Viking Field Goal Hampered by Divine Intervention

January 11^th 2016

For many Minnesota fans, Sunday’s game was a disappointment, as their playoff hopes died with an ill-fated field goal attempt. Most were quick to disown Blair Walsh and blame his inadequacy (until next year’s pre-season), but some have speculated that there may have been another reason for his missed attempt. Mainly, the blame has begun to fall on the vengeful wrath of ancient Viking gods who have been offended by Minnesota’s mascot.

The Minnesota Vikings have used caricatures of Norse gods for their mascot since the early 1960s, and it appears that it is finally catching up with them. Professors of mythology from all over the globe have begun to speculate that there might have been some divine interference during the game. “If you look at the moment the kick veers off course, you can very clearly see Thor’s hammer flying in from the west,” said Dr. Obfu Scate. He suspects that the Norse gods finally grew tired of being a mockery and took matters into their own hands.

Meteorologists have also been unable to explain the extreme cold experienced during the game, which is unusual for Wisconsin’s normally balmy climate. While some initially interpreted this as the gods being on Minnesota’s side, it is clear now that it was the opposite.

The Seattle Seahawks were seen training with several ornithologists for their next game, but have declined to acknowledge their fear of potential mascot interference. More on this story after next week’s game.

--Ashton Macaulay, Junior Ornithologist, Football Spectator, Television Set Combatant

Portland to Host NFL Team

June 13, 2015 PORTLAND, OR

Soon to be gluten-free

Yes, that’s right, you read our headline correctly; Portland Oregon is going to be hosting a new sports team! With the success of the Portland Timbers and the lackluster glory that always seems to trail the Blazers, it was only a matter of time before Portland invested in something fresh. Next summer Portland will play host to the NFL’s first ironic pro football team, The Portland Jack Wagons.

The team opted to use this photo of a brick wall as their logo, saying "it's about the government."

The Portland Jack Wagons have already boycotted next year’s NFL draft, claiming that they “wouldn’t want any of the ‘mainstream’ players anyway.” Instead, Portland will be recruiting former all-star cricket player Sachin Tendulkar (that’s a real person), lead singer of Hole Courtney Love and famous knee-capper Tonya Harding. The team manager will be none other than movie director Gus Van Sant.

Van Sant gave a brief interview on the new team’s style: “The team will focus on the pacifistic aspects of pro-football while simultaneously lampooning the beast-like nature of our opponents. Yes, some of our players may be injured, but in the end, that’s art.” Rather than playing in a stadium, Van Sant has opted to play the team’s home games in “an abandoned parking lot behind that cool new restaurant on Macadam.”

We would have photoshopped a football into her hand, but the intern was in charge of photos today, and he doesn't have a license. So just imagine a football in her hand. Can you picture it? Good. Now subscribe so that this doesn't have to happen again.

Rest assured that we will be covering this team’s rise to fame over the next year.

--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, Professional Obfuscator, and Jack Wagon Fan

PETA Lashes out at Katy Perry About Half-Time Show Performance

"Fighting for animal rights humans don't even have."

February 2, 2015 SEATTLE WASHINGTON

In the wake of a disappointing Superbowl outcome the citizens of Washington have been re-directing their attention to the ‘real’ winner of the Superbowl. I’m speaking of course about Katy Perry. Many tuned into yesterday’s half-time show with the lackluster enthusiasm of a generation that has seen it all (looking at you Janet), but there wasn’t a dry eye in the house when Ms. Perry finished her soulful rendition of her hit single Animal Noises. However, there are some who are very displeased with the performance, and mostly they’re PETA.

Because being the Mockingjay just wasn't enough was it?

A spokesperson for PETA (People for Extreme Trivial Activism) said the following: “Not only did Katy Perry manage to abuse a well-loved species by removing it from its natural habitat…” Referring to the dancing sharks during Song that No Longer Contains Snoop Dogg. “…She also took an endangered species, oppressed it into servitude, and rode it for the crowd’s amusement. It is one of the biggest catastrophes in animal rights history, and frankly I’m appalled that the NFL has done nothing about it. Ms. Perry should face heavy fines if not jail-time for her actions.” While the representative may have seemed a bit uppity, they may have a point. At one point during the performance it is very clear that the sharks are under duress (likely due to the lack of water on the stage) and can be seen gasping for air.

Katy Perry strikes one of the sharks after it gasped on stage.

In addition, the Post-Annakin/Darth Vader treatment of the lion was gruesome. When asked to comment Roger Goodell had the following to say: “We want to wait to make a decision until all the information is available. The NFL is currently in possession of a tape that does indeed show Ms. Perry on a mechanical animal of some kind, but as of yet it is unclear on whether or not she knew that her prop was a living animal. It is possible that the animal may have been tampered with, without her knowledge.”

As always I think we can count on the NFL to make a swift and righteous decision in this matter. All in all, it was quite the show, and I think we can all agree that the Black Eyed Peas should crawl deeper into their shame hole.

