Thursday, December 4, 2014

David Copperfield: Portrait of a Rabbit Molester

December 4th, 2014, LAS VEGAS, NV

A magician in the act... Disgusting
Tensions are high today in Las Vegas as a well-known magician is on trial in front of a grand jury for misuse of leporidae (Commonly known as ‘rabbits’ or ‘bunnies’, not to be confused with scantily clad women at the Hefner mansion) in his acts. The magician is well known mind-bender/antichrist David Copperfield.  The rabbits with the help of PETA (People for the Enigmatic Trickery Animals) have filed a lawsuit against the magician in hopes of receiving some sort of recompense for their years spent being molested by hats and magic wands. The rabbits are seeking 50,000 carrots (organic of course) as well as 5,000 bales of hay so that they may live out the rest of their life in scratchy comfort.

When asked for comment Mr. Copperfield said: “You’re not a real news agency, stop following me.” As well as: “How did you get into my house? I’m calling the police.” The magician, easily agitated was clearly stressed by the lawsuit and would not provide us with any information. However we were able to attain an interview with amateur street performer and part-time homeless person Reggie Steel.


“So how has the whole scandal affected your crowds?”

“You know it’s hard to get food these days. The government and Obama are really putting a squeeze on the old noodle, and the fucking rabbit priest David Copperfield makes me want to—“ The rest is mostly unintelligible screaming.

“So you’re saying that you saw Mr. Copperfield molesting the rabbits?”

“Absolutely, now I need about five bucks for a sandwich or I’m going to pull your teeth out.”



A rabbit, trying to cope. 
I think it goes without saying that Mr. Copperfield will have quite a bit to answer for in the coming weeks. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the many rabbits that were hurt by Mr. Copperfield’s indecency. More on this story as it develops. 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Are orca whales being oppressed by Canadians? Our sources say yes.

December 2, 2014 BELLINGHAM, WA

A lone orca towing a 10 ton BC ferry
There’s a silent revolution gaining strength in the north, and it’s not Quebec trying to secede again. Today’s story comes from an underrepresented, underprivileged, and overworked population; the tow orca. Some might say that we did away with the deplorable ferry towing industry years ago with the Free Willy Rights Act of 1993, but many British Columbian ferries are still resting on the backs of the beautiful porpoisine population.

Field reporter Mac Turbine went undercover as a ferry captain to expose this ring.


When I first stepped aboard the ferry to Victoria, BC I was surprised to find images of orcas everywhere. While most respectable water transport services have since done away with such offensive iconography, it appeared as though this backwater ferry company was still clinging to its cultural roots. What’s worse, the second the ferry left the dock I could tell that we were in real trouble. The engines roared to life, but the turbines spit no water from behind the boat. In a moment that I can only describe as horrifying, the true predicament came clear. This BC ferry company was still employing the cost-cutting strategy of orca towing.

Immediately I ran to the front of the boat and was confronted with the shocking truth. Just off the bow of the boat I caught a glimpse of a majestic orca whale, struggling for air. When confronted Captain Jean merely laughed. “We have been using tow orcas for generations. It is a green solution to the current fuel crisis, and one that we will continue to use.”  Not only were they not denying it, they were proud of their business practices.
An undercover tow-orca training ring at the now closed Marine Land BC
While many would argue for the green aspect of using tow orcas rather than traditional fossil fuels (Macaulay, 2003), but the reality is that a population is being enslaved, and for a few hundred years that’s not what our country’s been about. I would urge all of our readers to write in to the WDSDOT ferry center and urge a boycott of all water transportation to and from Canada until this atrocity has been remedied.

We here at the Pattison Chronicle will continue to follow this scandal as it develops.

--Real News for Real Persons