Is your child on drugs or an alien?

Have you been noticing something different about your teen as of late? Are they exhibiting mood swings, irrational behavior, and/or changing in appearance? Some so called ‘experts’ might try and tell you that this is a normal part of development, but the reality is far more dramatic. Here at The Pattison Chronicle we employ a talented team of parenting scientists (they don’t pay me, and I have no training), and they tell us that all of these symptoms point to one of two issues: Hard Drugs or Alien Abduction/Probing. We’ve created an easy to follow guide to help tell what’s wrong with your teen, because there’s not a chance in hell that it’s normal development.

I hope that this guide has helped you identify the problems that your teen is facing. Rather than providing advice or helpful tips on how to deal with these issues, we’ll leave you with this message: PANIC! Clearly, your child is messed up, and no one else is having the same problems.

For more helpful tips, political guides, and general nonsense, subscribe to The Pattison Chronicle. Follow us on

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ThePattisonChronicle

Twitter: https://twitter.com/thepattison

Is Mad Max Turning Our Men Gay?

May 15, 2015 FURY ROAD [GAY AGENDA HEADQUARTERS]

Mad Max portrays a bleak future where women have more power than men...

Many of you may have noticed the rave reviews that Mad Max: Fury Road has been receiving from critics and fans alike. Watching cars explode each other in stunning HD might seem like a satisfactory way to spend your Friday night, but Mad Max is not what it seems. Deep beneath the dry, desert surface is a feminist agenda specifically targeted at turning the heterosexual male population into a bunch of pansies who would rather lift a women’s rights pamphlet than a dumbbell (Return of the Kings et al., 2015).

Thankfully, the organization Return of the Kings has helped pull off the tastefully opaque Hollywood curtain that’s hiding the sinister truth behind this movie (that’s actually true). Rather than an action movie, Mad Max is more of a two-hour feminist rant told from the perspective of a backseat driver, who won’t let Max do his job. The women in this movie talk all too much and promote dangerous social ideals such as women in positions of power, and equality between the genders (that’s almost a direct quote from Return of Kings). In fact the one man who seems to get it in this movie is portrayed as the villain. While he is busy kidnapping women for the greater social good of creating babies that aren’t inbred hicks, the main character (Charlize Theron) is sabotaging this plan in favor of selfish feminist ideals.

If you believe in men being men and women being women, the way God intended, then boycott Fury Road this weekend. However, if you’re a reasonable individual that doesn’t feel threatened by the idea of gender equality, I can’t think of a better way to spend 15 dollars. Seriously, this is the best action movie of the decade. It’s so good that I can’t even make fun of it sarcastically. Stop reading this and go now!

Also please spend your weekend trolling Return of Kings: http://www.returnofkings.com/

THEY ARE HUMAN GARBAGE