Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Orca Prostitution in Downtown Seatte

Welcome to the second article for The Pattison Chronicle’s Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation Excellence (or WHORE for short, we fired that intern, but the logo was made). In this segment we will focus on an interview that was conducted in the field with a frequent “tap orca” user. The content of this interview is graphic and may be unsuitable for some of our younger readers (we have readers right?).

For those who just can't wait... PERVERTS!


In downtown Seattle, there are over a hundred “tap orca” stations in circulation, and the city is doing nothing about it. The police turn a blind eye to this sordid industry, and most of the public is blissfully unaware of its presence. An intern at the chronicle managed to land an interview with a frequent “tap orca” user, through superior ambush journalism techniques. The citizen declined to have her photo shown, but did consent to be interviewed. As such, we will refer to her as Jane Gottleib of 1045 45th street, Seattle, WA (Please someone go find this woman!).

“I find that they provide better companionship than humans. Despite their stature, they really are gentle lovers.” The gentle nature she is referring to is of course achieved through repeated injections of mind-numbing drugs by the Seattle Transit Authority. When confronted with the this fact Jane had the following to say: “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If they can tow ferries I don’t see why they can’t work in this industry.”

"I just swipe my card and head over to the waterfront. It's painess..."

It is these kinds of attributions that have kept the orcas in servitude for decades. Help us end orca oppression today, by following The Pattison Chronicle*, and writing to your local transit authority to stop the use of Orca cards. Together we can end this injustice and start a new day for orcas everywhere.

This is a breach for help! 

--Ashton Macaulay, Whale Trainer, Senior Seaworld Trainer, Ferry Captain

*The Pattison Chronicle is a subsidiary of Seaworld International

Monday, April 27, 2015


April 27, 2015, SEATTLE, WA [HOTBED OF SIN]

Many of you will recall the exposé The Pattison Chronicle ran a few months back detailing the atrocities perpetrated by the Vancouver BC ferry companies against orca whales. If you need a refresher, or just want to support the cause, you can re-read the article here: While many of us thought that the orca slavery industry had fallen on hard times (probably as a direct result of our staff harassing ferry captains), a recent excursion into Seattle has proved otherwise.

Will the exploitation ever end?
It was a typical Saturday night, walking home, the Mariners had lost, and everything seemed normal, until I came across this sign:

Notice how the orca's dorsal fin is erect to indicate arousal. Sick bastards.

At first glance, it might appear to be only a transportation system whimsically themed after one of nature’s most powerful and awe-inspiring creatures, but in truth, it is something far more sinister. The sign reads “Tap Orca Here”. The Seattle Transit Authority will argue that tapping an “Orca Card” will merely result in payment for transportation. Unfortunately, this is not the case. The sign is a simple invitation to those who wish to find companionship in the form of an orca. “Tap Orcas” or simply Prostitorcas as they are commonly known, are majestic beasts that can be rented out for pennies using an “Orca Card” and used for nefarious sexual purposes.

Artwork indicating an orca brothel is nearby. Photo Credit: Citizen Journalist in Training, Shaun del Rosario

We reached out to the Seattle Transit Authority for a statement, but all we received was a form letter stating that our claims were both “frivolous” and “childish”. If our accusations are so childish, why hide? The evidence is piling up surrounding this shadow organization, and the ice is close to breaking. In the next month, The Pattison Chronicle will be releasing several articles detailing the injustices occurring in the name of public transportation in the heart of Seattle. So stay tuned, tell your friends, and for the love of God subscribe. Our egos cannot be maintained on hubris alone. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Protector of Porpoises, Vigilante Journalist

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Man Can’t Marry Dog Under New Gay Marriage Laws


Alabama recently became one of the many states to embrace (not really, but let us throw them a bone (that pun gets funnier in a minute)) gay marriage as a legal institution. Most of the state is still rioting about the injustice of it all, but one man is upset for a different reason. Clement Harold feels like he was blatantly misled by anti-gay marriage campaigns put forth by the Alabama sect of The Disciples of Christ (that’s a real organization).

Precious was asked to comment and had the following to say: *woof, woof, WOOF, empty stare, vacantly licking lips, shitting on the grass* It’s very clear that the Pomeranian has no intention of leaving her beloved just to follow archaic laws put forth by a dystopian shadow government. The Pattison Chronicle will be holding a protest this following never, at it’s never happening o’clock in the evening. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Dog Linguist, Burier of Treasure, Sniffer of Garbage

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Man Sues Nike for Murder


I'll give a prize to whichever reader can correctly identify this building. 
Today Nike is in the midst of a lawsuit after a felon charged with 1st degree murder has claimed the company’s footwear is responsible for his crime. In court this morning the defendant had the following to say: “I was just going to go for a run, but then the tag on my shoe said ‘just do it’, and so I did. I just did it, and someone needs to pay!” The defendant is accused of murdering a man in cold blood after he took the last meatball sub at a company picnic where the only other options were ham and turkey (we might have murdered for that too).

Nike released the following statement: “As of today we will be changing our slogan to: Just do it.*” The asterisk will refer to a long list of illegal deeds that should not ‘just be done’. The defendant is expected to be acquitted of all charges, as that’s just the kind of country we live in. We’ll have more on this as it develops.  

--Ashton Macaulay, Avian Criminal Investigator

, Attorney for Bird Law, & Vigilante?

