Monday, October 19, 2015

Empire Contractors Union Reveals New Death Star Design


First Order troops gather for the christening of Star Killer Base
In a bold move on Sunday afternoon, The First Order (formerly The Galactic Empire), unveiled its plans for the newest in a short line of planet-destroying space stations. Simply titled Star Killer (the budget went to giant death lasers), this hulking behemoth is very similar to previous designs built by The Empire, and it's leaving some with a lack of faith that First Order chief advisers find to be disturbing. Mainly, concerns are coming over a massive trench that runs across the entire mid section of the space station, and is wide enough for a star destroyer to cross through comfortably. Many will remember the downfall of the previous death stars being trench related, and as such, this design is raising more than a few eye brows.

First Order commanders have already spoke out to the indestructible nature of Star Killer Base, saying that the trench is guarded by a nearly impenetrable force field, as well as squadrons of tie fighters, described as highly trained in marksmanship (a skill that they usually struggle with). However, hourly employed storm troopers have expressed deep hesitation with a lack of safety aboard the craft. This stems from the fact that it is built by the same set of contractors as the original two, mostly due to union rights, and that the aesthetic look is nearly identical. "It's just hard to feel safe when it looks so similar to the first two. Our life benefits aren't that great, and I've got a rancor fighting debt with the Hutts that needs to be paid, or my family is at risk," said a infantry storm trooper, who asked to remain nameless.

The contracting company is head up by former Pod Racer Ody Mandrell, who started the business after the lucrative racing scene became defunct following the Clone Wars. In a statement made to the public, he assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about, and that while the aesthetic is similar, the larger trench makes it more difficult to locate weak spots. His contracting company was recently plagued by controversy for the faulty design of the AT-AT unit, once again leading to the deaths of hundreds of imperial pilots. No word yet, on whether or not these units will be recalled from the battlefront.

For more breaking news from the galaxy far far away keep reading The Pattison Chronicle. Make sure to help our news spread by sharing stories you like on Facebook and Twitter.

--Ashton Macaulay, Chief E

ditor, Womp Rat Skeet Enthusiast,  and Empirial Architecture Skepticist

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