Sunday, May 31, 2015

Thousands Flee Portland as Popularity Rises


2015 will likely mark one of Portland’s most populated years. The vacancy rate for properties in Portland has dropped below 3%, and that’s true and fucking insane. Portland’s population boom has been largely attributed to hipster culture, locally grown kale, and coffee so stiff that it holds up the city’s many decaying bridges. Unfortunately, it appears as though the golden age of this mecca of free expression and nude art may be coming to an end. 

The chaos and unrest caused by listening to Congratulations on loop for ten days...
Photo Cred. Jascha, Designated Pattison Chronicle Hipster Wildlife  Photographer

With increasing amounts of migration to Portland as a safe haven for shit that other cities just won’t put up with, its popularity has risen to record highs. However, this spike in popularity has caused a massive migration of Portland’s signature hipster population. When asked where they were going they responded: “Some little town you’ve probably never heard of.” The hoard of mustachioed men and women riding recumbent unicycles was last seen heading north on what they would only call “The road less traveled.”

Keep your local authorities informed; report any hipster sightings immediately, lest they open up an ironically themed futuristic antiques store near you… If you need help, refer to our handy guide!

Monday, May 25, 2015

Good Mountain Bad Mountain: A Geologist's Guide

May 25, 2015, USGS LAB

Do you ever look out your window at that snow-covered mountain, that a high school science teacher once told you was a dormant volcano, and wonder? Well, if recent geological surveys are to be believed, that mountain is almost certainly going to erupt within the next 0 to 1,000,000 years! I know, it’s shocking for all of us, but volcano awareness is the first step to avoiding death by backyard incineration.

Believe it or not there was a geologist out on that mountain today and he confirmed that it was indeed a volcano, which puts you and your family at extreme risk for sudden lava death. Our researchers (they watched Volcano three times apiece, so you know they’re reliable), have put together a helpful guide for you and your family to raise volcano awareness. 

Remember, when in doubt, panic and donate all of your money to The Pattison Chronicle. Works 60% of the time, every time. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Lover of Volcanic Gods, Hawaii Avoidance Expert, Geologist?

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Government to Allow Vegas to Collect Organs

May 19, 2015 LAS VEGAS, NV

Las Vegas, the city of corrupt executives, legal prostitution, and graveyard for music careers. Oh wait, and gambling, yes lots of gambling. Some casinos on the North Strip make over 72 million dollars a year in table-gaming revenue (that’s your fun fact for the day, brought to you by Wheaties and Wikipedia). However, the powers at be (old white men who enjoy living in towers made of endangered elephant tusk [ivory]) are unsatisfied with this gaming revenue, saying “at least a third of the debts owed to the casinos go unpaid.” Under usual circumstances, this business is left to shady men in nice suits with large guns, but the gaming commission has just proposed a new set of laws to recoup their losses.

Thanks for Imagine Dragons, take the rest back....

Beginning in 2016 The Strip wants to begin accepting human organs to mitigate outstanding debts owed to the casinos. A casino owner had the following to say: “Illegal organ trafficking generates between 600 million and 1.2 billion dollars a year worldwide.” The large range is due to some years where bear attacks are more frequent, leaving less usable organs for the traffickers. “By making the industry legal we hope to recoup our losses, and sustain the quickly dying casino industry.” By quickly dying, he meant rapidly expanding. The gaming commission plans to use the profits to book David Copperfield to perform in every major hotel simultaneously (through The Prestige style cloning or some other expensive bullshit).

What do you think about the new direction Las Vegas is taking? Sound off in the comments, or remain resolutely silent with passive aggressive Facebook likes. That’s fine too… still helps the ego.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Is Mad Max Turning Our Men Gay?


Mad Max portrays a bleak future where women have more power than men...
Many of you may have noticed the rave reviews that Mad Max: Fury Road has been receiving from critics and fans alike. Watching cars explode each other in stunning HD might seem like a satisfactory way to spend your Friday night, but Mad Max is not what it seems. Deep beneath the dry, desert surface is a feminist agenda specifically targeted at turning the heterosexual male population into a bunch of pansies who would rather lift a women’s rights pamphlet than a dumbbell (Return of the Kings et al., 2015).

Thankfully, the organization Return of the Kings has helped pull off the tastefully opaque Hollywood curtain that’s hiding the sinister truth behind this movie (that’s actually true). Rather than an action movie, Mad Max is more of a two-hour feminist rant told from the perspective of a backseat driver, who won’t let Max do his job. The women in this movie talk all too much and promote dangerous social ideals such as women in positions of power, and equality between the genders (that’s almost a direct quote from Return of Kings). In fact the one man who seems to get it in this movie is portrayed as the villain. While he is busy kidnapping women for the greater social good of creating babies that aren’t inbred hicks, the main character (Charlize Theron) is sabotaging this plan in favor of selfish feminist ideals.

If you believe in men being men and women being women, the way God intended, then boycott Fury Road this weekend. However, if you’re a reasonable individual that doesn’t feel threatened by the idea of gender equality, I can’t think of a better way to spend 15 dollars. Seriously, this is the best action movie of the decade. It’s so good that I can’t even make fun of it sarcastically. Stop reading this and go now!

Also please spend your weekend trolling Return of Kings:

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Correlation Found to Imply Causation


For anyone who has taken an introductory statistics class, the phrase: “correlation does not imply causation,” has likely been hammered into your brain. This logic has been considered ironclad for millennia (probably older than statistics, but what the hell; numbers), but a researcher for an online pay-to-play university might be about to change all that. If Dr. Hedupass’s (pronounced Hey-Dew-Pass) recent research is to be believed, correlation may indeed imply causation.

