Seattle Turns to Piracy

June 16, 2015 SEATTLE WA

Stock image of Seattle to attract viewers...

A disturbing trend has taken hold in Seattle’s marine areas, as thousands of unemployed college graduates have forsaken the city’s high-rent hovels for the high seas. In the wake of the Amazon bubble (That’s right Bezos, it’s a goddamned bubble, just you wait), piracy has once again become a legitimate profession. With rent for a 10 square foot apartment being somewhere in the $1590/Month range, commandeering sailboats and plundering the Puget Sound has become an increasingly attractive option. We’ve included a five-step guide to figure out if your loved one might be making the jump to piracy.

1. Beard Activity

2. Presence of Weaponry

3. Sudden Boat Ownership

4. Why is the rum gone?

5. Monkeys

If your loved one fits any of these profiles, it’s time to consider giving the anti-piracy talk. We will soon be releasing a parenting guide to raising your child piracy free. It will be available for digital download, so that we can make some fucking money and return that boat we didn’t steal, and feed the monkey, and polish the swords, and buy more rum, and beard lube. Get off my back mom!

Greece to Reinstate Gladiator Fighting

April 6^th, 2015 ZEUS’S LAIR

It’s no secret that Greece is currently harboring somewhere in the realm of 300 billion dollars in debt (starting with the truth). With a myriad of international debt collectors and knee cappers knocking on their door, the country has been forced into action. Greece has finally found a plan to chip away at the mountain of debt they have created for themselves (Mt. Olympus Credit Union?)

I hear Wild Waves bought that at auction

Sometime around the 1^st century the Roman Empire implemented a sport that would both provide entertainment to the depressed masses, and generate wealth for the empire (that’s also true, man we’re on fire today). This sport was of course known as Gladiator Combat. The president of Greece (picture not provided as they were too poor to send us a photocopy, and we’re not going to accept another collect call from Greece, because let’s face it, they’re never paying us back), has begun the process of legally reinstating Gladiator Combat as an official sport.

Many are opposed to this reinstatement, calling the idea “barbaric” and “childish”, but Grecian officials have sent out a blanket statement for naysayers: “You got any better ideas?” The resolution is set to pass through the Greek legal system with ease, as most of the legislative bodies have recently been accepting payment in the form of IOUs and are anxious to regain financial stability.

Countries such as Australia (nature’s boss level) and North Korea (because they are the best at every sport; North Korean Census, 2015) have already developed scholarships for student athletes to compete in Greece’s games. It is unclear yet whether or not other countries will follow this trend, but one thing’s for sure: football just got a whole lot lamer.

No word yet on whether or not Russel Crowe will compete. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Grecian Emissary, Fighter of Old-Persons, Watcher of Game of Thrones