March 12, 2015 FERGUSON, MO
In a shocking role reversal it would appear that two Ferguson police officers were shot early Thursday morning (that part is true). Already the department has labeled the acts as an “ambush”, and condemns the shooter for their actions. While the shooter has not stepped forward into the spotlight, The Pattison Chronicle has managed to secure an exclusive interview with them. Rather than blindly incriminating this individual, we would ask the public to first allow for due process.
|There are no black hoodies in this scenario, therefore it is self-defense! See Flowchart below...|
The suspect cannot be described for anonymity purposes, but let’s just assume he’s an early 20’s male in a black hoodie. When asked about the “ambush” nature of the shooting he had this to say: “It wasn’t an ambush. I was acting in self-defense as anyone else would.” For those who don’t have time to read every internet story (don’t worry, somehow I do), the police officers were walking down the steps when one was shot in the face and the other in the shoulder (also true), both lived but it was a close call.
“I thought it was weird that they were walking down the center of the steps. This is a historically aggressive population you have to remember, and it was the middle of the night. I was suspicious from the beginning.” The young male goes on to claim that the police officers were armed and made no attempt to stop moving when he called out to them. “I told them to stop advancing. I could see that they had guns on them and just acted. Anyone else would have done the same in my position.”
While the evidence we obtained has not yet been investigated, if the grand jury rulings are any precedent, as long as our young male is white, he should be acquitted within the month. We here at The Pattison Chronicle look forward to this young man’s exoneration and have already made up T-shirts (that may have been a niche market).
--Ashton Macaulay, Police Law Specialist, Bird Law Enthusiast, and Minor in Political Science (not true)