Government to Allow Vegas to Collect Organs

May 19, 2015 LAS VEGAS, NV

Las Vegas, the city of corrupt executives, legal prostitution, and graveyard for music careers. Oh wait, and gambling, yes lots of gambling. Some casinos on the North Strip make over 72 million dollars a year in table-gaming revenue (that’s your fun fact for the day, brought to you by Wheaties and Wikipedia). However, the powers at be (old white men who enjoy living in towers made of endangered elephant tusk [ivory]) are unsatisfied with this gaming revenue, saying “at least a third of the debts owed to the casinos go unpaid.” Under usual circumstances, this business is left to shady men in nice suits with large guns, but the gaming commission has just proposed a new set of laws to recoup their losses.

Thanks for Imagine Dragons, take the rest back....

Beginning in 2016 The Strip wants to begin accepting human organs to mitigate outstanding debts owed to the casinos. A casino owner had the following to say: “Illegal organ trafficking generates between 600 million and 1.2 billion dollars a year worldwide.” The large range is due to some years where bear attacks are more frequent, leaving less usable organs for the traffickers. “By making the industry legal we hope to recoup our losses, and sustain the quickly dying casino industry.” By quickly dying, he meant rapidly expanding. The gaming commission plans to use the profits to book David Copperfield to perform in every major hotel simultaneously (through The Prestige style cloning or some other expensive bullshit).

What do you think about the new direction Las Vegas is taking? Sound off in the comments, or remain resolutely silent with passive aggressive Facebook likes. That’s fine too… still helps the ego.

Orca Prostitution in Downtown Seatte

Welcome to the second article for The Pattison Chronicle’s Week for Helping Orca Rehabilitation Excellence (or WHORE for short, we fired that intern, but the logo was made). In this segment we will focus on an interview that was conducted in the field with a frequent “tap orca” user. The content of this interview is graphic and may be unsuitable for some of our younger readers (we have readers right?).

For those who just can't wait... PERVERTS!

DOWNTOWN SEATTLE, WA

In downtown Seattle, there are over a hundred “tap orca” stations in circulation, and the city is doing nothing about it. The police turn a blind eye to this sordid industry, and most of the public is blissfully unaware of its presence. An intern at the chronicle managed to land an interview with a frequent “tap orca” user, through superior ambush journalism techniques. The citizen declined to have her photo shown, but did consent to be interviewed. As such, we will refer to her as Jane Gottleib of 1045 45^th street, Seattle, WA (Please someone go find this woman!).

“I find that they provide better companionship than humans. Despite their stature, they really are gentle lovers.” The gentle nature she is referring to is of course achieved through repeated injections of mind-numbing drugs by the Seattle Transit Authority. When confronted with the this fact Jane had the following to say: “I don’t see anything wrong with it. If they can tow ferries I don’t see why they can’t work in this industry.”

"I just swipe my card and head over to the waterfront. It's painess..."

It is these kinds of attributions that have kept the orcas in servitude for decades. Help us end orca oppression today, by following The Pattison Chronicle*, and writing to your local transit authority to stop the use of Orca cards. Together we can end this injustice and start a new day for orcas everywhere.

This is a breach for help! 

--Ashton Macaulay, Whale Trainer, Senior Seaworld Trainer, Ferry Captain

*The Pattison Chronicle is a subsidiary of Seaworld International

Decision Reached for The Patriots

January 22, 2015  NFL IVORY TOWER, MORDOR

Roger Goodell, High Priest of the NFL

More shocking news out of the NFL today as in the tidal wave of recent scandals Roger Goodel has elected to actually take a stance on an issue. Rather than filibustering until the Super Bowl is long over, the NFL commissioner has come to a ruling regarding the unspeakable acts of The Patriots in last Sunday’s game. While some fans would like to see The Patriots stripped of their Super Bowl spot, I find the NFL’s solution to be subtle, and elegant. If The Patriots wish to keep their spot they will undergo a mandated  name change.

“What’s in a name?” you ask? Well the NFL hasn’t given them much of a choice in the matter. The Patriots will have to change their name to The Red Coats, and will all be forced to apply for dual citizenship with Canada (England was far too glamorous)! They will practice in the hellish wasteland of Manitoba (presumably against the ill-tempered moose population), and will only be allowed to enter the United States on game days. They will play all of their games on the road, as the NFL does not want to punish the entire league.

New Location of Red Coat Corner (Stadium/Moose Barn)

When asked to comment Tom Brady said the following: “I guess we’ll just have to do it eh? We’re real soory America, see you at the Super Bowl.” With a team this demoralized it seems that the championship game will be little more than a training exercise for the legion of boom. We here at

The Pattison Chronicle will be tuning in either way, because SCREW THE PATRIOTS GO HAWKS, KERBLAH!

What do you think of the NFL’s decision? Chime in at the comments section below, or send me passive-aggressive twitter messages to @MacAshton351.

--Ashton Macaulay, Reporter, Sworn Enemy of Canada, Lover of America

Netflix, Streaming Service, or Corporate Swamp Beast?

January 6^th, 2015, SEATTLE, WA

            

Red for the blood of the innocents (which they drink)

Today is a dark day for the internet video industry as the streaming service Netflix is facing a lawsuit following the release of seasons 1-10 of Friends online. For those who are unfamiliar, Netflix is an online streaming service that offers thousands of options for procrastination and social alienation for a modest $7.99 a month. The victim claims that he was no longer able to complete basic daily tasks such as: Eating, drinking, or feeding his cats after the release of Friends to the online streaming service.

           

“It’s just, there’s so much to watch now, and I can’t stop. I really want to, but Netflix just won’t let me.” The man has asked to remain nameless due to threats toward his feline counterparts from the shadowy corporate killing machine Netflix. The man is seeking $40,000 in reparations, which as he states is “enough for me to finish the entire series without having to work or care for my children.”

            

There has been no response as of yet from the morally reprehensible lie factory Netflix, but we here at the Pattison Chronicle can assure you that a statement will be made public as soon as it is available (we have interns attempting corporate espionage right now). More about this story as it develops.

--Burt Jinzley