Man Sues Obama Over Heatwave

June 28th, 2015 SURFACE OF THE SUN?

If you live anywhere in this godforsaken hellhole of a country, then you’ve probably been experiencing the death blasts emanating from the sun in the recent weeks. These ‘heat waves’ have killed, injured, and boosted the commission of AC salespeople tenfold. However, it’s not all good news (wait, was any of that?)

I know this looks like a heat map, but actually we have no idea what it is. Could be beaver attack frequency.

Bill Sharpton of Seattle Washington has recently filed suit against President Obama for causing the heatwave. “This is God’s vengeance. If God had wanted us to have free healthcare he would have given priests superpowers.” This suit comes on the heels of the Supreme Court upholding Obamacare, a healthcare system that our interns didn’t have the time to understand or Google.

Bill’s case hinges on the fact that the heatwave led to his unemployment. He cites the fact that his motivation to put on clothes and go to work was simply lost after the temperatures rose above ninety degrees. If you’d like to take part in making this a class action lawsuit, follow the link below.

Super Scientific Formulas, and a cat, because look at her

--Ashton Macaulay, Legal Correspondent, Hater of the Heat, Sun Abolitionist. 

Man Sues Nike for Murder

April 18, 2015 SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST

I'll give a prize to whichever reader can correctly identify this building. 

Today Nike is in the midst of a lawsuit after a felon charged with 1^st degree murder has claimed the company’s footwear is responsible for his crime. In court this morning the defendant had the following to say: “I was just going to go for a run, but then the tag on my shoe said ‘just do it’, and so I did. I just did it, and someone needs to pay!” The defendant is accused of murdering a man in cold blood after he took the last meatball sub at a company picnic where the only other options were ham and turkey (we might have murdered for that too).

Nike released the following statement: “As of today we will be changing our slogan to: Just do it.*” The asterisk will refer to a long list of illegal deeds that should not ‘just be done’. The defendant is expected to be acquitted of all charges, as that’s just the kind of country we live in. We’ll have more on this as it develops.  

--Ashton Macaulay, Avian Criminal Investigator

, Attorney for Bird Law, & Vigilante?