would be prudent to promote political education. Over the coming year we will post several hard-hitting (but fun) investigative reports and quizzes so that you, the American (Foreign readers be damned!) public can understand our cluster-FUN system of government.

Patent and Business Model Pending Motivation

For our first segment I present a brief guide that should help you determine whether or not your congressman/congresswoman is a lizard person…

1.      They have pale and wrinkly skin


You might be saying to yourself: “My congressperson is just old! They’re not a lizard!” To that I say: Welcome your new overlords, because you are far too trusting and woefully unprepared for the years of hard labor and servitude to come. Why must the na├»ve die young?!

2.      They seem hell bent on world domination


I don’t mean Kevin Spacey in House of Cards bent on world domination, think more along the lines of The Third Reich, but with more sunbathing (cold blooded Nazi-Lizards).

3.      They eat bugs…


If you catch your congressman eating a bag of crickets rather than an all American turkey club, you bet you’ve got yourself a lizard person. [EXCEPTION: If your congressperson is on Fear Factor]

You can print this for your office, in fact I highly recommend it.

4.      Their speeches are mostly a series of aggravated hisses followed by various aggressive gestures


Do you often feel threatened when watching your congressperson speak? Are they rushing at you with the uncoordinated gait of a komodo dragon? If you answered yes to either of these, I’m sorry to say it, but you might have a lizard person…

5.      Newt Gingrich

Enough said.

Please America, be vigilant, exercise your superior mental abilities, and plan for the inevitable takeover that’s coming. Know the difference, and spread the word! The more of them we stop getting into government, the more years of quiet solitude we can enjoy before we’re all put into cages for our reptilian overlords to gawk at us.


-- Ashton Macaulay, Junior Herpetologist, and Indiana Jones Fan Club Member

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Decision Reached for The Patriots

January 22, 2015  NFL IVORY TOWER, MORDOR

Roger Goodell, High Priest of the NFL
More shocking news out of the NFL today as in the tidal wave of recent scandals Roger Goodel has elected to actually take a stance on an issue. Rather than filibustering until the Super Bowl is long over, the NFL commissioner has come to a ruling regarding the unspeakable acts of The Patriots in last Sunday’s game. While some fans would like to see The Patriots stripped of their Super Bowl spot, I find the NFL’s solution to be subtle, and elegant. If The Patriots wish to keep their spot they will undergo a mandated  name change.

“What’s in a name?” you ask? Well the NFL hasn’t given them much of a choice in the matter. The Patriots will have to change their name to The Red Coats, and will all be forced to apply for dual citizenship with Canada (England was far too glamorous)! They will practice in the hellish wasteland of Manitoba (presumably against the ill-tempered moose population), and will only be allowed to enter the United States on game days. They will play all of their games on the road, as the NFL does not want to punish the entire league.
New Location of Red Coat Corner (Stadium/Moose Barn)

When asked to comment Tom Brady said the following: “I guess we’ll just have to do it eh? We’re real soory America, see you at the Super Bowl.” With a team this demoralized it seems that the championship game will be little more than a training exercise for the legion of boom. We here at

The Pattison Chronicle will be tuning in either way, because SCREW THE PATRIOTS GO HAWKS, KERBLAH!


What do you think of the NFL’s decision? Chime in at the comments section below, or send me passive-aggressive twitter messages to @MacAshton351.

--Ashton Macaulay, Reporter, Sworn Enemy of Canada, Lover of America

Monday, January 19, 2015

Seahawks Investigated for Performance Enhancers

January 19, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

"National F***-All League"
Amidst the turmoil that has accompanied the Patriots being investigated for deflated balls (they let Lance Armstrong race!), it appears that the NFL will have another scandal to add to the ever-growing pile. Fans cheered and heaped thunderous applause after a last-minute comeback by the Seattle Seahawks in yesterday’s championship game, but new evidence suggests that skittles might not have been the ultimate driving force behind this victory. Mac Turbine reports.

MAC TURBINE, DICKS BURGERS, WA

It appears that the Seahawks will be joining the list of professional teams accused of cheating today. NFL commissioner (and dark lord of The Sith) Roger Goodell claims that there is speculation that the team may have been using ‘outside help’. While many believed Marshawn Lynch’s golden shoes to be merely a publicity stunt, the commissioner and the NFLs game review committee thought differently.

“There is a good chance that Marshawn’s shoes were coated in a substance only previously thought to be possible in the realm of science fiction.” While the committee refused to elaborate, I think we all know what the substance they’re referring to is. Last seen aiding an ailing college basketball team in 1997, the performance enhancing drug, ‘flubber’, was thought to be long gone. Unfortunately for the sporting industry it appears that this volatile substance may be making a resurgence in the greater Seattle area.

