Thursday, January 22, 2015

Decision Reached for The Patriots

January 22, 2015  NFL IVORY TOWER, MORDOR

Roger Goodell, High Priest of the NFL
More shocking news out of the NFL today as in the tidal wave of recent scandals Roger Goodel has elected to actually take a stance on an issue. Rather than filibustering until the Super Bowl is long over, the NFL commissioner has come to a ruling regarding the unspeakable acts of The Patriots in last Sunday’s game. While some fans would like to see The Patriots stripped of their Super Bowl spot, I find the NFL’s solution to be subtle, and elegant. If The Patriots wish to keep their spot they will undergo a mandated  name change.

“What’s in a name?” you ask? Well the NFL hasn’t given them much of a choice in the matter. The Patriots will have to change their name to The Red Coats, and will all be forced to apply for dual citizenship with Canada (England was far too glamorous)! They will practice in the hellish wasteland of Manitoba (presumably against the ill-tempered moose population), and will only be allowed to enter the United States on game days. They will play all of their games on the road, as the NFL does not want to punish the entire league.
New Location of Red Coat Corner (Stadium/Moose Barn)

When asked to comment Tom Brady said the following: “I guess we’ll just have to do it eh? We’re real soory America, see you at the Super Bowl.” With a team this demoralized it seems that the championship game will be little more than a training exercise for the legion of boom. We here at

The Pattison Chronicle will be tuning in either way, because SCREW THE PATRIOTS GO HAWKS, KERBLAH!

What do you think of the NFL’s decision? Chime in at the comments section below, or send me passive-aggressive twitter messages to @MacAshton351.

--Ashton Macaulay, Reporter, Sworn Enemy of Canada, Lover of America

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