Thursday, April 16, 2015

New Street Drug 'Hammer' Sweeps Elementary Schools

April 16, 2015 THE MEAN STREETS

Between coke, smack, and fleek, you’d think today’s youth would be up to their eyeballs in unmanageable highs, but if sources are to be believed there is a new drug on the rise. On the mean streets of New York a new fad has surfaced that is both dangerous and illusive. The drug is called Hammer, and so far police have not been able to locate its source. What they can be sure of is that it kills at a rate of nearly 80% of its users. The Pattison Chronicle sent Mac Turbine deep undercover. He was able to reveal the secrets of this new drug.


Hammer is easy to make. The ingredients can be found in almost every tool shed in the United States, and it doesn’t take Walter White to cook up a batch. What the kids do is take a traditional construction hammer and then bludgeon each other in the head with it until they begin to feel ‘light-headed’ and ‘fuzzy’. More often than not this feeling is accompanied by severe cerebral trauma and often hemorrhaging.

Some reports have said that the drug is even beginning to invade elementary schools. “I just don’t understand where the kids are getting it. There’s just no way to tell whether or not they’re high until it’s too late,” said a local elementary school principle. His school suffered two deaths from Hammer over the past three months, with thousands more expected within weeks. The drug is addicting and fast acting, making it one of the hardest substances to kick since the release of the soft drink Surge.

We leave you with a few tips to tell if your kid is on Hammer:

  1. Your child may be at risk if they have recently watched programs like Bob the Builder and Home Improvement. These shows champion the use of hardware in ways that could promote Hammer use.
  2. If your child is bleeding from multiple hammer wounds to the head, then it is likely a Hammer overdose. There’s nothing to be done but prepare the candlelight vigil and spread awareness now.
  3. If your child is asking you to ‘build a treehouse’, they probably want more readily accessible sources of Hammer. Ground them immediately.
  4.  Finally, stay away from any of the Thor movies. This ‘superhero’ glorifies Hammer use, by getting entire populations of monsters high with it. You’re disgusting Disney. 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Hilary Clinton to Join Mortal Kombat X Roster

April 12, 2015 THE NEATHER REALM

This weekend has been full of excitement; Game of Thrones is coming back, Daredevil premiered, and on a less important note, Hilary Clinton announced that she is going to be running for president (sarcasm, HILARY 2016). With the newly announced presidential candidate being thrust back into the limelight, wild rumors have already begun to circulate. While most of them have no truth (Hilary Clinton is most definitely not a lizard person, check our guide to be sure:, but one rumor in particular has been validated.

In a recent leak it has been revealed that Hilary Clinton will be the next to join an ever growing roster of characters for Tuesday’s release of Mortal Kombat X. While no one at Nether Realm Studios has confirmed the leak, screenshots have already been obtained showing the future president’s 3 fighting styles (screenshots not included because we’re tired, and Photoshop is hard): 1. Secretary of Smackdown, this fighting style is characterized by hard political ultimatums and death by a thousand paperwork cuts. 2. Brutality Bearskin Bill, this style sees Hilary combining forms with former president Bill Clinton and a Bear skin rug for animalistic attacks, and a no doubt skimpy costume. 3. Finally we have the Putin Payback, a style characterized by unquenchable rage, fueled mainly by the asinine acts of Vladimir Putin over the last year. It is speculated that this will be the most damage heavy style.

What do you, the readers think? I for one will be picking up a kopy of the game on release date for research (at least that’s what I tell my advisor). Got any cool artistic interpretations for the leaked skins? Send them to our submissions intern at, and we’ll put them up on the blog!

--Ashton Macaulay, Servant of Kotal Kan, Player of Erran Black, Future Nether Realm Studios Employee? (please?)

Monday, April 6, 2015

Greece to Reinstate Gladiator Fighting

April 6th, 2015 ZEUS’S LAIR

It’s no secret that Greece is currently harboring somewhere in the realm of 300 billion dollars in debt (starting with the truth). With a myriad of international debt collectors and knee cappers knocking on their door, the country has been forced into action. Greece has finally found a plan to chip away at the mountain of debt they have created for themselves (Mt. Olympus Credit Union?)

I hear Wild Waves bought that at auction

Sometime around the 1st century the Roman Empire implemented a sport that would both provide entertainment to the depressed masses, and generate wealth for the empire (that’s also true, man we’re on fire today). This sport was of course known as Gladiator Combat. The president of Greece (picture not provided as they were too poor to send us a photocopy, and we’re not going to accept another collect call from Greece, because let’s face it, they’re never paying us back), has begun the process of legally reinstating Gladiator Combat as an official sport.

Many are opposed to this reinstatement, calling the idea “barbaric” and “childish”, but Grecian officials have sent out a blanket statement for naysayers: “You got any better ideas?” The resolution is set to pass through the Greek legal system with ease, as most of the legislative bodies have recently been accepting payment in the form of IOUs and are anxious to regain financial stability.

Countries such as Australia (nature’s boss level) and North Korea (because they are the best at every sport; North Korean Census, 2015) have already developed scholarships for student athletes to compete in Greece’s games. It is unclear yet whether or not other countries will follow this trend, but one thing’s for sure: football just got a whole lot lamer.

No word yet on whether or not Russel Crowe will compete. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Grecian Emissary, Fighter of Old-Persons, Watcher of Game of Thrones