Peyton Rhymes With Satan

January 8, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

Today is a dark day, as for the first time in decades The Catholic Church has made a sweeping ban on something completely unrelated to religion, but ultimately for our benefit (God, 2015). In a bold and what most consider justified move, The Catholic Church (capitalized for holy emphasis) has banned the pagan practice of supporting The Broncos’ Super Bowl bid.

"Come with me, to eternal fire, and touchdown passes..."

“Peyton is just too darned close to Satan, and that’s just against God.” Said one religious spokesperson, who as like the majority of our sources (cowards) has chosen to remain nameless. We can tell you that he is a high ranking member of the church and as such likely possesses super powers of a divine nature.

We attempted to reach out to Peyton ‘Satan’ Manning for comment (it is catchy), but sadly he was still in hiding, fearing that he might have the chance to repeat 2014’s Super Bowl embarrassment. In the meantime I suppose there is only one correct course of action. Let us all step off the path of the deceiver, and enter into the glorious Hawk. For only in worshipping of a false avian idol will we find solace!

Praise be to the mighty hawks, and eternal hell fire on panthers!

Actual Photo (Biblical elements may have been exaggerated)

-- Reporter in the Field, Captain Sparkles

References:

God ft. Dogma (2015). Here’s a new list of things you should hate because I hate them, and that’s just how we do things here. Stone Tablet Today, 7890(1), 1-10. Retrieved from: Centuries old beliefs that hold no relevance to our society.

Note: The Pattison Chronicle represents the views of no one, if you are offended kindly submit a claim to our complaint office ecampaign@gop.com