Monday, October 12, 2015

Whole Foods Scandal

The granola-based grocery chain Whole Foods is under fire today as one of its most popular items has been misleading customers. The custom-branded Himalayan Llama Milk was recently tested by a group of dissatisfied scientists, and found to contain gluten, animal cruelty, and GMOs. This comes on the wake of another scandal where Whole Foods was accused of cutting gluten free bread with regular whole wheat to create dependency, and save on cost.

“It’s just impossible to trust them anymore. I’ll just have to go local for my Himalayan llama milk from now on,” said a disgruntled customer wearing two pairs of thick rimmed glasses and a fedora knit by the homeless, who claimed to enjoy the product. For those who are unfamiliar, Himalayan llama milk is prized for the altitude at which it is collected, with Sherpas swearing by its mystical healing powers. Whole Foods claims that these llamas are kept on secret farms deep within the mountains, to assure that the animals do not feel any public shame for debasing themselves to fill cereal bowls made of re-claimed oak trees.

The group of rogue scientists calling themselves Activists to Stymie Subterfuge (ASS), have vowed to test the entire Whole Foods catalog, and publish their results online. Farmer’s markets and roadside fruit stands are set to see an economic boom as consumer trust in the Whole Foods brand has already dropped by over 75%. Be sure to join the fight against Whole Foods on social media by using the hashtag #ForLlamasSake. Share your thoughts with us on Facebook and Twitter as well!

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