Wednesday, September 2, 2015

NFL Launches Preemptive Campaign

September 2nd, 2015, NFL HEADQUARTERS, DEATH STAR. 
This morning Columbia Pictures released the first trailer for its new movie Concussion starring Will Smith. It centers on all of the horrible nastiness that happens to players brains when they get hit in the head repeatedly for a living (so far all true). This, understandably has led to some poor press for the NFL, prompting a new campaign from Commissioner Roger Goodell. The campaign focuses on the tried and true “Hey! Look over there!” technique, and moves the public crosshairs over FIFA.
Actual photo of Roger Goodell by Pattison Chronicle Intern Jimmy 2.0
“The message is simple: Hey fans, we’re not as bad as FIFA,” said Roger Goodell in a press conference just this morning. Already the NFL has begun to take up ad space across the United States and Europe, to combat any negative press directed at American Football. The organization denies that the campaign is a direct response to the movie trailer, instead saying that it’s more of a precautionary move.
From right to left: New Jersey, Qatar. 
“The NFL is going to have some scandals this year, guaranteed. We need to do whatever we can to keep the political spotlight elsewhere. This isn’t just a campaign for now, it’s a campaign for football’s future,” said financial analyst John Moneybanks (last name legally changed because he has “so much money in the bank, it’s ludicrous”).

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