Thursday, December 4, 2014

David Copperfield: Portrait of a Rabbit Molester

December 4th, 2014, LAS VEGAS, NV

A magician in the act... Disgusting
Tensions are high today in Las Vegas as a well-known magician is on trial in front of a grand jury for misuse of leporidae (Commonly known as ‘rabbits’ or ‘bunnies’, not to be confused with scantily clad women at the Hefner mansion) in his acts. The magician is well known mind-bender/antichrist David Copperfield.  The rabbits with the help of PETA (People for the Enigmatic Trickery Animals) have filed a lawsuit against the magician in hopes of receiving some sort of recompense for their years spent being molested by hats and magic wands. The rabbits are seeking 50,000 carrots (organic of course) as well as 5,000 bales of hay so that they may live out the rest of their life in scratchy comfort.

When asked for comment Mr. Copperfield said: “You’re not a real news agency, stop following me.” As well as: “How did you get into my house? I’m calling the police.” The magician, easily agitated was clearly stressed by the lawsuit and would not provide us with any information. However we were able to attain an interview with amateur street performer and part-time homeless person Reggie Steel.


“So how has the whole scandal affected your crowds?”

“You know it’s hard to get food these days. The government and Obama are really putting a squeeze on the old noodle, and the fucking rabbit priest David Copperfield makes me want to—“ The rest is mostly unintelligible screaming.

“So you’re saying that you saw Mr. Copperfield molesting the rabbits?”

“Absolutely, now I need about five bucks for a sandwich or I’m going to pull your teeth out.”



A rabbit, trying to cope. 
I think it goes without saying that Mr. Copperfield will have quite a bit to answer for in the coming weeks. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the many rabbits that were hurt by Mr. Copperfield’s indecency. More on this story as it develops. 

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