March 2, 2015 LOS ANGELES, CA
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| "Protect and serve... the white majority?" --Full LAPD Seal, cut off for aesthetic purposes |
In a wake of recent shootings the LAPD has repeatedly been under
fire for the brutality displayed by its officers. As a response to the outrage,
the LAPD released information about how their officers are trained this morning
to help assuage public fear. “We believe that transparency is the only true way
to true clemency, and will thus release all of the training materials that we
give to our incoming officers to the public. I think you will find that they
are more than adequately prepared for the field when they are given their
badge.”
The police captain may have been confident in their training
materials, but experts around the country have been examining them with a
critical eye, and have been less than pleased. “Their ‘training materials’ are
a copy of The Shawshank Redemption and old ‘reefer madness’ promotional
materials from the thirties!” Said an expert in police training from the
department of Justice. Many scientists are suggesting that some of the LAPDs
tactics might be a result of such aggressive training materials, but the police
captain has assured us that the two are “completely unrelated”.
“The fact of the matter is that each group of recruits is
going to have a few bad eggs, and we’re not going to be able to catch them all.
Say what you will about Shawshank, but that prison was in tip-top condition.
One escape in hundreds of years? That’s better than our criminal system’s
record. Not to mention the fact that their staff was respected by all the
inmates, which is our main goal for the Los Angeles Police Force.”
We at The Pattison Chronicle train our police with Lethal
Weapon, and so far none of them have showed up for work… More on this story as
it develops.
-- Mac Turbine, Martial Arts Expert, Senior Enforcer Staff
Member, & Billy Club Aficionado
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