Netflix, Streaming Service, or Corporate Swamp Beast?

January 6^th, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

            

Red for the blood of the innocents (which they drink)

Today is a dark day for the internet video industry as the streaming service Netflix is facing a lawsuit following the release of seasons 1-10 of Friends online. For those who are unfamiliar, Netflix is an online streaming service that offers thousands of options for procrastination and social alienation for a modest $7.99 a month. The victim claims that he was no longer able to complete basic daily tasks such as: Eating, drinking, or feeding his cats after the release of Friends to the online streaming service.

           

“It’s just, there’s so much to watch now, and I can’t stop. I really want to, but Netflix just won’t let me.” The man has asked to remain nameless due to threats toward his feline counterparts from the shadowy corporate killing machine Netflix. The man is seeking $40,000 in reparations, which as he states is “enough for me to finish the entire series without having to work or care for my children.”

            

There has been no response as of yet from the morally reprehensible lie factory Netflix, but we here at the Pattison Chronicle can assure you that a statement will be made public as soon as it is available (we have interns attempting corporate espionage right now). More about this story as it develops.

--Burt Jinzley