The shoes are currently being held for questioning.
I was able to conduct a brief interview with the football star earlier today. “Marshawn, did you coat your shoes with the performance enhancing drug ‘flubber’ before yesterday’s game?”

“Yeah.” The simple one-word response says it all.


PATTISON CHRONICLE NEWS ROOM, NORTH POLE

Authorities are urging everyone to report any suspicious activity in the Seattle area that might indicate the production of flubber. Residents are asked to keep an eye out for oddly charming professors, flying cars, and the creation of a new Seattle basketball team. I think I speak for all of us here at the chronicle when I say: “YEAH, GO HAWKS, GO HAWKS! SUPERBOWL! FOOBALL! FLUBBER BE DAMNED! YEAHHHHH!”




--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, and 1990 Comedy Addict

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Surprising Oscar Snub!

January 15, 2015. LOS ANGELES, CA

A murmur of despair escaped the gold encrusted lips of the Hollywood elite today as yet another deserving film was deemed unworthy by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. While most of the nominations were unsurprising(Civil Rights Movie, Mental Disorder the Movie, and Movie That Won’t Win, but Good Try!), one of the year’s most beloved films was left off of the prestigious list of Oscar contenders. I’m speaking of course about the thought-provoking, environmental thriller Sharknado 2: The Second One.


"Best Picture" - Pattison's Choice Award Winner 2014


While the Academy does have a history of pillaging creativity judgmentally from their high horses, Sharknado’s snub was nothing short of a George R.R. Martin-esque wedding. For those who are unfamiliar, Sharknado 2: The Second One examines the consequences of our destructive environmental practices on society. It shines a light on the very real and often ignored possibility of a shark-filled super hurricane descending on New York. Both educational and realistic, Sharknado will clearly remain the people’s choice for 2014’s best picture, best director, best visual effects, as well as the other less-important categories (talking to you short-form documentaries).
"I have no idea what's going on, but I'm angry!"

Many actors and actresses (Gary Busey) have already begun to boycott this year’s award show in a public display of solidarity. The Pattison will be passive-aggressively ignoring the event as well and instead will try to focus on the more important things (having a life, eating food, watching sharks get torn apart in stunning HD on Bluray). Stay strong Sharknado, stay strong…

--Ashton Macaulay, Movie Correspondent, Intern in the 4th Degree


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Ben & Jerry’s Announces Cookie Core, Subdued Riots in Colorado

January 13th, 2015, BOULDER, CO

"Murderers of fitness since 1909"
Turtle-paced pandemonium broke out in Boulder today as Ben and Jerry’s announced their new ice cream flavors for 2015. The diabolical  frozen delight purveyors revealed that this year not only would they be creating unimaginable deliciousness, but they would be filling it with a sinful cookie core. As if this wasn’t enough, the cookie core itself is made of some satanic magma that can only be described as “cookie butter”. This devilish delight is ground up cookies, combined with lard, children’s tears, and a pinch of cinnamon.
Actual depiction of "Cookie Core"

Understandably the newly stoned denizens of Colorado took to the streets in despondent displays of civil disobedience when it was discovered that the flavors had not yet been released. One man described the scene as “forlorn chaos”, with “men and women slumped against the sides of buildings to rest as they were too tired to get up and protest anymore.” Boulder stores fear that if the protests continue any longer that they will run out of Doritos and Funions, leaving nothing but a barren wasteland of health foods and locally grown organic “bullshit”.

Stay strong Colorado, perhaps the next supply truck to your desolate, ice-ridden, snowy funland, will bring the new Ben and Jerry’s flavors. Until then, The Pattison Chronicle’s prayers are with you.


--Alex Whipnasty, High Priest of Funk and Martial Arts Novice



If you wish to view the creamy propaganda yourself you may follow the link below, but be warned, it looks god damned delicious…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCvXKvttBs8

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Adventureland Quarantined Due to Measles Outbreak

The now closed customs in Adventureland
January 10th, 2015. ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA

In the wake of a series of increasingly viral diseases in Disneyland, park management has begun to take preventative measures. The West African colony of Adventureland has been quarantined, with its inhabitants stuck there for the foreseeable future. Mac Turbine reports from the field.

MAC TURBINE, OUTSIDE ADVENTURELAND, WEST AFRICA, CALIFORNIA

Mandatory scary Ebola picture.
It’s a scene of absolute chaos here in the border town of Main Street USA. Foreign aid churro stands have been wheeling in and out of Adventureland all day, providing what little they can to those quarantined inside. While initially measles was the only suspected outbreak, our senior viral analyst (and 10 time dog show winner) now suspects that there may be strains of Ebola, West-Nile virus, and Jumping Shingles as well.



