Guide to Creating Info Graphics

Pattison Chronicle Headquarters SEATTLE, WA. With the political season quickly approaching, we are all about to be bombarded by infographics. Candidates will want to express their plans for the U.S. in a colorful format that really says nothing, but makes readers feel like they might have learned something. In celebration of this hellish political race that we’re already pissed about, here’s a guide to how you can create your own info graphics!

Step 1. Pick a number. It can be any number really, but all good info graphics start with an arbitrary number. Be sure to bold all numbers and words you like in your graphic.

Step 2. Pick two colors, one for text, and one for graphics. These colors should be primary colors, but in a dimmer tone to make the graphic look professional.

Step 3. Relate the initial number to another arbitrary concept that shares some common characteristic and add silhouetted graphics for emphasis.

Step 4. Repeat Step 3 two to five more times.

Step 5. End with a call to action, or a fact that ties it all together.

Well done! You’ve just created an info graphic! Share it with us, share it with your friends, and send it to your mother to show her how smart you are. We will re-post the best info graphics on our many pages, so submit you sheeple!

Parents Horrified as Highly Qualified Liberal Arts Major Can’t Get a Job

July 6^th, 2015 YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT

A suburban mother was terrified this morning as the news of her son’s unemployment came in the form of a text message asking for “a place to crash, just until I get my feet under me.” Chad Williams, 23 years old, had just graduated from Evergreen College with a major in History through Interpretive Dance, when he found himself on the unemployment line.

“I just don’t understand it. He had passing grades throughout college, and now he can’t even find a job teaching inner-city youths about The Civil War through dance. I think it’s the economy.” With business and high tech on the rise in the Seattle area, it’s no surprise that students who majored in anything involving interpretive dance, psychology, and other studies (mainly anything that isn’t computer science, business, or math) have found a stark job market.

Ah, university, a place for postponing the slap in the face that is our current job market. 

In these trying times of unemployment, The Pattison Chronicle has dedicated time to make a flowchart to help youths in deciding on where to apply in the current job market.

Please share with your loved ones, so that we may stop unemployment, one non-science major at a time.

--Ashton Macaulay, Master’s in Experimental Psychology, Please Hire Me, I have a CV

Man Sues Obama Over Heatwave

June 28th, 2015 SURFACE OF THE SUN?

If you live anywhere in this godforsaken hellhole of a country, then you’ve probably been experiencing the death blasts emanating from the sun in the recent weeks. These ‘heat waves’ have killed, injured, and boosted the commission of AC salespeople tenfold. However, it’s not all good news (wait, was any of that?)

I know this looks like a heat map, but actually we have no idea what it is. Could be beaver attack frequency.

Bill Sharpton of Seattle Washington has recently filed suit against President Obama for causing the heatwave. “This is God’s vengeance. If God had wanted us to have free healthcare he would have given priests superpowers.” This suit comes on the heels of the Supreme Court upholding Obamacare, a healthcare system that our interns didn’t have the time to understand or Google.

Bill’s case hinges on the fact that the heatwave led to his unemployment. He cites the fact that his motivation to put on clothes and go to work was simply lost after the temperatures rose above ninety degrees. If you’d like to take part in making this a class action lawsuit, follow the link below.

Super Scientific Formulas, and a cat, because look at her

--Ashton Macaulay, Legal Correspondent, Hater of the Heat, Sun Abolitionist. 

Climate Change or Giant Lizard?

March 31, 2015 ANTARCTICA

Those poor poor Wampa Ice Beasts...

Today it was reported that Antarctica has experienced a record high temperature of 63 degrees Fahrenheit (that part is true, yikes). Many climate change scientists have begun to use this as the banner to unite the world in creating a force for change. Millions have already flocked to the cause with their hybrids, gluten-free lifestyles, and general pretentious demeanors, but not all are so convinced. For those who are unsatisfied by the thin veil of evidence (the rest of the veil melted) that climate scientists are providing, skeptics have a new theory that might blow the lid off of the whole global warming debate.

“Antarctica may be melting, but how much of that is due to human interaction? Recent seismic surveys have revealed great activity beneath the iceberg that may be causing this shift. Simply put: Is it the ozone thinning? Or is it Godzilla?” It was this quote that ended climate change skeptic Timothy Ball’s address at the University of Winnipeg this morning. According to his theory, seismic activity beneath the ice continent has awakened a large, water-dwelling killer lizard that had been dormant for millennia.

Don't let LA be 1940s Tokyo

“Focusing our efforts on changing the environment would be a tragic misstep. If we don’t start putting money into coastal military defense outposts we could all find ourselves burnt to cinders.” The lizard, professor Ball says, is over ten stories tall, can likely breathe radioactive fire, and is one-hundred-percent totally plausible, and most certainly not a diversion from the idiocy that he had spewed in recent years. “This is a totally real threat. Look over there!” Ball said, running away while The Pattison’s interview team had their back turned.

What do you think? Is climate change a hoax? Should we all be investing in lizard repellent? The Pattison Chronicle says yes, and the only way to properly repel giant lizards is with The Pattison Chronicle’s proven Giant Lizard Repellent Formula. Head over to our store and buy some today!

*Patent Pending*

--Ashton Macaulay, Poor Fake News Author, Snake Oil Salesman, Giant Lizard Denier