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| Home of the Chicken Fried Chicken in Chicken |
It may have been a slow start to the week in news, but KFC
promises to make it even slower (by sending us all into a fried chicken induced
stupor). For those unfamiliar, KFC is the fast-food chain best known for promoting
obesity through replacing conventional sandwich buns with fried chicken. They
have been the target of many lawsuits over the years, but have recently been
trying to turn their image around through the promotion of more “healthy”
products. With the introduction of the new Double Down hotdog (currently in
testing, see this link: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/the-world-is-a-vampire#.ah8ZG6g05)
which is both high in protein and protein, KFC appears to be making good on
that promise.
That was until this morning. In addition to the new double
down hotdog monstrosity, KFC will also be piloting a “Liquid-Chicken Delivery
System” or to the layman a “Chicken-based soft drink”. Colonel Sanders was
unable to comment (as he’s a fantasy character and likely long dead from
cardiac arrest), but I think it is safe to assume that this new drink will
still offer the secret herbs and spices (possibly crack cocaine?) that we’ve
all come to love so much. We were able to reach a KFC marketing spokesperson
who has requested to remain unnamed as “The Pattison Chronicle is not a real
news source.”
When asked about the soft-drink he had the following to say “It’s
a good way to reach a market that would otherwise be unable to eat our chicken.
Traditional drumsticks are just too crunchy for some our elderly and infantile customers,
and here at KFC we’re not in the business of discrimination!” That is unless of
course you look at their hiring practices. “We want everyone to be able to
enjoy our chicken and the new ChiCola line will bring that home cooking to the
masses.”
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| I'm sure somewhere a PETA representative is offended... |
-- Stephen Shilling, Poultry Enthusiast, Deep Frier
Operator, & Underpaid Fast Food Employee
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