Original reports suggested that the disease may have been brought in by park guests, but later investigation pointed to the cesspool that is The Jungle Cruise. With combined living spaces for a myriad of African animals, this attraction has always been a disaster waiting to happen…

One thing is for sure, the mouse will not be letting anyone out until the country has let the diseases run their course.


--Mac Turbine, Reporter in the Field and Amateur Zoologist

Friday, January 9, 2015

Prophetic Toast Leaves Destruction in its Wake...

January, 9th 2015. NEBRASKA

Bloodshed erupted today in Nebraska after a Lincoln resident found an image of the Muslim prophet Muhammad emblazoned in his morning breakfast. After just a few bites of a bowl of Fruit Loops (certainly not our sponsor), an integral component of a balanced breakfast, our source found something oddly biblical about his morning bread products. Only rather than the more frequent gluten-based deities; Jesus, or the Mother Mary, it was Muhammad.

Photo Censored for Graphic Prophetic Content

Not long after speaking out about his wonderful journey of enlightenment and fiber, religious extremists had already begun to fight back. Just hours after the first picture of the prophetic morning provision surfaced on Twitter, several Wonder Bread employees had received threats of violence from an unnamed [Al Qaeda] militant group. Shortly after, twin bombs exploded at a Wonder Bread factory in Virginia. Luckily the employees were saved by the protective coating of dough that accompanied the blast, but the act is still a sobering reminder that no one is safe when it comes to misinterpretation of holy texts and blind zealotry.

The Pattison Chronicle reached out to Al Qaeda for a response about the attack and received only the following threatening photos.





















Our thoughts and prayers are with the wheat farmers of America today, and I think all of us here at The Pattison Chronicle will be hugging our Subway (definitely not a sponsor) sandwiches tightly at today’s luncheon.

-- Jon & Jane Smith, Senior Anonymity Reporters in the Field

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Peyton Rhymes With Satan

January 8, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

Today is a dark day, as for the first time in decades The Catholic Church has made a sweeping ban on something completely unrelated to religion, but ultimately for our benefit (God, 2015). In a bold and what most consider justified move, The Catholic Church (capitalized for holy emphasis) has banned the pagan practice of supporting The Broncos’ Super Bowl bid.

"Come with me, to eternal fire, and touchdown passes..."
“Peyton is just too darned close to Satan, and that’s just against God.” Said one religious spokesperson, who as like the majority of our sources (cowards) has chosen to remain nameless. We can tell you that he is a high ranking member of the church and as such likely possesses super powers of a divine nature.

We attempted to reach out to Peyton ‘Satan’ Manning for comment (it is catchy), but sadly he was still in hiding, fearing that he might have the chance to repeat 2014’s Super Bowl embarrassment. In the meantime I suppose there is only one correct course of action. Let us all step off the path of the deceiver, and enter into the glorious Hawk. For only in worshipping of a false avian idol will we find solace!

Praise be to the mighty hawks, and eternal hell fire on panthers!

Actual Photo (Biblical elements may have been exaggerated)
-- Reporter in the Field, Captain Sparkles

References:



God ft. Dogma (2015). Here’s a new list of things you should hate because I hate them, and that’s just how we do things here. Stone Tablet Today, 7890(1), 1-10. Retrieved from: Centuries old beliefs that hold no relevance to our society.

Note: The Pattison Chronicle represents the views of no one, if you are offended kindly submit a claim to our complaint office ecampaign@gop.com

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Netflix, Streaming Service, or Corporate Swamp Beast?

January 6th, 2015, SEATTLE, WA
            
Red for the blood of the innocents (which they drink)
Today is a dark day for the internet video industry as the streaming service Netflix is facing a lawsuit following the release of seasons 1-10 of Friends online. For those who are unfamiliar, Netflix is an online streaming service that offers thousands of options for procrastination and social alienation for a modest $7.99 a month. The victim claims that he was no longer able to complete basic daily tasks such as: Eating, drinking, or feeding his cats after the release of Friends to the online streaming service.
           
“It’s just, there’s so much to watch now, and I can’t stop. I really want to, but Netflix just won’t let me.” The man has asked to remain nameless due to threats toward his feline counterparts from the shadowy corporate killing machine Netflix. The man is seeking $40,000 in reparations, which as he states is “enough for me to finish the entire series without having to work or care for my children.”
            
There has been no response as of yet from the morally reprehensible lie factory Netflix, but we here at the Pattison Chronicle can assure you that a statement will be made public as soon as it is available (we have interns attempting corporate espionage right now). More about this story as it develops.


--Burt Jinzley