Friday, September 25, 2015

New Republican Candidate Sweeps the Field

It would appear that another republican candidate has entered the ever growing field for the 2016 presidential race. On Friday morning a male silverback gorilla named Bobo announced his campaign to a crowd of zookeepers in Michigan. While his candidacy may come as a surprise to some, the zookeepers had been expecting the political move for months, saying: “He’s always been a self-starter with a keen eye for economic growth. If it weren’t for him, we would have never developed our banana re-distribution program.” Bobo referred to this as trickle down bananomics, a system in which the alpha male gets all the bananas, and after he has had his share, allows the remains to be distributed to the rest of the troop.

"Washington needs it's alpha." - Bobo the Gorilla
Bobo the gorilla will be running on a platform of fiscal conservatism, focusing on the fact that he is a Washington outsider, who has never held public office. A spokesperson for Bobo’s campaign said that he is attempting to distance himself from the rest of the field by providing a strong option, without the spectacle that has become the norm. “His plan for the economy is simple. A banana in every pocket makes the world go round. The United States will invest heavily in banana plantations, and through the process create renewable jobs, and sustainable agriculture.”

Bobo as a Washington Outsider
Bobo has only been in the race for a short 3 hours, but already he is polling at the top of the GOP field, pulling most of the supporters from Donald Trump. Voters are claiming that he’s the answer to a broken system, and that the only way to truly shift the mind of the elite is to enact change. “It’s almost like he’s a different species of politician,” said a man in a crowd of Bobo supporters at the Michigan zoo today. There is still no word on how Bobo plans to hit the campaign trail, but we will keep you updated as more information is released.

"A different species of politician." - Bobo Supporter
We’ll have more on Bobo’s campaign as we get closer to the 2016 election. Until then, make sure you support his candidacy on social media with #Bobo2016 #BananasForBobo.

The Pattison Chronicle on:

No comments:

Post a Comment