Man Sues Nike for Murder

April 18, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST

I'll give a prize to whichever reader can correctly identify this building. 

Today Nike is in the midst of a lawsuit after a felon charged with 1^st degree murder has claimed the company’s footwear is responsible for his crime. In court this morning the defendant had the following to say: “I was just going to go for a run, but then the tag on my shoe said ‘just do it’, and so I did. I just did it, and someone needs to pay!” The defendant is accused of murdering a man in cold blood after he took the last meatball sub at a company picnic where the only other options were ham and turkey (we might have murdered for that too).

Nike released the following statement: “As of today we will be changing our slogan to: Just do it.*” The asterisk will refer to a long list of illegal deeds that should not ‘just be done’. The defendant is expected to be acquitted of all charges, as that’s just the kind of country we live in. We’ll have more on this as it develops.  

--Ashton Macaulay, Avian Criminal Investigator

, Attorney for Bird Law, & Vigilante?

Man Sues Ireland for Kidney Failure

MARCH 18TH, SOMEWHERE IN IRELAND

For many the festivities of Saint Patrick ’s Day are still hanging on like a wretched hammer ghost pinballing inside of their aching cavity that once contained a brain, but not all are so pleased. Last night a man who has chosen to remain nameless (likely because he’s not real, but just go with it), suffered nearly fatal kidney failure as a result of binge drinking. Now rather than blaming the incident on self-pity or alcoholism, the man has taken the American way and began the process of suing a foreign country.

That rock better have a damned good lawyer.

“I just think that Ireland should pay for the damages it has caused. It’s irresponsible championing a holiday that condones drinking in such a fashion.” Mr. Smith (for anonymity) went on to say that under normal circumstances his drinking would not have been so severe, and promptly cracked a beer on the side of his hospital bed to “cure the damage the Irish people did to my brain”. Despite his doctor’s warnings about excessive consumption on the other 364 days of the year, Mr. Smith claims that the blame should lie entirely upon the people of Ireland.

When asked for comment the country of Ireland remained surprisingly silent on the matter, giving nothing but rain and wind in form of a response. As has been our usual we are taking their silence as an admission of guilt. To get to the bottom of this The Pattison Chronicle is issuing an ultimatum. If a representative of the Irish national government does not give us an interview within thirty days we will have no choice but to pour out a bottle of Guinness. Don’t make us do this Ireland. It doesn't have to end this way…

--Ashton Macaulay, Pourer of Guinness, Keeper of Threats, Payer of Debts

KFC to Test New Chicken Flavored Soft Drink

January 26th, 2015 KENTUCKY

Home of the Chicken Fried Chicken in Chicken

It may have been a slow start to the week in news, but KFC promises to make it even slower (by sending us all into a fried chicken induced stupor). For those unfamiliar, KFC is the fast-food chain best known for promoting obesity through replacing conventional sandwich buns with fried chicken. They have been the target of many lawsuits over the years, but have recently been trying to turn their image around through the promotion of more “healthy” products. With the introduction of the new Double Down hotdog (currently in testing, see this link: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/the-world-is-a-vampire#.ah8ZG6g05) which is both high in protein and protein, KFC appears to be making good on that promise.

That was until this morning. In addition to the new double down hotdog monstrosity, KFC will also be piloting a “Liquid-Chicken Delivery System” or to the layman a “Chicken-based soft drink”. Colonel Sanders was unable to comment (as he’s a fantasy character and likely long dead from cardiac arrest), but I think it is safe to assume that this new drink will still offer the secret herbs and spices (possibly crack cocaine?) that we’ve all come to love so much. We were able to reach a KFC marketing spokesperson who has requested to remain unnamed as “The Pattison Chronicle is not a real news source.”

When asked about the soft-drink he had the following to say “It’s a good way to reach a market that would otherwise be unable to eat our chicken. Traditional drumsticks are just too crunchy for some our elderly and infantile customers, and here at KFC we’re not in the business of discrimination!” That is unless of course you look at their hiring practices. “We want everyone to be able to enjoy our chicken and the new ChiCola line will bring that home cooking to the masses.”

I'm sure somewhere a PETA representative is offended...

The Chicola drink is currently being piloted in Saskatchewan (A land of igloos and lax FDA regulations) and is set to release to the public sometime this summer.  So you might as well burn those calories now, because in a few months we’re all going to be drinking chicken through a straw…

-- Stephen Shilling, Poultry Enthusiast, Deep Frier Operator, & Underpaid Fast Food Employee