New Republican Candidate Sweeps the Field

It would appear that another republican candidate has entered the ever growing field for the 2016 presidential race. On Friday morning a male silverback gorilla named Bobo announced his campaign to a crowd of zookeepers in Michigan. While his candidacy may come as a surprise to some, the zookeepers had been expecting the political move for months, saying: “He’s always been a self-starter with a keen eye for economic growth. If it weren’t for him, we would have never developed our banana re-distribution program.” Bobo referred to this as trickle down bananomics, a system in which the alpha male gets all the bananas, and after he has had his share, allows the remains to be distributed to the rest of the troop.

"Washington needs it's alpha." - Bobo the Gorilla

Bobo the gorilla will be running on a platform of fiscal conservatism, focusing on the fact that he is a Washington outsider, who has never held public office. A spokesperson for Bobo’s campaign said that he is attempting to distance himself from the rest of the field by providing a strong option, without the spectacle that has become the norm. “His plan for the economy is simple. A banana in every pocket makes the world go round. The United States will invest heavily in banana plantations, and through the process create renewable jobs, and sustainable agriculture.”

Bobo as a Washington Outsider

Bobo has only been in the race for a short 3 hours, but already he is polling at the top of the GOP field, pulling most of the supporters from Donald Trump. Voters are claiming that he’s the answer to a broken system, and that the only way to truly shift the mind of the elite is to enact change. “It’s almost like he’s a different species of politician,” said a man in a crowd of Bobo supporters at the Michigan zoo today. There is still no word on how Bobo plans to hit the campaign trail, but we will keep you updated as more information is released.

"A different species of politician." - Bobo Supporter

We’ll have more on Bobo’s campaign as we get closer to the 2016 election. Until then, make sure you support his candidacy on social media with #Bobo2016 #BananasForBobo.

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Obama Moves Legislative Branch to Nearby Park

August 10^th, 2015 WASHINGTON D.C.

The world’s focus over the past few days has been on the beautiful train wreck that is the Republican Party (hey, we all have to take cheap shots sometimes). With all of the spectacle, it’s almost hard to imagine that there is anything else worthy of note going on in the realm of politics (voting rights, pentagon hacks, Syrian Death Star; two out of the three are true), but a new corruption scandal is brewing in the White House. President Obama is nearing the end of his term and has decided to throw caution to the wind and make some extreme changes to the political system.

The biggest of these shifts is a restructuring of the legislative system. Rather than wiping away the filibustering and long nights of arguments with paid dinners, The President has opted for a more elegant solution. Both The Senate and Congress will be relocated from The Capitol Building to a large sandbox in a neighboring park. When asked for comment President Obama said, “If they’re going to act like children, they’re going to get treated like children.” The change went into effect this morning, and already Senator Mitch McConnell is complaining that the other political figures are picking on him, and that his lunch has been buried in sand.

There’s no way to tell if this radical solution will work, but it certainly can’t hinder the broken system. The President has assured the public that both Senators and Congressmen alike will receive juice boxes for each bipartisan bill they manage to get passed to his desk. “They already tried to pass a bill to remove them from the sandbox, but that’s what vetoes are for,” Obama said, chuckling at his press conference this afternoon.

What do you think of the radical change? Is it enough to stop the stagnation in our system? Connect with us on social media and share your thoughts!

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FOX Skirts the Issues in First Debate

CLEVELAND, OH

The first republican debate was held on FOX News last night (Jesus, that hurts), and for the most part it was what people expected. Ten republican candidates went head-to-head in an arena-style death match, and the American public got mildly excited, but mostly confused. In all the spectacle it was hard to notice some of the major issues that the moderators passed over in this crucial debate. The Pattison Chronicle has made a list of questions that we think should have been discussed last night. If you like our suggestions,, make sure to Tweet them during the next debate so that we can keep the American public informed about who they’re voting for.

What is your favorite color?

Historically, this has been a hallmark of the debate in which candidates flounder and eventually answer a three-way tie between red, white, and blue. While there are still more debates to come (our political analysts say about a million), it appears that this trying question will go unanswered. As a result, The Pattison Chronicle has no choice but to wildly speculate about republican front-runner Donald Trump.

Where do you stand on the extradition of feline-hating dental workers?

I think we all know that this is a very important question, and one of the most pressing issues in the nation to date. In the wake of all the malpractice suits in feline dentistry, it is crucial to address this issue in the public forum. We must say “No more!” to amateur feline dentists, and instead increase state funding for professional veterinary dental schooling.

 Some off-the-wall question from a Millennial who thought they were tweeting to a reality TV show.

It was a shocking disappointment to find that the debate moderators actually screened their Twitter questions this year. I for one would have liked to know the answer to “Who’s going to win this season?” and “Which of the candidates is the hottest?” Without the answers to these hard-hitting questions, I’m not even sure I’m going to be able to participate in voting (it’s hard guys). For our money, the hottest candidate has to be Jeb Bush (see artist rendering below).

What did you think of last night’s debate? Were there any questions you would have liked to see that we missed? Let us know in the comments on Facebook and Twitter. 

--Ashton Macaulay, Piss-Poor Photoshop Artist, Future Pirate (When Rent Comes Up)

Guide to the 2016 Presidential Candidates

June 30th, 2015

With 2016 looming ever closer, it seems that there is a nearly endless supply of presidential candidates to choose from. We at The Pattison Chronicle believe that the key to a healthy country is to remain informed (by us, and no other news sources). It is for this reason that we constructed this helpful chart as a guide for the 2016 presidential candidates. Enjoy and share with friends to spread awareness.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to crop all those heads?

--Ashton Macaulay, Master of Infographics, #feeltheBern

Hilary Clinton's E-mail Was the Tip of the Iceberg...

MARCH 5, 2015 WHITE HOUSE, FL

It would appear that the democratic party is not to be outdone by the oppositional circus that is the GOP. In a candidacy that had previously been unmarred by scandal (because it’s not even official yet), Hilary Clinton appears to have hit a snag. We’re not referring to the fact that she used her personal e-mail for government business (we’re all fine with that), the real issue is what she was using her e-mail for…

In the realm of Clash of Clans there is one who is only spoken of as the destroyer, the raper, the pillager, and the defiler. Until now their identity was previously unknown, but most just referred to them as “a total dick”. Today with the uncovering of Hilary Clinton’s personal e-mail, the identity of this barbaric warlord has been revealed.

“It’s not even fun when she plays. She just takes and takes, with no remorse. That’s not the kind of politician I want running this country.”  LivesAtHome444 isn’t the only one who has raised issues with Clinton’s clash of clan’s tactics.

Rush Limbaugh said, “It is completely unreasonable. We had an alliance for seven days and on the eight she burnt my entire village to the ground. Leave it to a woman…” Unfortunately Mr. Limbaugh’s comments had to be cut out for brevity (and decency), but a full report can be found on our archives page (we don’t have one, it’s just a black hole guarded by a wampa ice beast, so good fucking luck).

I'd vote for her... My crops need saving.

Clinton has refused to comment on the speculation that she is in fact ScorchedEarth69, but a group of barbarians has martialed outside the capital office where the leak came from. In other completely unrelated news, Vladmir Putin has sent an internet proposal, claiming “Her destruction is the single bastion of beauty left in this world.” While creepy, I wouldn’t rule it out entirely, as an international wedding to seal the peace treaty between the US and Russia might be just medieval enough to work…

We’ll have more on this bullshit as it continues to stay relevant for some reason…

--Ashton Macaulay, Senior Political Correspondent, DontHurtMeHilary99, and Herder of Goats