Wait Nancy, do you see that? It's a bunch of bullshit!
“We conducted a correlational study assessing previous correlational studies and their relational to causal outcomes. The data yielded marginally significant p-values (p = .15) suggesting that our model was indeed positively related to causation. That is to say that as the correlational nature of a study increases, so does the relation to causality.” For those who wish to view Dr. Hedupass’s project, he has not posted the data anywhere, but has assured us that the sample size is massive, the data were certainly cherry picked (to assure he got the best ones), and that he has conducted a median split as due diligence for his analysis.

I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Up yours my former stats teacher who failed me in high school for implying that my correlation between dinosaur attacks and genetic modification was not a ‘cause’ for alarm.”

--Ashton Macaulay, Amateur Statistician, and Raptor Alarmist

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Pearson Education Games


Mandatory scary picture of test bubbles. 

Today The Pattison Chronicle turns its ever-watchful eye to education. It seems that thousands of children and parents have taken it upon themselves to mutiny against the United States Standardized Testing System. Now, like many others, I am angry at the un-American nature of these protests, but also enamored by their rebellious nature. In response, Pearson education has adopted a new form of incentive for those who wish to abstain from their almighty testing procedures.

To combat the rise of those who are refusing to taking their tests, Pearson will be instituting what they refer to as an educational ‘battle royal’. In each school district, one child who failed or did not take the test will be chosen to compete for their right to object in a death-arena mad-max-esque style of justice and adjudication. “This takes the element of fear out of the test, and puts it elsewhere. We’ve had many complaints that children feel pressured to do well on the test. Now it’s more of a pressure to survive.”
Our editor got lazy and filled the rest of the article with pugs, because HOLY SHIT PUGS. 

Education scientists have also theorized that this blood sport might help eliminate some of the racial bias inherent in standard testing procedures. “So long as it’s weapon of choice, in a random location, there should be no racial disparity in combat ability.”

Some have criticized the idea as heavy-handed, but the motion is expected to pass with bipartisan support, as it is “an interesting way to deal with our failing education system.”

I am left with but one question: “If John does not wish to take the standardized test, and he is picked to participate in the Pearson Education Games, with a chance of 1 in 13,000 in survival; are the odds in his favor?

 A) Yes

B) Maybe
C) No
D) I’m not taking this test, sign me up

E) Where is the line for conscientious objector permits?”

Monday, May 4, 2015

Homeless Camp Out for Star Wars


It’s May 4th everyone, and you know what that means; this article is going to be about Star Wars. It appears a line for Star Wars: The Force Awakens has already formed outside a local Seattle theatre, but rather than plucky young nerds in full Jedi regalia inhabiting this shanty town of tents and lawn chairs, it’s the homeless.  

Artists rendering of the shantytown

Regal’s Northgate Cinema in Seattle has become a full-blown shantytown in the wake of a startling revelation by the homeless community. “Turns out if you buy a $15 ticket, you can just camp out on the side of the building until December.” That’s right; the homeless have turned Star Wars enthusiasm into a source of cheap rent. The regal manager says that he attempted to remove the homeless town after discovering their plan, but found the homeless had constructed a deflector shield powered by body odor and broken bottles. 

$18 for a movie ticket doesn't seem so bad anymore...

A spokesperson for the newly formed township said that they while they are a peaceful people, they are only days away from a fully operational battle-station with the power to drive away local business owners, and theoretically enact political policy change. This system has been contracted to former AT-AT designers for The Galactic Empire, and is described as "More powerful than you can possibly imagine."

You heard it here first. If you’re homeless, pre-order a ticket and you can camp outside regal for a year and it’s mostly socially acceptable! From all of us at The Pattison Chronicle, May the 4th be with you, always (except for you George, you know what you did).

--Ashton Macaulay-Kenobi, Sith Political Campaign Manager, Jawa Rights Advocate, and Nerf-Herder

Friday, May 1, 2015

Interview With a Tow Orca


For the final day of the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence, The Pattison Chronicle took to the streets (well, more like the ocean). Excerpts from the following may be disturbing to some of our readers who are averse to mind blowing, emotional, social commentary. You have been warned.

Our reporter Mac Turbine dawned a wetsuit and conducted the interview in the frigid waters of the Puget Sound, an area most Orca whales will not tread in. “It’s not surprising to see this happening. I mean when you have a community of people who are continually oppressed into menial work, eventually they will be subjugated.” he is referring to the tow orca industry [for reference:] “The ultrasonic wails coming from the ‘tap orca’ houses are not from pleasure, they are calls for help. No one wants to live this life, but what choice do we have?” When talking about the oppression it was unclear whether or not James (the orca wished to remain anonymous) was crying, or if he was moist from the ocean, but either way, we can assume some deep emotional pain.

In a final comment, James said “Fuck the Seattle Transit Authority; we’re not just animals for you to toy with and look down upon! Also, go to SeaWorld, that place is pretty great, and almost certainly doesn’t mistreat its animals. **”

As the Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation and Excellence ends, I want to remind you all that while the plight of the orca may pass from the limelight that does not mean it ceases to exist. We may have raised awareness by shedding light on this incident, but the real work has to be done by the people. Tell your friends, educate lawmakers, and stand up for orca abuse wherever you see it. I leave you with an inspirational quote from Pattison, the orca that inspired this fine paper: “It is not who I am, but what I do that defines me, now excuse me while I chase this tuna.”

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Subtlety, Bender of Minds, and Professional Humorist.

**The Pattison Chronicle is funded almost entirely by the SeaWorld Corporation of America. This most certainly does not (it does) influence what we choose to print (or which interviews we doctor).