--Mac Turbine, Animal Rights Activist, Equine and Feline Interpreter

Decision Reached for The Patriots

January 22, 2015  NFL IVORY TOWER, MORDOR

Roger Goodell, High Priest of the NFL

More shocking news out of the NFL today as in the tidal wave of recent scandals Roger Goodel has elected to actually take a stance on an issue. Rather than filibustering until the Super Bowl is long over, the NFL commissioner has come to a ruling regarding the unspeakable acts of The Patriots in last Sunday’s game. While some fans would like to see The Patriots stripped of their Super Bowl spot, I find the NFL’s solution to be subtle, and elegant. If The Patriots wish to keep their spot they will undergo a mandated  name change.

“What’s in a name?” you ask? Well the NFL hasn’t given them much of a choice in the matter. The Patriots will have to change their name to The Red Coats, and will all be forced to apply for dual citizenship with Canada (England was far too glamorous)! They will practice in the hellish wasteland of Manitoba (presumably against the ill-tempered moose population), and will only be allowed to enter the United States on game days. They will play all of their games on the road, as the NFL does not want to punish the entire league.

New Location of Red Coat Corner (Stadium/Moose Barn)

When asked to comment Tom Brady said the following: “I guess we’ll just have to do it eh? We’re real soory America, see you at the Super Bowl.” With a team this demoralized it seems that the championship game will be little more than a training exercise for the legion of boom. We here at

The Pattison Chronicle will be tuning in either way, because SCREW THE PATRIOTS GO HAWKS, KERBLAH!

What do you think of the NFL’s decision? Chime in at the comments section below, or send me passive-aggressive twitter messages to @MacAshton351.

--Ashton Macaulay, Reporter, Sworn Enemy of Canada, Lover of America

Seahawks Investigated for Performance Enhancers

January 19, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

"National F***-All League"

Amidst the turmoil that has accompanied the Patriots being investigated for deflated balls (they let Lance Armstrong race!), it appears that the NFL will have another scandal to add to the ever-growing pile. Fans cheered and heaped thunderous applause after a last-minute comeback by the Seattle Seahawks in yesterday’s championship game, but new evidence suggests that skittles might not have been the ultimate driving force behind this victory. Mac Turbine reports.

MAC TURBINE, DICKS BURGERS, WA

It appears that the Seahawks will be joining the list of professional teams accused of cheating today. NFL commissioner (and dark lord of The Sith) Roger Goodell claims that there is speculation that the team may have been using ‘outside help’. While many believed Marshawn Lynch’s golden shoes to be merely a publicity stunt, the commissioner and the NFLs game review committee thought differently.

“There is a good chance that Marshawn’s shoes were coated in a substance only previously thought to be possible in the realm of science fiction.” While the committee refused to elaborate, I think we all know what the substance they’re referring to is. Last seen aiding an ailing college basketball team in 1997, the performance enhancing drug, ‘flubber’, was thought to be long gone. Unfortunately for the sporting industry it appears that this volatile substance may be making a resurgence in the greater Seattle area.

The shoes are currently being held for questioning.

I was able to conduct a brief interview with the football star earlier today. “Marshawn, did you coat your shoes with the performance enhancing drug ‘flubber’ before yesterday’s game?”

“Yeah.” The simple one-word response says it all.

PATTISON CHRONICLE NEWS ROOM, NORTH POLE

Authorities are urging everyone to report any suspicious activity in the Seattle area that might indicate the production of flubber. Residents are asked to keep an eye out for oddly charming professors, flying cars, and the creation of a new Seattle basketball team. I think I speak for all of us here at the chronicle when I say: “YEAH, GO HAWKS, GO HAWKS! SUPERBOWL! FOOBALL! FLUBBER BE DAMNED! YEAHHHHH!”

--Ashton Macaulay, Sports Correspondent, and 1990 Comedy Addict

Peyton Rhymes With Satan

January 8, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

Today is a dark day, as for the first time in decades The Catholic Church has made a sweeping ban on something completely unrelated to religion, but ultimately for our benefit (God, 2015). In a bold and what most consider justified move, The Catholic Church (capitalized for holy emphasis) has banned the pagan practice of supporting The Broncos’ Super Bowl bid.

"Come with me, to eternal fire, and touchdown passes..."

“Peyton is just too darned close to Satan, and that’s just against God.” Said one religious spokesperson, who as like the majority of our sources (cowards) has chosen to remain nameless. We can tell you that he is a high ranking member of the church and as such likely possesses super powers of a divine nature.

We attempted to reach out to Peyton ‘Satan’ Manning for comment (it is catchy), but sadly he was still in hiding, fearing that he might have the chance to repeat 2014’s Super Bowl embarrassment. In the meantime I suppose there is only one correct course of action. Let us all step off the path of the deceiver, and enter into the glorious Hawk. For only in worshipping of a false avian idol will we find solace!

Praise be to the mighty hawks, and eternal hell fire on panthers!

Actual Photo (Biblical elements may have been exaggerated)

-- Reporter in the Field, Captain Sparkles

References:

God ft. Dogma (2015). Here’s a new list of things you should hate because I hate them, and that’s just how we do things here. Stone Tablet Today, 7890(1), 1-10. Retrieved from: Centuries old beliefs that hold no relevance to our society.

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