Apple’s new HC Robot Fails Turing Test

Apple, think differently, but similar to us.

For many years scientists have been arguing over whether or not true artificial intelligence (AI) can be achieved. The ultimate way to determine whether or not someone has completed this task is through what is called a Turing Test. This test involves a human operator conversing with a machine, and if they cannot tell whether or not the machine is indeed artificial, then it passes. A shocking leak today has revealed that Apple was conducting one of these tests right under the eyes of the American public.  Apple CEO Tim Cook took the stage to address the leak earlier today.

“It’s with a heavy heart that I say we have not achieved the milestone we were hoping for. While we have created a very lifelike, thinking machine, we fell short of our lofty goals. In the end, it just wasn’t human.” Tim Cook then proceeded to sweep aside a black curtain, and revealed presidential candidate Hilary Clinton, or the AppleHC for short.

How did we miss it?

Clinton has been dropping steadily in the polls ever since her opponent Bernie Sanders announced his intention to run. Her campaign has been criticized as cold and even robotic, which now makes all the more sense. “While the Apple HC may have failed the Turing Test, we have found that it makes for a great political advisor, and will still be bringing it to market at the end of the year.”

Other tech companies have been quick to criticize Apple’s big reveal with Amazon’s Jeff Bezos calling it “nothing more than a C-ticket Disneyland attraction.” Apple has also announced that they will be releasing a scaled down Apple HC-C (Hilary Clinton Cheap) model, which will launch with less foreign policy integration, but still contain the basic features.

 What do you think of Apple’s big reveal? Were you also underwhelmed? Let us know in the comments below, Facebook, and Twitter.

Guide to the 2016 Presidential Candidates

June 30th, 2015

With 2016 looming ever closer, it seems that there is a nearly endless supply of presidential candidates to choose from. We at The Pattison Chronicle believe that the key to a healthy country is to remain informed (by us, and no other news sources). It is for this reason that we constructed this helpful chart as a guide for the 2016 presidential candidates. Enjoy and share with friends to spread awareness.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to crop all those heads?

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Infographics, #feeltheBern

Man Sues Obama Over Heatwave

June 28th, 2015 SURFACE OF THE SUN?

If you live anywhere in this godforsaken hellhole of a country, then you’ve probably been experiencing the death blasts emanating from the sun in the recent weeks. These ‘heat waves’ have killed, injured, and boosted the commission of AC salespeople tenfold. However, it’s not all good news (wait, was any of that?)

I know this looks like a heat map, but actually we have no idea what it is. Could be beaver attack frequency.

Bill Sharpton of Seattle Washington has recently filed suit against President Obama for causing the heatwave. “This is God’s vengeance. If God had wanted us to have free healthcare he would have given priests superpowers.” This suit comes on the heels of the Supreme Court upholding Obamacare, a healthcare system that our interns didn’t have the time to understand or Google.

Bill’s case hinges on the fact that the heatwave led to his unemployment. He cites the fact that his motivation to put on clothes and go to work was simply lost after the temperatures rose above ninety degrees. If you’d like to take part in making this a class action lawsuit, follow the link below.

Super Scientific Formulas, and a cat, because look at her

--Ashton Macaulay, Legal Correspondent, Hater of the Heat, Sun Abolitionist. 

School Sued Over Religious Biology Program

June 4, 2015

SEATTLE, WA, LIBERAL SAFEHAVEN

Non-threatening High-school photo to lure in unsuspecting viewers...

A school in Seattle Washington is in hot water today after a teacher has been accused of incorporating religious ideals into a biology class. The discovery came after first grader Jaden Miller (fake name, because he’s a child, you animals), came home with a ‘science project’ assigned to him by the school. The teacher asked Jaden to care for and study a praying mantis for a week, and write up a report to share with the class. Understandably his mother was outraged, and immediately found a way to sue the school system which just has too much money to begin with (all those bribes from the church keeping the cats fat).

Pope Mantis III, 2020, 5 years after mantis uprising

“I was just shocked that they would do this. Keep it in church, you insectoid bastards!” It is worth noting that ‘insectoid’ is not the proper term for referring to a praying mantis, or any insect for that matter, but Mrs. Miller dropped biology in high school claiming secular exemption.

Jesus of Mantisereth, 2050, 20 years after The Great Mantis Nuclear War

The school responded quickly by creating a rigorous training program for faculty and all insects on campus to ensure separation of church from the learning environment. All mantises now have their hands bound in a ‘high five’ gesture which has no religious affiliation and is less austere when compared to their traditional pose of prayer.

A mantis blends in, 5 years before mantis uprising.

More on this as it develops.

--Ashton Macaulay, Mantis in Human Clothing, No I’m not, Sure You Aren’t Flesh-Bag