Whole Foods Scandal

The granola-based grocery chain Whole Foods is under fire today as one of its most popular items has been misleading customers. The custom-branded Himalayan Llama Milk was recently tested by a group of dissatisfied scientists, and found to contain gluten, animal cruelty, and GMOs. This comes on the wake of another scandal where Whole Foods was accused of cutting gluten free bread with regular whole wheat to create dependency, and save on cost.

“It’s just impossible to trust them anymore. I’ll just have to go local for my Himalayan llama milk from now on,” said a disgruntled customer wearing two pairs of thick rimmed glasses and a fedora knit by the homeless, who claimed to enjoy the product. For those who are unfamiliar, Himalayan llama milk is prized for the altitude at which it is collected, with Sherpas swearing by its mystical healing powers. Whole Foods claims that these llamas are kept on secret farms deep within the mountains, to assure that the animals do not feel any public shame for debasing themselves to fill cereal bowls made of re-claimed oak trees.

The group of rogue scientists calling themselves Activists to Stymie Subterfuge (ASS), have vowed to test the entire Whole Foods catalog, and publish their results online. Farmer’s markets and roadside fruit stands are set to see an economic boom as consumer trust in the Whole Foods brand has already dropped by over 75%. Be sure to join the fight against Whole Foods on social media by using the hashtag #ForLlamasSake. Share your thoughts with us on Facebook and Twitter as well!

Thousands Flee Portland as Popularity Rises

MAY 31ST, PORTLAND OR

2015 will likely mark one of Portland’s most populated years. The vacancy rate for properties in Portland has dropped below 3%, and that’s true and fucking insane. Portland’s population boom has been largely attributed to hipster culture, locally grown kale, and coffee so stiff that it holds up the city’s many decaying bridges. Unfortunately, it appears as though the golden age of this mecca of free expression and nude art may be coming to an end. 

The chaos and unrest caused by listening to Congratulations on loop for ten days...
Photo Cred. Jascha, Designated Pattison Chronicle Hipster Wildlife  Photographer

With increasing amounts of migration to Portland as a safe haven for shit that other cities just won’t put up with, its popularity has risen to record highs. However, this spike in popularity has caused a massive migration of Portland’s signature hipster population. When asked where they were going they responded: “Some little town you’ve probably never heard of.” The hoard of mustachioed men and women riding recumbent unicycles was last seen heading north on what they would only call “The road less traveled.”

Keep your local authorities informed; report any hipster sightings immediately, lest they open up an ironically themed futuristic antiques store near you… If you need help, refer to our handy guide!

Apple Unveils the iWatch C

March 9, 2015 APPLE HEADQUARTERS, COFFE SHOP?

"Imagine being able to tell the time, without looking at your phone."

The announcement of Apple’s new smart watch has been mixed reviews. The pricing models range from a couple hundred dollars all the way to $10,000 (that part is actually true). The hefty price tags didn’t do much to deter a veritable army of men with top knots, shoddily made wool hats, and thick rimmed glasses who have already begun lining up around the blocks of metropolitan business centers around the country. However, for those who can’t afford this new item that is clearly  a necessity, Apple has an option for you!

Introducing the Apple iWatch Cheap…

"Sometimes old school is the best school."

“This cheaper model of our already wildly successful iWatch is a more efficient and slimmed down product. It is completely solar powered, making charging a thing of the past.” While the iWatch C doesn’t have some of the features (everything but the ability to tell time) of its more expensive model, Apple CEO Tim Cook promises that customers will be satisfied.

The iWatch C has a hefty list of pre-orders and is likely to sell out before it hits shelves this Wednesday. “I just really like the feel of it; It’s so retro and minimalist.” Said one man wearing a sweatshirt with a hand-knit bear on it, sipping a foamless, non-fat, free range, soy macchiato from a local coffee chain that has since gone into foreclosure.

Lenon wants his glasses back dude.

We here at The Pattison Chroncile would write more about this, but we have to get in f***ing line!

--Ashton Macaulay, titles, titles, F*** it