The Academy May be Reforming, but There's Another Issue...

January 22, 2016

There has been a lot of debate and protest surrounding the 2016 Oscars, with calls for the award show to be boycotted due to a flawed selection process. Brilliant films are being snubbed for nominations because of the people who made or starred in them, and frankly, The Pattison Chronicle staff are pretty fired up about it. While The Academy has made some changes to their selection committee and promised to diversify in the years to come (that part is true), they have completely ignored a specific sector of the acting population. After fighting for years, it's time we stop ignoring the animal acting population.

This year we saw amazing performances from Bear in The Revenant and Horses 1-4 in The Hateful Eight, and both were entirely ignored by The Academy’s selection committee. When reached for comment, one member of the academy said “I voted for Bear, but it’s unfortunate, because a lot of people didn’t really see his performance, the spotlight was on Leo.”

I mean you can finally give Leo his Oscar, but a nomination would have been nice!

The Academy’s xenophobic actions cannot be allowed to continue any longer. Watching actors like Spot from the critically acclaimed Air Bud series, pass his entire 7 year life without a scrap of recognition is nothing short of horrifying.

Spot was a method actor, who actually joined the Lakers for six months to train for this role...

It’s 2016, and we need to stand up and acknowledge actors of all backgrounds, regardless of the amount of fur they have (they let Jared Leto in!) Help us raise awareness with the hashtag #OscarsSoSapien, and if you can bring yourself to turn away from Hollywood stars masturbating each other’s egos for a night on February 28^th, 2016, I’m sure that would help too…

--Ashton Macaulay, Editor in Chief, Academy Selection Member (I voted for all the animals so that means I’m not xenophobic right?), and Air Bud Enthusiast

Is Mad Max Turning Our Men Gay?

May 15, 2015 FURY ROAD [GAY AGENDA HEADQUARTERS]

Mad Max portrays a bleak future where women have more power than men...

Many of you may have noticed the rave reviews that Mad Max: Fury Road has been receiving from critics and fans alike. Watching cars explode each other in stunning HD might seem like a satisfactory way to spend your Friday night, but Mad Max is not what it seems. Deep beneath the dry, desert surface is a feminist agenda specifically targeted at turning the heterosexual male population into a bunch of pansies who would rather lift a women’s rights pamphlet than a dumbbell (Return of the Kings et al., 2015).

Thankfully, the organization Return of the Kings has helped pull off the tastefully opaque Hollywood curtain that’s hiding the sinister truth behind this movie (that’s actually true). Rather than an action movie, Mad Max is more of a two-hour feminist rant told from the perspective of a backseat driver, who won’t let Max do his job. The women in this movie talk all too much and promote dangerous social ideals such as women in positions of power, and equality between the genders (that’s almost a direct quote from Return of Kings). In fact the one man who seems to get it in this movie is portrayed as the villain. While he is busy kidnapping women for the greater social good of creating babies that aren’t inbred hicks, the main character (Charlize Theron) is sabotaging this plan in favor of selfish feminist ideals.

If you believe in men being men and women being women, the way God intended, then boycott Fury Road this weekend. However, if you’re a reasonable individual that doesn’t feel threatened by the idea of gender equality, I can’t think of a better way to spend 15 dollars. Seriously, this is the best action movie of the decade. It’s so good that I can’t even make fun of it sarcastically. Stop reading this and go now!

Also please spend your weekend trolling Return of Kings: http://www.returnofkings.com/

THEY ARE HUMAN GARBAGE